UnBooks:Jesus on Hanukkah
Gather around the fireplace, kiddies. Grandpa has a nice holiday story to tell you. It's about our Lord Jesus ...on Hanukkah! That's right, I said Hanukkah. Jesus celebrated Hanukkah.
What if I told you Jesus was Jewish? It's true! He was as Jewish as anyone who ever Jewed. He honored the Sabbath[1], ate kosher, and studied the Hebrew Scriptures closely. Also, he was circumcised, but we're not here to talk about his Sanctified Penis. No, there will be plenty of other occasions for that. I'm going to tell you kids the story of what happened to Jesus one magical Hanukkah night.
So Jesus had been doing his ministry thing for some time now, preaching about the Kingdom of God and performing miracles, and gaining a cult following[2]. The Jews, however, were divided over how to interpret this. Was he a prophet? Was he crazy? Was he empowered by the Devil? Many chose the latter interpretations. "Why listen to this guy," they said. "He's obviously crazy, and he probably has a fuckin' demon in him, too." Some rebutted, "You sure? He doesn't sound like a guy with a demon in him. How could a demon make the blind see?" Iron-clad logic, indeed.
Soon winter came, and with it came Hanukkah. One night in Jerusalem, Jesus was trying to enjoy some down time at the Temple in Solomon's porch. However, some Jews gathered around and started pestering him. "Dude, no more suspense, no more mind games. Just spit it: Are you the Messiah or not?"
He responded, "Ugh. Haven't we been over this a hundred times? Everything I do is in my Father's name. I am the Good Shepherd, but you don't believe me because you are not my sheep. My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life. My Father, likewise, gave this power to me."
Then he dropped a major blasphemy bomb:
| “ | I and my Father are One. | ” |
The Jews didn't like this one bit, so they picked up some stones and started throwing them at him. He said, "Hey, ow, c'mon, guys, what are you doing? I've done a lot of good stuff!" The Jews were like, "Oh, no, we're cool with that. It's the blasphemy that irritates us. You're a man making yourself out to be God!"
Jesus retorted, "Oh, yeah. Derp. Well, it's written in the Scriptures: 'I said, "You are gods"'[3] See, right there. The Word of God calls humans gods, and the Scripture is always true! So what's the difference between that and me calling myself the Son of God? Checkmate!" He then licked his finger, placed it on his rump and made a tssss sound.
Now this really pissed them off, so he got the hell out of there as soon as they went back to the stones. It was the worst birthday he ever had. Although, in hindsight, it was a walk in the park compared to how he spent that following Passover.
There you have it, kids. Jewish people hated Jesus from the start, and Christians and Jews have had bad blood ever since. The moral of the story: Don't piss all over someone's religious beliefs by claiming to be God.
Happy Chrismukkah!
. . . . .
Uh.. I'm being told by grandmama that the turkey isn't quite done yet. I guess I have some time after all to tell you young'ons about our Lord's penis.
It all started New Year's Day, Year 1 AD. 8-day-old Baby Jesus still had his foreskin, and it was very, very itchy......
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Somewhat. Matthew 12:1-8
- ↑ 'Cult' in Tommy Wiseau sense, not the L Ron Hubbard sense.
- ↑ Psalm 82:6
See Also[edit | edit source]
 | This page was originally sporked from John 10:19-39 |