UnNews:COBE satellite takes Universe' temperature

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

31 May 2006

This image was created from COBE and WMAP satellite data. It didn't look like a bung hole to UnNews, either.

CAMBRIDGE MA, US -- MIT. the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, announced today that the data had been correlated, calculations made, and a patient chart created for the Universe, now that its anus has been located. Contrary to popular belief, it is not found on Uranus. Since 1583, when Olivia Newton-John discovered gravitational force, it's been known that the Universe had a temperature. It required the resources of a modern space agency, NASA, to get an accurate and precise reading.

"We've got the numbers now, and it looks like it does indeed have a fever," said Sagacious "Jellyroll" Morton, chief guitarist for NASA. "I guess the question now is, can we do anything about it?"

Since the day of Edwin Hubble, astronomers have been predicting an apocolypse. Believing in "End Times" prophecy is nothing new to NASA. Since the civilization of Sumer, astrologers and shamii predicted as much, when the Anti-Christ is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. By aiming COBE (Cosmic Background Explorer), and later WMAP (Wilkinson Microwave Anal Probe), at the spincter of the Universe, Dr. Eric Cartman was able to estimate the core body temperature of the Universe with great precision.

"I won't get into how we've detected the anus," said Cartman. "Suffice it to say it took a whole bunch of astrophsycists, proctologists, and a big-assed Ouija board."

"The Universe is sick! Sick, sick sick!" said astrologer and Seventh Day Adventist pastor Ollie "Thelonious" McFlatulent. "These people ought to be ashamed of themselve, searching for the Lord's back side. All it really needs is prayer and a Naturopathic physician."

Sources

• Carl "Smoke 'em if you got 'em" Sagan Jr. "Does the Universe need Tylenol?" NASA, May 31, 2006