UnNews:Biden announced as new Bond after signing with CAA
Wednesday, February 5, 2025
HOLLYWOOD -- Fresh off signing with CAA, EON Productions and Amazon MGM have announced former president Joe Biden as the next James Bond, succeeding Daniel Craig after a 15-year, 5-picture run.
Biden was previously with CAA from 2017 to 2020, in between his respective tenures as vice president and president. During that time, he released a New York Times bestselling book Promise Me, Dad and went on a national "American Promise" speaking tour.
“President Biden is one of America’s most respected and influential voices in national and global affairs, shut up, yes he is,” CAA co-chairman Richard Lovett said in a statement to UnNews. “His lifelong commitment to public service is one of unity, optimism, dignity, and possibility. We are profoundly honored to partner with him again. Which is more than I can say four years from now.”
EON and Amazon MGM released their own statement:
"We're excited that former president Biden has decided to pursue his lifelong Hollywood dreams. He's been working with a dialect coach to get his British accent just right. We'll be paying him more than Daniel Craig and he negotiated a clause in which he hand picks all the Bond girls."
Biden is a longtime fan of the 007 franchise and even has Sean Connery tattooed on his buttocks.
"He even signed it, God bless him!" Biden once claimed.
While he'll enjoy a big paycheck, the former POTUS will still donate 25% of his salary to LA wildfire funds.
"It just feels wrong to drink martinis, shoot bad guys and bang some hot chicks, and not do anything about humanitarian causes. So I want to help Gavin out."
Previous Bond actors are less than thrilled.
"I don't understand why Babs Broccoli is hiring a bloody American to play Bond," a bemused Craig told UnNews exclusively. "Then again [Blofeld actor] Donald Pleasence played the President of the United States in Carpenter's Escape from New York."
"Are you for real?" asked Pierce Brosnan. "I... have no comment. This is a lot to process."
"I don't think an 85-year-old Bond should be trusted with a license to kill," says Timothy Dalton. "What is he gonna do, run over the bad guys with his motorized and weaponized walker? Make his foes laugh to death with his old senile moments? But by God, I'll be first in line to see it."
"Isn't Biden 83 years old? He'll be a shorter-lived Bond than me!" joked George Lazenby.
Connery's ghost retorted, "Can I remove my autograph from hish assh now?"
Roger Moore's ghost was unavailable for comment.
The plot, title and villain are all under wraps. A release date is still TBD.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Katcy (sic) Stephan "Joe Biden signs with CAA" Variety, February 3, 2025
