UnNews:I am not making this up! The cheetah is extinct

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 April 2012

At a loss for words.

India, Africa, and wherever else cheetahs lived -- A secret source has told me that the cheetah is officially extinct. Not reproductively extinct, resulting in incest, not genetically extinct, resulting in clones, but dead extinct. In fact, the last one died today.

In a somewhat unrelated thought, it is a strange coincidence that on this day, exactly last year, the stepdaughter of Roberto Carlos also died. Apparently, living things have a habit of dying in the days before his birthday.

As it is, the cheetah is probably the latest relevant animal to become extinct -- even as humans could have done something about it. For years, we have been warned: The cheetah is genetically extinct. And then: The cheetah could become truly extinct. But did anyone listen? No! So now it is extinct and there is no turning back.

More deaths could follow, animal or otherwise. So please, let us try to do something about it, as a species, and prevent other notable animals from meeting the same end within our time.

Interestingly, Roberto Carlos has a few of his own words about extinction, in a song he did in 1981 when he was trying to save the whales:

“Seus netos vão te perguntar em poucos anos,
Pelas baleias que cruzavam oceanos,
Que eles viram em velhos livros
Ou nos filmes dos arquivos
Dos programas vespertinos de televisão.”

~ Which means, "In a few years, your grandchildren will ask you about the whales that crossed oceans, which they saw in old books, or in the films from evening television archives." And if this doesn't make sense, it's because I'm a terrible translator.