UnNews:Generals, Admirals living the good life, sponsored by Uncle Sam

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 July 2010

Jesus is to Reagan as an aircraft carrier-golf course is to what?

AT SEA, United States Sovereign Territory -- A classified vessel, the USS Ronald Reagan, has been revealed to be in actuality a golf facility for general officers of the United States military. Top course caddy Ensign Manuel McFadden told UnNews of a typical day aboard the seaward symbol of senility, saying "They come and go at all hours, mostly in helicopters, and you have to be ready at a moments notice. My team is composed of a few select Sailors and Marines, skilled in the arts of golf, sucking up, and doing whatever it takes to keep command-level officers happy."

Average cost of an hour's R&R at the mini-resort?

Transport: $64,307

Personnel man-hours: $17,994

Fuel: $88,000

Food and beverages: $1,487

A separate, informal accounting was made of daily operations costs, which total to $1,227,732.

The Secretary of the Navy refused to comment. Calls to the Pentagon remain unreturned.