UnNews:'Cavemans could have never known to use stone' Psuedoarchaeologist says
Sunday, March 16, 2025
ANCHORAGE, ALASKA - In one of our more scientific news stories this week, we look at the past and also the present, whatever kind of stupid way we can start this story I'll take it. It seems like at least now, at least more than ever in history, have we been plagued by misinformation and "fake news". Obviously, you're already combating this by listening to the one and only true news source, UnNews, yet some people are still tricked by history books and their false narratives to hide what really is the truth. A lot of this comes from the fact of ancient structures being so damn good. I mean, wow, these things are so elegant. And you're telling me they were made by grunting stupid monkeys? Preposterous! Quinn Steel runs a channel on TikTok called "The Real History" that delves deep into these types of lies, defeating them with facts and evidence. It has become VERY popular recently, getting to even 30k subscribers! Holy moly, golly gee willikers! Some folks call it "psuedoarchaeology" but Quinn says that it's really "truedoarchaeology". We interviewed him to see his thoughts.
"Yeah, the thing is that there has just been all this thing about cavemans really being this smart, but I don't think they could make any of these buildings."
"So, you think they could use stone tools?" said our reporter Cade Woolworth.
"No, I don't think so. I think.. if you look closely at caveman, you have to realize that their tiny peanut brains are fucking stupid and they had no way to know how to do basic things then just grunt like animals or have orgies."
"Do you think there was any evolution between monkeys and man?"
"I do agree that evolution does exist, I am an atheist, however I think that the difference between monkeys and man is that man has the balls to go on the ground, if it wasn't for that they were probably stupid and masturbating mostly all of the time."
"So, the pyramids, what do you think of that?"
"They could have never made them. They had to have some contact with an alien tribe. They're stupid as hell. Stupid bastards. Couldn't make fucking stairs."
"Do you have any ill will against them?"
"Well, I wouldn't say so, I'm just saying how fucking unintelligent they are, stupid-as-fuck dumbasses with shit-for-brains, a bunch of goddamn bitches. I would say that they have exceeded expectations of what they could have done back then, though."
"Ahh. Alright then. Well, I'll be subscribing."
It seems as if we could have never known. Unless we had time machines or something.. Wait, I have an idea! Oh, hell no, I'm too stupid to think of it and it isn't the right decade anyway.. Well, there goes another attempt at comedy here at UnNews!
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