Trojan asteroid
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“Never roid a beware Trojan ass in the gift-horse Greek--WHUT?!?”
The Trojan asteroid (Globuluk Weinerschaft: ₣ч₧ΐ№люљűŧſijħ¢§, pronounced ɐɭɨəɳ ɓɑʂʈɐʀɗʂ) is an asteroid that is dressed in harmless John Lewis vouchers and Filipino child porn but is in fact destined to DAMN US ALL.
People[edit | edit source]
The Trojan asteroid is home to a significant farmer population, which grew up around its great dust plains. Dust harvesting season is normally June-July-ish, when the dust grains have fully ripened. 1 kilogram of premium red dust sells for 2¢ if the seller manages to find someone dumb enough, however with packaging 1 kg costs $7, which is why the business has become so lucrative.
There is a large community of Australian expatriates on the Trojan asteroid, all of whom are on inter-pol sex offender registers, are guaranteed 100% evil, and have hosted at least one radio programme. Australians currently make up 30% of the Trojan asteroid's population.
In more recent years a red-light district has sprung up on the north face of the asteroid, which incidentally is also the east face and south face because of the asteroid's erratic rotations. Researchers have put this down to the asteroid government's recent focus on their evil program and clamp-down on acts of goodness, which have led to leniency over bar licenses and legislation, along with less enforcement of illicit jokes about kitten huffing.
Trojan connection[edit | edit source]
As part of its evil geo-political agenda, the asteroid was twinned with the city of Troy, from which it has gained its earthly title. In BC 1097, the twinning was introduced to citizens of Troy as part of an initiative to get its young people active in inter-spatial obfuscation, but it in fact became far more popular with the significant Greek population of Troy, which coincidentally left and dissolved the twinning several decades later, fortunately for Troy, as the city could not have supported the twinning during the Trojan war with the Achaean Greeks which started two weeks after the dissolution. Another coincidence occurred as Troy lost the war, as the Trojan asteroid automatically assumed Troy under a law that probably didn't exist.
Trojan asteroid parliament[edit | edit source]
- Don't see more: Trojan asteroid parliament
The Trojan asteroid does not have a parliament building as such, but its benevolent leader Yang Amat Mulia Tunku Tan Sri Imran ibni al-Marhum Tuanku Ja’afar al-Haj (pbuh) has led its people justly and well for the last 3000 years, and with His decisions given fair representation to all denominations (30% Australian perverts, 55% dust farmers) of His asteroid.
Dedication to eternal damnation[edit | edit source]
One of the current government's core projects has been to eternally damn the human race, and it has set up many charities and other institutions to raise awareness for this. Unfortunately, the asteroid's association with this cause has led to controversy at different points, most recently with many US corporations boycotting dust trade with the asteroid in 2011, believing that funding the asteroid might worsen PR.
Damnedgate scandal of 1996[edit | edit source]
On October 21st 1996, a major leak was made that detailed many of the methods that were to be used by the Trojan asteroid government to eternally damn all citizens of earth. The UN deemed that some of these practices might be unethical, for instance covering the world in smog could be unsafe for children suffering from asthma, while obliterating all major cities may be detrimental for care homes and leave their residents vulnerable. Spokesperson for the Trojan asteroid parliament, Damian Hertzfeldt, stated:
| “ | It is unfortunate that some of our current hypothetical methods may or may not penalise the vulnerable of society, so we as an asteroid promise to revise these methods and so make sure that we may damn all puny humans in a more humane tomorrow. | ” |
For a time being, this placated The Hague and secured relations with international businesses and investors, causing the Lagrangian Peso to rise in value by a great 57% in the first financial quarter of 1997.