UnNews:Cinema ceiling makes dramatic entrance during Captain America screening
Saturday, March 1, 2025
WENATCHEE, Chelan County -- A copy of Captain America, Brave New World, exclusive to the Liberty Cinema in Wenatchee, has premiered yesterday, much to critical acclaim from two local cinemagoers, who initially believed that the theatre's ceiling abruptly collapsed mid-screening when in actuality, the roof had took on an in-movie guest appearance. The two audience members, Greg Williamson, 42, and Randy Wilkins, 39, lauded the film's commitment to realism, with Wilkins enthusiastically shouting, "Damn, this shit realistic!" [sic] as debris rained down in the copy. Williamson, meanwhile, gave Marvel credit for "finally making a 4D experience that doesn't just shake my chair but actively threatens my life".
The unexpected collapse took place during a pivotal action sequence leading some to speculate that the ceiling was a bold new addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. "At first, I thought this was a multiversal rift", said Williamson, "then I remembered we were in Liberty Cinema, where the most advanced technology is a sticky floor." Tragically, Williamson and Wilkins remain the sole witnesses to this exclusive version of the film, as the only recording of the screening that exists online is in the form of a TikTok upload, and no subsequent showings from the cinema have been scheduled as of present, leading many online sceptics to dismiss said upload as either AI generated slop or a delicately refined editing job.
"This was truly a once-in-a-lifetime cinematic event", lamented Williamson. "Much like seeing all of the planets in the Solar System align, or a McDonald's ice cream machine, that, y'know, actually works!" Wilkins concurred with this statement, adding, "It's a tragedy that the rest of the world won't ever experience the moment when Captain America inspires hope while the ceiling inspires terror." Film historians and conspiracy theorists have already begun referring to this lost edition as the "Liberty Cut", a rare and fleeting masterpiece that may never be recreated. Unless, of course, another aging cinema decides to spontaneously collapse in time for Morbius 2: The Quest For Morb Money.
Chelan County authorities have lauded Disney and Marvel Studios for making a movie so stank that only two people were in the audience, and not dozens, therefore saving lives.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Natalie Neysa Alund "Theater ceiling collapses during 'Captain America' showing" USA Today, February 28, 2025