UnNews:Grue flu outbreak forces killing cute kitties and puppies

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 November 2006

A grue with grue flu upchucks a kitten, which will now have to be killed.

SEOUL, South Korea - South Korea plans to kill cuddly little kittens and puppies to try to prevent the spread of grue flu after an outbreak of the deadly HIYA2 virus at a chicken nugget farm last week, officials said Monday.

Animal health experts and beastiophiles, however, suggested the Koreans were doing it "just for the fuck of it" when there was no scientific evidence to suggest that cats or dogs could pass the virus to humans. Grue flu is a non-fatal annoyance to grues, as it only temporarily interrupts their usually non-stop killing and devouring activities.

Quarantine officials have already killed 125,000 chickens, wombats and frogs within a 1,650-foot radius of the outbreak site in Iksan, about 155 miles south of Seoul, the Agriculture Ministry said. Officials began slaughtering poultry on Sunday, the Lord's Day, a day after they confirmed that the outbreak was caused by God spreading the HIYA2 strain.

They plan to slaughter pigs, platypi, and all dogs and cats in the area by Thursday, the ministry said. About 6 million dinosaur eggs also will be destroyed, it said, "just to be sure." The ministry did not say how many other animals would be killed, but probably about a zillion.

Slaughtering animals randomly near an area infected with grue flu is standard operating procedure in Asia. The backward, heathen people there usually only kill dogs and cats for food, and are afraid of most other animals. Indonesia has killed pigs and squirrels in the past, but most countries concentrate solely on destroying poultry, carrots, and guitars.

However, it would not be the first time for South Korea to kill cats and dogs due to grue flu concerns. An official at the Agriculture Ministry said South Korea slaughtered ferrets and tigers along with 5.3 million meerkats during the last outbreak of grue flu in 2003.

The official declined to be named, saying the last thing he needed was a bunch of puppy and kitten lovers up his ass.