UnNews:America, others, not real democracies

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4 July 2007
Washington, United States

The Free World, highlighted in red

A study done by university students at Washington DC's American University discovered that the "free world," and specifically the United States of America, is in fact, not free. The study claims that while under their current government, reminiscent of Plato's Republic, there is a good amount of freedom, citizens actually have no say in the politics of their respective countries and politicians consistently use their wide sweeping powers for personal gain. The study also states that among all the countries of the world, only Switzerland is a real democracy. The others are, according to White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, "Pretend democracies." The researchers cited Wikipedia as the source of their information, which has led to heavy criticism due to the fact that Wikipedia is just a comedy website.

Sorry, guys, its true

A spokesman for all both of the United States' political parties have not denied the reality that the country is not a real democracy. The spokesman, who preferred to remain anonymous, stated "Both the Democrats and Republicans have known for centuries that our political system is in fact undemocratic, but we vowed to keep it a secret because we could only gain by pretending to be our opposites. Believe it or not, Nancy Pelosi and Dick Cheney secretly go golfing together every first saturday of the month." Not that that's news to anyone, but the anonymous spokesman also revealed that "...the Democrats and Republicans have been in league since the time of our founding fathers. Granted, George Washington tried to warn us with his farewell address, but people forgot it pretty quickly. The electoral college, for example, was designed by Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton, who were really friends, for the purpose of undermining the will of the general public. The first parties, the Federalists and Anti-federalists were really created to make it seem like the people actually had a choice. As time went on the Democrat-Republican party was formed and at one time the U.S. experimented with a one party state, but the people became disillusioned and that's how we have the Democrats and Republicans of today." One Senator actually said, "It's kind of cute that they finally found out really, because we've been getting all these letters from American citizens who were pleading with us to impeach George Bush. We had a good chuckle in the Senate lunch room while discussing how citizens actually thought that we were representing them and not our personal interests!"

If you don't keep your fucking mouth shut, I'll cut out your liver and eat it with a nice chianti. Oh Hillary, always so current and up to date. You really should vote for me, even though you have no choice in the end anyway. But seriously, keep this article on the down low.

For whatever reason, when UnNews interviewed various Americans, who were celebrating their "democracy's" birthday today, they seemed shocked to find out that they were not in fact free. Washington native Alexa Andrews said "Wow, just when I thought I was taking part in our democracy by visiting websites like 'think progress' and 'move on' I realize that both parties are corrupt out the ass and that they're really just undermining my independence. What a bunch of pricks." Still others, like Bobby Southwood from New York, stated "Who would have thought that all two parties would team up like that. It just seems ridiculous to me." Most however, expressed denial in the reality that no one cares about what they think, and they went on celebrating how free and awesome America really is.

Throughout our interviews, most of our correspondents have been reporting that even though the leading authorities have admitted it, Americans and others will go on pretending that they are really free. When facing the great irony that America is not a democracy, even though it constantly is claiming to be spreading democracy to places like Iraq, Chile, and El Salvador, it seems that people are so afraid to admit they were wrong that they will give up their liberty so that they can be ruled by corrupt politicians. With the American press' coverage of the 2008 election that isn't happening for another year and a half, Americans continue to have their hopes up so that when Barack Obama doesn't win the Democratic nomination, their hopes can be utterly smote for another four years.

While it may seem like the whole world is falling apart these days, we have to remember that the world was never really together to begin with.