UnNews:Breast Implants decrease Intellegence but won't give you Cancer

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 August 2006

This woman is obviously a genius.

BROWN UNIVERSITY, Rhode Island -- A recent study performed by Sir Issac Newton of Brown University discovered that breast implants lead to a decrease in IQ, but are not linked to cancer.

"You see, when the silicone globules are placed into the breasts they interfere with the neurological system. The silicone sends waves to the brain and the brain begins to function slowly. However, when I tested the lumpy fun bags, I discovered that the silcone found inside cannot create cancer cells. And I base this on absolutely nothing," Said Sir Issac Newton.

When asked why he had to bring intelligence up, he replied, "Because the stupider women are, the easier it is to get into their pants."

...Anyway...This message applies to all women: Get breast implants. Who needs to be smart in the 21st century? With that set aside, we also had another doctor, Doctor Gafagahaga, who gave us a completely different answer: "I believe that that whole thing is a load of bullshit. Getting breast implants does not make you any dumber than the average woman. And it certianly WILL give you cancer."

We decided to go out and ask someone with big boobs, er, I mean, BREAST IMPLANTS; Pamela Anderson! When we asked her about the situation, she giggled like a vacuous, vacant-headed dipshit and said, "What does "situation" mean?"

Apparently, none of these people know what they're talking about. I'm afraid we'll never know the answer...

Sources

• Reuters "Breast implants linked to suicide, but not cancer" CNN, August 18, 2006

• Martha Stewart. Places to hang leather and lace Wikipedia, September 22, 2003