UnNews:If I hear the words "sexual harassment" one more time...

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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

UPDATE: I wrote this op-ed in a fit of rage and to blow off steam, and my message may have been muddled.

Let's be clear. I don't condone what these men may or (most likely, in the case of most of them) may not have done; it's disgusting and vile. But it seems like everybody and their mother has been accused in the last two months or so, people who prior had been quite respectable. But here's what I'm pissed off about, besides the person being accused: Can you even prove that they acted inappropriately? It's one thing to accuse someone who was a jerk to begin with; it's another to falsely accuse a respected person like Spacey or Lauer of such a misdeed. Don't accuse because it's trendy or to jump on the bandwagon; accuse because it actually happened, and because it is in fact sexual harassment.

The women who brought down Weinstein and Bill Cosby were very brave and should be applauded for their efforts. I, admittedly, don't know enough about the Matt Lauer situation to form any real opinion, other than "I like the person, but revile the act." Make sense? Let's hope so. I'm sick and tired of having to explain myself because you didn't understand the first time.

Below is the original op-ed, uncut and unabridged. Please read with discretion.

It all started with Harvey Weinstein. That was fine; he was a jerk anyway. Plus, he ruined Halloween. That Republican dude Roy Moore is getting shit on, too, on the eve of an election. Great, beautiful. One less Republican to worry about.

Then it trickled down and dragged Kevin Spacey, Al Franken, John Lesseter, and now Matt Lauer and Garrison Keillor into this mess. And to make it even more ridiculous, someone whose job it is to put his hands on other people has been accused. That's not okay. You have crossed the line into parody/pisstake territory.

I am talking about sexual harassment. Accusers (and employers) have gone way too far. Let's be clear. I don't condone what these men may or (most likely, in the case of most of them) may not have done, but it seems like everybody and their mother has been accused in the last two months or so. Can you even prove that they acted inappropriately? Or are you just lying for attention, or because your career is dead? It's one thing to accuse someone who was a jerk to begin with; it's another to falsely accuse a respected person like Spacey or Lauer of such a misdeed. Welcome to 1692 Salem, folks. Welcome to the new McCarthyism.

Every McCarthy needs a Murrow. And if someone from the news division of a satire wiki has to (ironically) be that Murrow, so be it. UnNews has morphed into a semi-serious news entity anyway. In the age of Trump, the funniest joke you can tell is the truth.

Let's break it down:

  • Jerk being accused of sexual harassment = shame on the accused
  • Respectable person being (almost always falsely) accused of sexual harassment = shame on the accuser

A massage is not sexual harassment. A doctor telling you to expose your dick for a checkup is not sexual harassment (except when it is, which is only .0000000000001 percent of the time). A TSA patdown, though annoying as fuck, is not sexual harassment.

And employers, just ass as accusers should stop accusing without proof, so should you stop firing the accused without proof. Anybody can just say, "(celebrity) grabbed my dick or touched my ass or grabbed me by the (you know)." They could also just as easily say they're a dolphin. Doesn't make it true. Prove it.

Stop with the false accusations, which 99.9 percent of them are.

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SAY "SEXUAL HARASSMENT" AGAIN! SAY "SEXUAL HARASSMENT" AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! SAY "SEXUAL HARASSMENT" ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!

Sources[edit | edit source]

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For more fake news on this topic, read: It's been a sexually inappropriate week in Lake Wobegon
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For more fake news on this topic, read: Abraham Lincoln latest celebrity accused in sexual harrassment witch hunt
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For more fake news on this topic, read: Catatonia poster boy loses his job
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For more fake news on this topic, read: Weinstein: I regret getting caught
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