UnNews:Holy Shit! Willie Nelson does pot!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 September 2006

Does this honestly look like the face of a pothead? HONESTLY?

LAFEYETTE, Louisiana -- In an extremely surprising twist of events, Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms on Monday morning. Thousands of his fans are both shocked and outraged by the arrest.

"My God," said young Nelson enthusiast Billy Jones. "Willie Nelson? THE Willie Nelson does pot? And mushrooms too? That's just so hard to believe. Are you sure he wasn't framed or something? I mean, sure, he was most famous during the sixties, and was definitely a hippy, and he was always a very peace-loving dude, but I -- I don't know. I guess I just didn't put two and two together."

Mary Moon, a doctorate in rock culture and self-described "hippy" also failed to see the connection. "Wait, Willie Nelson's a pothead? Man, this as about as messed up as when I found out The Grateful Dead did drugs, or when I learned that Wyld Stallyns isn't a real band. Man, why do all of my heroes have to keep falling apart on me? Are there any drug-free rock stars that I can support with a clear conscience?"

Gosh. Why couldn't we take the hint? If we only knew earlier...

It is a question haunting numerous fans, both young and old alike. A commercial search of Nelson's tour bus produced 11/2 pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of narcotic mushrooms, according to state police. While Nelson has not been seen since the incident, he was last quoted at the site of his arrest.

"I can never sing again" said Nelson, his eyes covered in tears. "My fans finally know my horrible secret. I will spend the rest of my years hiding my face in shame."

The officer at the incident said Nelson was issued a citation and then released, and that he got off light.

"It was obvious that he was just starting to dabble with experimental drugs. He seems very guilty and broken up about it, and I highly doubt that he'll try anything crazy like this again, so I decided to cut the guy a break. I mean, I don't quite see him in the same way I used to, be he still has some good songs, you know? Still, it makes you think. Who knows who else out there could be sucking down illegal drugs?"

Sources

• "Of all the people to take pot, I didn't expect him." CNN, Sept 18, 2006