UnNews:Astronauts starting to suspect no one is coming for them
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 March 2007
Taurus-Littrow, The Moon- Astronauts Eugene Cernan, Ron Evans, and Harrison "Jack" Schmitt have passed their 84th lunar eclipse without rescue, and Cernan is finally starting to come around to the opinion that had been held by both the others for over 350 months, that no one from NASA is coming to save them.
Just minutes after the most recent lunar eclipse, Commander Cernan (73) finally admitted that "it really is looking pretty unlikely" that anyone from NASA is mounting a rescue mission. Since launching their specially-made clones by NASA (the first in the history of man) from the moon's surface 423 months ago, Apollo 17's crew has been monitoring the effect of the lunar environment on man, the ability of humanity to "live off the land" on a separate planet, and, against their will, the ability of humanity to live without any contact from mission control (this, for the last 385 months). Before contact was lost, NASA assured the three men that their clones were doing an excellent job of imitating them in front of their families and that their mission was the most important one in the course of humanity's next goal of taming the virgin lands of outer space.
"It's about time!" said Jack Schmitt (72), Geologist and pilot of the lunar module. Evans was the second crewman to come to the decision that they were actually stranded, and not part of some grand, secret NASA plan. "We haven't even heard from them in over 30 years!"
"Actually, it's been just over 32," corrected Ron Evans (74), Electrical Engineer and pilot of the command module. "I'm glad you've FINALLY decided to join the rest of us, GENE." Evans was convinced the entire scheme was some government conspiracy to test how long humans can survive abandoned in space from the moment he discovered his clone after reaching orbit. "I still don't know why they wanted ME to come down here, too. Now help me bag this up."
Since running out of supplies 2 months into the lunar mission, the three men have had to recycle and rerecycle everything that could be edible or drinkable on the module, usually many times over. The fact they survived a year under such conditions could be considered a miracle, not to mention 423 months. Most people would have given up when the power gave out over 300 months ago, but nothing keeps these astronauts down.
"Sure, the boiling temperatures during sunlight and mercury freezing temperatures during starlight are hard to get used to at first, but we've had survival training, you know? So we manage," said Evans. "That doesn't mean I'm not kicking James Fletcher's ass when I get back, but yeah, we've made it this far, I don't see why we couldn't make it another 10, or 20 months, assuming my heart holds out." Fletcher was in charge of mission control back in 1972 when the mission was launched, and this reporter thought it best not to let them know that he doesn't hold that position today, or that he died over 15 years ago.
It is still not understood why they've been able to survive despite their supply of oxygen running out 420 months ago. "I guess that's just good ol' American ingenuity, or maybe someone up there is looking out for us," said Commander Cernan. "So, you'll ... you'll let NASA know we're willing to forgive everything if they just come up and get us, won't you?"
NASA officials did not return our calls.
