UnNews:Former Primate of Utrecht Thomas Gibbon resigns in disgrace

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 November 2009

Gibbon being worshiped at his villa on the Caspian Sea.

UTRECHT, The Netherlands -- Father Thomas Gibbon was removed from his position as Primate of Utrecht by the Pope Benedict XVI last week, hoping to stem rumors of bad behavior by the disgraced ex-Bishop.

According to our sources, Father Gibbon has been using Church funds to finance a life of depravity, complete with prostitutes, gambling, excessive drinking and drugging, and bribing police and Church officials to hush up his dalliances.

An unnamed source inside the Vatican told UnNews, "Father Gibbons actions are to be condemned, of course, but these are for the most part, the common failings of a man. His most grievous offenses, however, are to do with sacrilege, actual offenses against God and His Church."

Known only to few insiders, Father Gibbon kept a villa on the Caspian Sea, where he walked around naked most days and threw tremendous parties. Visitors were encouraged to worship Father Gibbon in a bizarre ceremony held on a wood pile.

Says our source, "Once the secret got out here (Vatican City), his career was finished. One simply cannot behave this way as a representative of the Holy Roman Catholic Church."

The position of Primacy will be filled by the Rev. Father Clyde "Right Turn" Meninges, an orangutan who will be the first non-human Primate ever appointed by the Catholic Church.

Sources

• Monsignor Quisach Hederach "Major demotion for Catholic priest" The Pilot, November 13, 2009