UnNews:Clinton eulogizes stepfather
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 February 2007
HOT SPRINGS, AK - Former president Bill Clinton, his wife, future president Hillary, and their daughter Chelsea, attended the funeral of his stepfather, Richard Kelley, whom Clinton eulogized.
“I want to thank my stepfather for making an honest woman out of my mother. When the time came to marry her, he didn’t wuss out, and we didn’t even need a shotgun to encourage him to wed her.”
Chelsea read an Irish benediction at the end of the service: "Saint Peter, if you’re minding the pearly gates today, please have the grace, when my grandpa arrives, to look the other way.”
Among the memories of Kelley that Clinton shared with his fellow mourners was his recollection as to how well his stepfather could hold his liquor. “The old bastard was weaned on moonshine. He could drink me under the table any morning, noon, or night.”
According to Clinton, his stepfather was also “quite the lady’s man.” With a wink at Hillary and Chelsea, he added, “He taught me everything he knew. I’d tell you more about that, but the two ladies I love more than life itself, Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones, are in attendance.”
After the funeral, Hillary attributed her husband’s remarks to “the enormous grief he feels at his stepfather’s demise.”
Kelley’s granddaughter, Lara Farrar, who also spoke at the funeral, said her grandfather was “quite the accomplished thief. Even as he lay dying in his hospital bed, he managed to steal shampoo bottles, peanuts, and ketchup packets. He was truly the embodiment of living life to its fullest.”
Hillary closed the ceremony by reminding mourners that she is running for president. “Be sure to vote for me,” she said.
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