UnNews:Biden announced as new Bond after signing with CAA
Wednesday, February 5, 2025
HOLLYWOOD -- Fresh off signing with CAA, EON productions and Amazon MGM have announced former president Joe Biden as the next James Bond, succeeding Daniel Craig after a 15-year, 5-picture run.
Biden was previously with CAA from 2017 to 2020, in between his respective tenures as vice president and president. During that time, he released a New York Times bestselling book Promise Me, Dad and went on a national "American Promise" speaking tour.
“President Biden is one of America’s most respected and influential voices in national and global affairs, shut up, yes he is,” CAA co-chairman Richard Lovett said in a statement to UnNews. “His lifelong commitment to public service is one of unity, optimism, dignity, and possibility. We are profoundly honored to partner with him again. Which is more than I can say four years from now.”
EON and Amazon MGM released their own statement:
"We're excited that former president Biden has decided to pursue his lifelong Hollywood dreams. He's been working with a dialect coach to get his British accent just right. We'll be paying him more than Daniel Craig and he negotiated a clause in which he hand picks all the Bond girls."
Biden is a longtime fan of the 007 franchise and even has Sean Connery tattooed on his buttocks.
"He even signed it, God bless him!" Biden once claimed.
While he'll enjoy a big paycheck, the former POTUS will still donate 25% of his salary to LA wildfire funds.
"It just feels wrong to drink martinis, shoot bad guys and bang some hot chicks, and not do anything about humanitarian causes. So I want to help Gavin out."
Previous Bond actors are less than thrilled.
"I don't understand why Babs Broccoli is hiring a bloody American to play Bond," a bemused Craig told UnNews exclusively. "Then again [Blofeld actor] Donald Pleasence played the President of the United States in Carpenter's Escape from New York."
"Are you for real?" asked Pierce Brosnan. "I... have no comment. This is a lot to process."
"I don't think an 85-year-old Bond should be trusted with a license to kill," says Timothy Dalton. "But by God, I'll be first in line to see it."
"Isn't Biden 82 years old? He'll be a shorter-lived Bond than me!" joked George Lazenby.
Connery's ghost retorted, "Can I remove my autograph from his ass now?"
Roger Moore's ghost was unavailable for comment.
The plot, title and villain are all under wraps. A release date is still TBD.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Katcy (sic) Stephan "Joe Biden signs with CAA" Variety, February 3, 2025
