UnNews:Hominids "not very helpful" battling Calif. wildfires

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 September 2006

Hominids make little or no effort to fight wildfires.

OJAI, California -- Cooler weather and fewer hominids helped firefighters who were slowly encircling one of the largest, longest-burning wildfires in recent state history on Monday as dying Santa Ana winds were replaced by cooler ocean breezes, and more hominids left the area.

The hot winds from the northeast were down from 40 mph to 10 mph and were colliding with an onshore flow coming up from the south, and many proto-humans were migrating away from the smoky hills.

"We were able to make a lot more progress without those annoying hominids in the way. They're not very helpful," said Larry Comerford of the U.S. Forest Service. "But now we're slowly gaining the upper hand."

The fire in Los Padres National Forest had burned about 134,000 acres, or nearly 210 square miles, since Labor Day, and dislodged approximately 8,000 hominids. It was 41 percent contained.

The fire has crept toward the town of Ojai, an artists' enclave popular with tourists and roving groups of proto-humans, but by Monday a call for voluntary evacuations of 300 homes and a college east of the city was called off. No homes were in immediate danger, although residents of Ojai and other towns within 10 miles of the fire were told to stay alert.

Officials said a DC-10 jet that dumped 48,000 gallons of fire retardant Sunday helped knock back the edge of the fire. Twenty-five smaller aircraft were being used Monday to fight the blaze.

"Nothing much should happen, unless the hominids do something strange, but it looks like most of them are moving out of the area," Mike Gram, 54, said Sunday during a stop at an Ojai grocery store. "They don't like fire all that much."

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency Sunday for Ventura County, northwest of Los Angeles. The move clears the way for assistance from the governor's emergency services office and state funds for rebuilding and recovery.

The fire has cost $36.7 million to fight, with that figure increasing about $1 million a day, much of it going toward the cost of airplane overflights and relocating ape-men.

Sources

• Phineas Pejorative "Those Geico commercials about Hominids is right after all" Bullshit Press, September 25, 2006