The Great Global Repopulation of 1946
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The Great Global Repopulation of 1946 is a historical event in which Field Marshall Sir Thomas Hugh Charles Shaggingworth single-handedly led a campaign that significantly increased the human population by having sex with unprecedented numbers of women.
After the Second World War, the world had a large deficit of people. Both soldiers and civilians in all countries (except Switzerland) lost their lives by virtue their direct and indirect involvement in the conflict. Field Marshall Shaggingworth surveyed the situation when he was appointed the chairman of the Royal Commission on International Population Deficits. The report of the Royal Commission, published in 1945, recorded Shaggingworth’s dissenting view in the recommendations section:
“Such a state of affairs has prompted me to act on basic instincts of the most cardinal nature to repair the damage that this conflict wrought through a campaign of frequent and enjoyable repopulation. Seeing as my colleagues on the Royal Commission do not agree with my views, then I shall see it as incumbent upon myself to execute such an undertaking.”
And so it began. His proponents called him a genius. Detractors called him a madman. But his quest was simple: undo the damage of the Second World War.
Statistics[edit | edit source]
Shaggingworth began his rigorous campaign of repopulation in Western Europe, starting with the major urban centres in southern England. Because there were many widows in that area, their chances of procreating were seriously limited. However, Shaggingworth pushed through this barrier. In order to restore the population back to normal levels, he impregnated 4 women every night, often times simultaneously to increase efficiency. However, there was much more work that needed to be done in terms of global population. He toured the British Isles, then went into France. By the time he left Western Europe, he impregnated women at the average rate of 19 women per hour.
He continued East, swiftly removing the panties of women at the statistical average of thrice every minute. He systematically repopulated the Middle East, Central Asia, Indo-China and the entire Soviet Union. His repopulation campaign then penetrated Japan, moving into the Philippines, then Oceania.
Shaggingworth was well versed when he reached the Americas. His seed flowed from Baffin Island all the way to Cape Horn. Statically, he would be having sexual congress with at least eight women at every two seconds during his time in the Americas. However, his time in Rio de Janeiro probably threw off the curve.
Demographics of Repopulation[edit | edit source]
The breakdown of women with whom Shaggingworth repopulated is as follows:
- 9.2 % Librarians
- 13.2 % Secretaries
- 13.9 % Nurses
- 14.8 % Schoolgirls
- 16.4 % Lifeguards
- 20.3 % Personal Trainers
- 28.1% Cheerleaders
Legendary Status[edit | edit source]
“Shaggingworth got more pussy than a kitten recycling centre.”Shaggingworth’s work in repopulation did not go unnoticed. King George VI in 1951 awarded Shaggingworth the Victoria Cross for “the most conspicuous service in human reproduction.” Shaggingworth’s work prompted the Baby Boom that saw the continuation of humanity after the devastating impact of the Second World War. Overall, he fathered over 4.6 billion illegitimate children in 1946, which accounted for well over half of the global population at the time.
British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill commended his actions with his famous quote: “Never has so many copulated so much with so few.”
Critics[edit | edit source]
Canadian Prime Minister William Lyon Mackenzie King scoffed at Shaggingworth’s global repopulation, dismissing it as nothing more than “a trivial pursuit of illicit pleasure.” Shaggingworth dismissed King’s public censure in a letter to a confidant, saying “The Prime Minister of Canada is not qualified to speak of my efforts for lack of experience.” Shaggingworth’s letter continued, “If a man’s greatness is measured by the number of women who inherit his seed, then, based on an examination of all reliable records, all reasonable persons should invariably conclude that I had sex with tons of sluts.”