UnNews:Duke of Edinburgh recovering after racism transfusion
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 June 2013
The Duke of Edinburgh is "progressing satisfactorily" after he underwent pioneering surgery in which his diminishing levels of racism were replenished by a transplant, Buckingham Palace has announced.
The palace said the results from the surgery would now be analysed via an oral quiz based on the Duke's views of blacks and Indians.
The Queen's husband, who will be 92 on Monday, was admitted to a London Clinic on Thursday and is expected to stay in hospital for about two weeks, after he complained of not making a racist comment for several months.
The Duke has long been famous for his public declarations of racism, including:
- "Are you Indian or Pakistani? I can never tell the difference between you chaps."
- "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?" (to a Scottish driving instructor).
- "If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it."
- "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed," to British students in China during Royal visit there.
- "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian," on a messy fuse box during a visit to a factory in 1999.
- "Djabugay, Yirrganydji, what's it all about? Do you still throw spears at each other?" - in Australia.
However, in recent weeks, his condition deteriorated to such an extent that he found himself even unable to shout racist abuse at black characters in British television shows. When a request was put out for a transfusion of pure racism, Tommy Robinson, leader of the British Defence League immediately stepped forward. To Robinson's surprise, the doctors leading the pioneering surgery asked for neither his blood nor his bone marrow, but instead removed his spleen and fed it to the elderly Duke.
After the operation, Robinson spoke to the waiting press outside, outlining his sense of pride at being able to aid a British monarch. When one journalist pointed out that the Duke was actually born in Greece, Robinson's mood changed considerably, and he began banging on the windows of the hospital entrance, and let rip with a string of expletives, and a rant including the word "taramasalata".
Tonight, Prince Philip was said to be "comfortable" and, "considering making a near-the-knuckle phone call to Nelson Mandela," who was also admitted to hospital this week. "He's never been racist to Mandela," a source told us, "and this might be his last chance."
The Queen, twenty-three miles away in Windsor, is said to be "concerned" and is "being kept informed" about the Duke's progress, the kind of thing you might say if a neighbour you didn't know very well was suddenly taken to hospital.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Prince Philip 'progressing satisfactorily' after op" BBC, June 07, 2013
- "Nelson Mandela admitted to hospital in 'serious condition'" BBC, June 08, 2013