Sutherland Shire
“We'd rather swap places with Oscar than to live here, mate”
“I feel right at home, why move from one dump to another, mate?”
“Cookie Monster likes cookies, mate!!”
“Hi-7”
“Care for a cup of tea, old chap?”
Sutherland Shire is located south of Sydney, Straiya, and is the most beautiful, sophisticated location in the entire known universe, overgrown with trees, flowers, and nuclear wastes. Whilst it is inconceivable that nuclear wastes actually grows, it is equally inconceivable that humans can grow three legs and four eyes; yet this phenomenon is not uncommon among the beautiful creatures residing in Sutherland Shire, in particular Kurnell, a picturesque suburb full of sophisticated rocket scientists and nuclear physicists. Sutherland Shire residents are also the most racially-tolerant humans on earth, they often hold peace rallies promoting love among ethnicities.
Evolutionary Origins[edit | edit source]
Past research has shown that the landmass that is now known as Sutherland Shire was not originally attached to the rest of Sydney, or indeed, the mainland of Australia. It was actually the flattened remain of a giant asteroid from the same planet which produced fine human specimens as John Travolta and David Beckham. The high intelligence and racial tolerance of the residents were said to result from harmonious music (like Simon and Garfunkel) emitting from epithelial cells of man-eating crocodiles previously infesting the area.
Contribution to Society[edit | edit source]
The concentration of such un-intelligent humans in what is is known commonly as 'The Shire' has resulted over time in the development of a species known as 'The Shire'. The Shire are the regional rulers of Straiya, and have a reputation for brutality and superiority. Chief amongst their number was the evil overlord Dana Vale, famous for both her beauty and intelligence. Under her leadership they have steadily developing an asia wide kingdom with traits not unlike the Manchurian empire. With her tenure expired, rule has passed to the benevelant dictatorship of Scott Morrison. Oddly enough a common typo for 'The Shire' is 'The Shite'.
Sutherland Shire residents are well known to contribute substantially to the cultural and scientific advancements of Straiya. They have published in such worthy journals as the St George and Sutherland Shire Leader, Sydney Morning Herald, and The Age.
Their most notable inventions include:
- Glasses for three-eyed people (Tasmanians have since filed for patent infringement)
- The Offside rule
- Leonardo Da Vinci
- The Dive (since perfected by Italian football player Fabio Grosso)
- Southern Cross Tattoos
Residents and Racial Tolerance[edit | edit source]
Sutherland Shire residents are among the most racially tolerant people on earth. Millions of years of geographical isolation (not to mention the fact that they did not come from the same planet as normal Straiyans) proved no barriers, in fact people of vastly different ethnicities were seen peacefully performing orgies at Cronulla beach, the most picturesque ocean-front lavatory in the world.
In December 2005, residents of all races were overcame with unrrestrained passion and held a Grand Love-Making Party. The actions were universally praised by other prominent Straiyans, including former leader of our country Sir St. John Howard.
Rugby League[edit | edit source]
Peaceful residents of the Shire enjoy the most tranquil sporting contest on earth, Rugby League. Played by robots to minimise human damage, thousands of Shire residents pack into the local colosseum, Shark Park, to enjoy this sophisticated and gentlemanly game. As is customary, a strict dress-code of flannels and thongs (ugg boots in winter) is required for entrance. Their local team, Cronulla Sharks, are so filled with humility and love for fellow humans that they preferred allowing other teams to win the premiership, ever since they entered the competition in 1767.
Supporters of other teams outside of the Shire are touched by their generosity, that no one dared to step into the sacred arena when the Sharks are playing. Shire residents showed their reciprocal respect by never leaving the Shire to watch other games.
Engadine - a heaven within a heaven[edit | edit source]
Despite being within the bounds of Sutherland Shire, the suburb of Engadine is universally regarded as autonomous and independent, due to its superiority in all facets of human virtue. The belief in their superiority was first engendered by the founder of the town, Basil Fawlty, in 1766. The supreme intelligence of Engadine residents means that their beliefs should be strictly adhered to, and should be accepted without further questioning.
Engadine is best famed for their British culinary expertise, evident via the nomenclature of their homeland: Eng signifies their English heritage, dine has gestatory connotations, and a is a mindless syllable providing invaluable linkage. The love of fine dining by the suburb spurred considerable economic growth for specific industries, such as Jenny Craig.
The superb IQ and cooking enjoyed by Engadine residents is only matched by their wonderful dress sense. Their propensity to wear ugg boots outdoors preceded fashion by 500 years, a trend only recently adopted by Haris Pilton and Ricole Nichie.
In recent times, the occupants of Engadine have taken on more identity by adopting the song "Funkytown" as the anthem of their pleasant redneck suburb.
On Friday nights, Engadine becomes a scary little place as the Emos come out to play. Lock your doors, and keep your animals inside!
Other Heavenly Suburbs[edit | edit source]
Miranda[edit | edit source]
Miranda consists of a massive concrete block, known as Miranda Fair, or Westfield Miranda as the corporate developers preferred. It is populated by bored high school kids with nothing better to do after school and are too cool to find a job. Occasionally it is infested by losers posing as Rugby League players and chatting up young female shop-keepers. Outside of the concrete block, Miranda is a wasteland inhabited by white-ants.
Kurnell[edit | edit source]
An architectural marvel rivalled only by the Pyramids and Uluru. It was build single-handedly by Captain James Cook, the official founder of Straiya. He established tremendous rapport with the local Aborigines, who showed their gratitude by presenting him with the local spears, thrown from approximately 50 metres. Kurnell locals are extremely proud of the tradition, that they have declined all contacts from the outside, and lived in their peaceful and primitive lifestyles. Chancellor Morris Iemma's diabolical plans to build a desalination plant were vehemently rejected by the environmentally-minded citizens of Kurnell, on the grounds that it would block out their view of the natural wonder that the preceding Aboriginal tribes named "the Caltex Oil Refinery". Visits to Kurnell are only permissible if you wish to see the Caltex Oil Refinery, or there to watch the Kurnell Stingrays Rugby League team.
Cronulla[edit | edit source]
As aforementioned, the most picturesque waterfront lavatory in the world, and a racially-tolerant location where folks from all walks of life share the sunshine. It is largely inhibited by the highly-intelligent beings surfies. With their flowing blonde hair and tanned skin, they repeatedly astonish the world with their intelligence, and swoon women all over the land with their extraordinary sensitivity towards the fairer sex. On Saturday nights, the suburb would come under attack from bogans, usually treated with utmost respect from the locals. That is, they are stabbed twice, rather than 50 times.
Waterfall[edit | edit source]
Sutherland Shire residents showed their gratitude towards their always-on-time train system by establishing a suburb just for the convenience of the train drivers. Evidence of this altruistic intention was not documented, however the fact that the suburb consists nothing but a train terminus supports this hypothesis. The name Waterfall was kindly derived to encourage foreign travellers on their thirsty travels. The area is totally devoid of water, or any signs of life, and the nearest KFC is not another 30 minutes away.