UnNews:Hollywood unveils new awards

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5 December 2006

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), which developed the ratings system to prevent government authorities from censoring the content of motion pictures, has created two new awards, the T & A Award and the Best Lesbian Liplock Award.

According to MPAA president Jack Valenti, the awards are designed to give actresses more exposure. "With a few rare exceptions, actors earn much more than actresses and have far longer careers, despite the fact that, as men, they have no breasts and their buttocks aren't much to look at, either." It is hoped, Valenti says, that the new awards will correct this "intolerable situation." However, the awards have already garnered a great deal of controversy.

More often than not, an actress' part in a film that is rated anything other than "G" (a rating that is "Hollywood's equivalent of the kiss of death to an actress' career," Valenti says) requires partial or complete nudity.

The only difference between the nudity in a "PG"-rated film versus an "R"-rated movie is the amount of flesh exposed and the length of the exposure.

Since actresses are expected to doff their clothes for the camera, the MPAA president contends, it is only right that they receive some sort of industry recognition for their exploitation; hence, the new awards.

The MPAA's new T & A Award

There are four categories for the T & A Award: Best Breasts, Best Buttocks, the Most Frequent Exposures of Breasts or Buttocks, and the Lengthiest Exposure of Breasts or Buttocks. The acronym T & A, Valenti points out, is "an old Hollywood term for vulgar expressions for the breasts and buttocks--'tits' and 'ass,' respectively."

The second new award, Best Lesbian Liplock was "inspired," the MPAA president says, "by MTV's Best Kiss Award," but, whereas the MTV award can be given to either actors or actresses, the MPAA award will be presented exclusively to actresses who kiss other actresses. "A few criteria apply," Valenti points out: "In addition to the parties involved having to be female or shemale, they must also kiss on the lips; a saliva trail or a little drool wouldn't hurt the chances of winning, either."

The awards were unveiled at a formal dinner in Beverly Hills. Most of Hollywood's elite were present, as was the press. The T & A Award was greeted with about equal numbers of cheers and jeers, most of the former coming from the male guests and most of the latter from the female guests in attendance.

The T & A Award was criticized on two points, aesthetic and political. "It's ugly," declared Ashley Judd, who has bared her breasts and buttocks as much as, if not more than, many of her female colleagues. "If I won it, I wouldn't want it, and I wouldn't accept it."

"Duly noted," Valenti replied upon being notified of Judd's remark.

Sarah Michelle Gellar agreed with Judd. "It makes me glad I have a no-nudity clause in my contract," she said. "The so-called award is repulsive."

"It not only objectifies and denigrates women, but it also dismembers them," Pamela Anderson said. "It's both disgusting and disgraceful. I'd rather wear fur!"

However, some of the actresses admired the "smooth shape and the graceful lines" of the sculpture. "It's something I'd be proud to display in my limousine, right beside my Dashboard Jesus," Britney Spears stated.

Lindsay Lohan also liked the look of the award, saying, "It's cute, especially the way it has no arms, legs, or head. It reminds me of me. I hope to win one."

The MPAA's new Lesbian Liplock Award

The Lesbian Liplock Award will be given on a daily, rather than an annual, basis, Valenti declared, "because there are too many actresses kissing other girls on the silver screen to do justice to them all on a once-a-year basis. More actresses are engaging in lesbian kisses than taking off their clothes."

The award is a large square plaque that shows numerous tiles depicting various still photographs of Gellar kissing fellow actress Selma Blair. The photographs are taken from the movie that the lesbian actresses made together, with Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, Crude Intentions.

Judd was not happy with this award, either, asking, "Why does that little bitch, Sarah, have to be on everything? I've kissed girls, too."

The Lesbian Liplock Award will be presented for the first time tomorrow "and daily thereafter," Valenti announced. "The Association [MPAA] has yet to determine when it shall present the T & A Award."

Sources

• Wikipedia "Horror film" Wikipedia, December 1, 2006

• Brett Love "The Five: Girls kissing girls" TV Squad, September 6, 2006