UnNews:Hogwarts marijuana factory busted

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 April 2009

So far, police have only released Crabbe's name to the press. However, in exchange for £20 UnNews was able to obtain this mugshot of the other three students connected with the incident, but the officer who sold it to us asked that we pixellate their faces.

HOGWARTS, United Kingdom -- Police officers swooped on Hogwarts School of Magic yesterday after receiving a tip-off that the buildings were home to a massive marijuana production operation. They later charged Vincent Crabbe, a student at the school, with conspiracy to produce, intent to supply and possession of a controlled substance which has led to his immediate expulsion from the exclusive academy. It is the first time that the school has called in Muggle law enforcement instead of relying on the Order of the Phoenix, which has been forced to make a large number of officers redundant due to the current economic crisis.

Police spokesperson Detective Amanda McSeesgass, who took part in the raid, spoke to UnNews. "Although we carry out many raids on drug production facilities, this one is particularly important," she claimed. "What we discovered was a huge operation, capable of producing tons of the drug. However, it also had what was by far the most sophisticated security we have yet seen in place. Our successful mission to close it down will hopefully serve as a lesson to all those who might be considering growing cannabis that it's just not worth the risk."

It is understood that officers were first required to battle their way through a near-impenetrable forest. "We encountered a number of animals which we believe may be banned under the Dangerous Animals (Magical) Act of 1998," says McSeesgass, "most notably several centaurs and a dragon. However, we called in specialist officers who have received training in dealing with guard dogs during raids and were quickly able to continue." The animals were impounded and removed to a facility where they await destruction once it has been ascertained that they are, in fact, banned breeds. "The public must understand that these are highly dangerous animals," our reporter was informed. "They have had viciousness bred into them, they are not pets and there is no way they could be trained to make them suitable for rehoming." Once they had gained access into the school, which is located within an ancient castle, police were next confronted with a confusing system of moving staircases which, whenever they were halfway up, would suddenly float through the air to prevent officers from reaching the floor known to house the factory. It eventually became necessary to use grappling irons and ropes.

"Once we'd reached the factory, we were confronted with a four metre thick wall," McSeesgass says. "There was no opening whatsoever. However, we had been informed that admittance would be granted should we be able to supply the correct password to one of the paintings fixed to the wall. Officers from our computer-related crimes squad were able to connect a laptop to the painting and run Alohomora password cracking software which eventually allowed us to get in."

Officers wearing special spell-proof clothing padded with Kevlar and various magical herbs stormed the room while coming under heavy fire from several teenage enchanters. "These were no more than kids," says McSeesgass, "But they were equipped with some very heavy weaponry. At least one officer was hit by a Flipendo spell but was saved by his armour. It is also believed that a Diffindo spell was cast in order to damage officer's armour prior to the criminal's planned use of the Avada Kadavra spell which would have resulted in death - however, officers were able to subdue the perpetrators by deploying a Finite Incantatum spell to halt all spells being used, followed by an Expelliarmus in order to relieve their attackers of their wands."

In addition to Crabbe, three students were arrested and remain in police custody charged with assaulting police officers with magical spells, for which they may be sentenced to 15 years each in Azkaban Magical Prison. However, we are informed that they were acting as security and were not involved in producing drugs themselves. Police have not yet released information on the identity of the students.

Minerva McGonagall, headteacher at the school since the death of Albus Dumbledore, spoke to UnNews last night by crystal ball. "Hogwarts has endured various problems during the inevitable shake-up that followed the sad demise of my predecessor," she said. "However, I am certain that this latest controversy will reassure parents of our pupils that any transgressions are acted upon quickly. There is no place for drug use at our school since the ban on flying ointment came into force in the early 1960s and we will take any steps necessary to nip problems such as this one in the bud."

Sources

• Anthony France "Harry Pothead" The Sun, April 08, 2009