UnNews:David Moyes to be put down
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 April 2014
Manchester, England --David Moyes looked feeble and confused today, as he was led into a ward at the Manchester Royal Infirmary on the day that Manchester United football club have announced that he is to be humanely destroyed.
The decision to put down their manager has come after a series of embarrassing defeats in the Premier League over the last year.
His reign began in style with a 2-0 victory over Wigan Athletic in the Community Shield at Wembley, followed by a 4-1 win away at Swansea City in the first league game of the season. However, things quickly got worse with defeats at Anfield and Etihad Stadium, prompting initial concerns about the mental wellbeing of the Manager.
Moyes, who was previously at Everton, seemed not to be sure which club he was at. His early restructuring of Manchester United staff to include several staff members from his previous Everton side and the signing and attempted singing of Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines is now evidence that Moyes was not even aware he had changed sides in the summer. The fact that Manchester united is looking to finish in the same place in the table as Everton last year is testament to this fact.
As the football season progressed further it became increasingly evident that Moyes is suffering from some sort of debilitating illness or condition which has left him unable to manage his shoelaces let alone a premiership football team. His growing confusion and general bemusement on the sidelines has led to images of the manager being posted online with phrases such as “I don’t know what I’m doing.” These joke images now reflect a startling truth as Moyes is barely self-aware at this stage.
There had been calls from many fans, ever since the previous manager Alex Fergusson was euthanized, to also release Moyes of his duties and put him out of his clear misery. In March, some supporters chartered a plane to fly overhead during their Premier League game against Aston Villa trailing a banner with the words "Wrong One - Moyes Out". Sadly the plane has since been lost off the coast of Australia.
Moyes is now at a hospital in Manchester where he awaits the procedure that will end his life. Moyes is in a bad state with his mind highly deteriorated at this point but has managed to say he thinks the decision the best one considering the circumstances.
The method of execution has not yet been decided but an axe to the neck seems at the moment to be the most suitable.
A spokesman for Manchester United has said “It’s a terrible shame that it has come to this but we couldn’t watch United or David go through that kind of misery anymore and have made the decision to put David down humanely. We will begin immediately the search for a new manager who will promptly make poor decisions, be ridiculed and put to death, whether it be a metaphorical media death, a literal 'no more being alive’ death or a mixture of the two. May the holy cycle continue. Cristiano, Leonardo, Maradona and Pele. Amen.”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- BBC "David Moyes: Manchester United manager sacked by club" BBC, April 22, 2014