That time I was nearly raped by a yak during my sojourn in Canada, only to have my testicles molested by a teleporting testicle molester
Dude, that fucking thing was huge. Like, WTF?
So there I was[edit | edit source]
camping in the fucking woods, doing my Solid Snake thing with the Arctic shit and the huskies, right? Like, lumberjack badass shit.
and this fucking yak[edit | edit source]
bursts out of the trees, musk all over the place, and instead of going for the dogs, he makes a yakline straight for me.
but then this glowing electronic orb[edit | edit source]
showed up out of nowhere, and I guess it spooked the yak, thank fuckin' Christ. But then this creepy dude walked out of it. He was wearing an eye patch, a scruffy beard, a rainbow sweater vest, crotchless jeans and a rubber penis on his head. No shit, that's how he was dressed.
and then he grabbed[edit | edit source]
my nuts! WTF? He gave 'em a good grip and swirled them around in a David Bowie-esque spiral motion while I just stood there like a goddamn deer in headlights. Say, did I tell you my deer story? Eh, fuck it, I'll save it for another time.
A few moments later this testicle molester let go of my balls, jumped back in his pussy-ass orb and disappeared. I felt so violated.
No, seriously, that guy molested my testicles.