That Television Show With Blinking Lights Where People Talk Really Loudly!!!

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Go towards the light. Put hand in wallet. Pull out cash.

That Television Show With Blinking Lights Where People Talk Really Loudly!!! has been a staple of the American entertainment diet since its inception in 1953 as a Marlboro Awesome Sticks advertisement vehicle. The actual premise of the show is shaky, and it seems to fluctuate week by week with little regard for continuity, clarity, or even good sense. One time you'll find a game show comprised of playing cards and small, smart-mouthed children tossing snide insults back and forth, another time you'll find a sitcom where the actors longingly stare into the camera after jokes about erectile dysfunction. It could be anything, really, as long as it contains blinking lights and people talking really loudly, two things which Nielsen ratings have consistently proven are among what people like best in their television shows, aside from violence, bears in clown suits, and, obviously, violent bears in clown suits.

That Television Show With Blinking Lights Where People Talk Really Loudly!!! has often been derided by critics as too "loud", "garish", "blinky", and too "reeking of corporate shill-itude like the sluttiest of five-dollar whores bought on an executive business trip". Regardless, the show is popular with all demographics.

The First Run[edit]


The first few episodes were, to put it gently, strange even for the time period. The shows themselves, perhaps due to the exploratory nature of the nascent industry, were over 3 hours long, and consisted of nothing but a large wall of blinking lights in front of which a man in casual attire would throw unlit match-sticks at a bashful opossum while yelling out Shakespeare dialog to it. To call this confused would be an understatement. To call it Pavlovian would be taking things too far. To call it genius would be unfair. This is not mere genius, this is the pinnacle of human thought! Or at least it was for six episodes, until the entire premise changed, maintaining only the volume and the lights.

Notable Episodes[edit]

Due to the disparate nature of the programming it's often difficult to separate the trash from the gems. Nonetheless there are some definite "stone cold classic" episodes such as:

Episode #121[edit]

Ah, Episode #121. What starts off as a seemingly normal story about a man and his mule soon turns into a whimsical tale about how mules love light bulbs, and also love Marlboro brand cigarettes. The subtlety employed is really something to watch, while enjoying the smooth, delicious aroma that only a fine piece of choice tobacco can supply.

Episode #331[edit]

This episode has an angry farmer trying to catch a fish with a package of Ramen noodles and a tank of gasoline helpfully provided by the Exxon company. The farmer doesn't manage to catch the fish, but he learns a valuable lesson along the way: buy Ramen noodles and gasoline, in that order.

Episode #465[edit]

Surely by now everyone knows what happened during this episode. No need to get into the details, but let's just say that stain never came clean, either from the stage or from the mind.

Episode #732[edit]

During this episode a young Ronald Reagan makes a cameo appearance as a rough-and-tumble cowboy out on the range. Cowboy Reagan then proceeds to yell at some 'varmints' (Mexicans) and then enters the saloon, which is of course decked out in gaudy bulbs of all shapes and sizes. Reagan and his cowboy cohorts soon break out into song and proclaim the wonders of Marlboro cigarettes. And that was how the Marlboro Man was born.

Episodes #733 to #17,481[edit]

It would not be inaccurate to say nothing meaningful happened between episodes #733 and #17,481, a period during which the show attempted to court the ever-fickle and ever-sticky "adolescent" demographic with educational programming consisting of an anthropomorphous turtle regaling kids with tales of how the Letters A through C and the number 7 love and adore Wonderbread.

Some say this time period of the ever-popular show directly led to America losing its place as a leader in science and industry, but this is not the case: fluoride in the water is the true culprit.

Episode #43,152[edit]

The consists of nothing but a monologue about how much fun it is to drink dishwashing detergent, which may sound strange to contemporary ears but was something which, at the time, served as useful allegory to the Vietnam war. Also it was a great use of product placement.

The Show Today[edit]

Due to its ephemeral nature, it's hard to explain what the modern incarnation is really about, but a rough intimation could perhaps be made:

Imagine lights. Now imagine them blinking. Now imagine talking. Imagine it louder! Eroticism! Sexual Frustration! Fat and ugly consumers buy SUVs!

In that summary you should get a general idea of the subject matter, high-brow but at the same time sophomoric, reaching to the very core of our human urges and then fondling them oh-so-gently, like a naughty girl that is readily available and oh-so affordable.

Deeper analysis into meanings hidden into the show have been undertaken by various researchers but actual meaningful results are scant. Apparently the scatter-brained nature of the programming itself obfuscates attempts to get at any hidden messages or guiding voices in the episodes. Also your penis is too small and your wife is cheating on you.

Popular Appeal[edit]

Put that remote down you harlot! You slut! You hussy! You pretty, pretty girl, you...

That Television Show With Blinking Lights here People Talk Really Loudly!!! has consistently ranked among the top few television shows in terms of ratings, along with When Rap Superstars Throw Wads of Cash in the Face of Poor People and BREASTS!. But what these shows do in terms of explicit sex and consumerism, That Television Show With Blinking Lights Where People Talk Really Loudly!!! does through implicit sex and consumerism.

A recent episode consisted of 3 spry young teenage girls in tank tops washing a panting Golden Retriever amidst the obligatory lights, while talking loudly of how 'slippery' it was when they were bent over, sponges in hand. This episode set a ratings record, and has been the source of many an article in the entertainment press about the state of modern television and morality: better than ever is the consensus, if you're into panting toward bright, flashing teenagers, which we indeed are.