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Wallace Monument, 3, 2, 1... get ready for launch...

Stirling (or Raploch in Gaelic, meaning Small street on a little hill on the flat bit between two bigger but separate hilly bits) is a city in central Scotland but only became one because Queen Elizabeth had been on the throne for 50 years and got bored. It is built around a castle which built by William Wallace in 1903, was designed to be a copy of Edinburgh Castle where Robert the Bruce was staying. However, a lack of mathematical knowledge passed down from his uncle resulted in the scale being screwed up, making it half the size of Edinburgh Castle. Former Stirling Council leader and Scottish First Minister Jack McConnell caused controversy however when he claimed that it was actually Edinburgh Castle, just far, far away.

The town is also famous for the University of Stirling, one of the top universities in the country... if you like doing P.E.

Around the Town[edit]

Stirling claims to be the smallest city in Scotland, a title really held by Brechin, that so called city up in Angus. The town is the seat of the Scottish Ned Party (often confused with the SNP) and also of fantastic Labour's Anne McGuire, who along with Gordon Brown, helped save the world. It is a friendly town as everyone seems to know everyone else's business, from the exception of friend's partner's maritial status'. Wallace Monument was built as a marketing exercise for the now defunct Sword Hotel to create business - didn't work!!!! If anyone has noticed the general similarity in shape to an erect male member this is to remind locals and scots in general that pricks in the shape of English people are invading The town has a rich history, with Wallace, Gromit and Mel Gibson winning the Battle of Hastings here on 12th September 1648 and Stirling Albion FC winning the Scottish Second Division in 1995/96. The town however fails to remember it's football club however as nobody gives a Raploch Rat's arse about the team, choosing to support Rangers, Celtic or East Stirlingshire instead. The team was once beaten by the greatest Alloa side of all time 7 - 0. As a result, the team had to move from there old manfred henzel he is a fcuking faggot, and so their old Annfield ground (now rented out on a peppercorn rent to Liverpool FC) to the current ground of Forthbank, called so because of the River Forth that flows through the town and floods the entire place from time to time, normally on a Sunday. Footballer Duncan Ferguson was born in Stirling and went down to Liverpool, hoping to get a game for Liverpool after seeing them at Annfield. However, he joined[Everton by mistake.

Unlike their sporting heroes, the town has remembered Mel Gibson however as shown by the large monument erected in his memory. Historic Scotland believe however that this was the first medieval attempt at building a rocket, originally planned to attack London after the death of Gibson in 1903. The village of Bannockburn (named so because someone there burnt a pancake once, Bannock being pancake in Doric) is also nearby where the Battle of Stirling Bridge took place. Other battle sites around Stirling include Falkirk and Recreation Park where Stirling Albion lose to Alloa Athletic once or twice a season, on one occasion 7 - 0.

Out Of Town[edit]

Crowd at the old Annfield, some bearing the red and white scarves of Stirling Albion.(AKA where's Waldo)

Any visitor who has sampled the usual tourist delights of the city, such as expensive scones in the castle or buying skag from a 'Haney', will soon find themselves in a cattle information centre. These centers were set up by the scottish tourist board to help cash cows find their way around the city but can be used by anyone looking for a map of the stunning Ochils.

The Ochils (or Ochil Hills if yer no fae aboot here) were founded by the Dumyat tribe in 312AD and have been very damp ever since. The 1st tourist arrived in 340AD and was an Italian centurion called 'Want Your Landius', a friendly fellow who didn't like the local traditions of dismembering foreigners much so went back down south. He then found the locals were intent on following their local traditions so had to get a gardener called Antonine to build a wall for him, but it was made of earth so didn't stand up to the weather or locals and he was forced to bring in a brickie called Hadrian. The Dumyat tribe had something to say about that wall too.

Today the locals are more friendly from Monday to Friday 08:00 - 18:00 giving tourists the oppertunity to walk, horse ride, cycle or scuba dive across sheriffmuir and much of the Ochils. Highlights include several trig points, lots of sheep, gorse bushes and bracken. There's also some dull stuff like breathtaking views down the forth valley but that's just scraping the barrel.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Stirling.


fallin is an ex swinging village in the east end of stirling. supposed ex mining village, but that was all a cover up for a "bit of the other" down in the tunnels, popular landmarks in fallin are; shaz's- a miniscule newsagents which specializes in underage tobacco sales and crap patter Golden fry- mould infested cesspit where the locals go to become debillitated.

locals are known collectively as "cunts" and they are all by birthright part of the FYC (fuck you cowie), a young team dedicated to writing crap songs about their closest neighbouring village, other than throsk, cowie. fallin has close alliances with the YRS (youth retard scrotum) and cornton (too iliterate to make a young team name), as most youngsters of fallin go to wallace high. enemies of the village are cowie, st.ninnians and most catholics except those in the fYC.

Lower Bridge of Allan or Strathallan park.......BUT NEVER The Cornton[edit]

Successful bit of Stirling constructed to commemorate Stirling becoming a City. This part of Stirling contains mainly posh people from Drumchapel – Glasgow, Sighthill – Edinburgh and similar housing developments from Engerland Bolton, Kent, Liverpool

The residence committee rules

1.Each house must have two silver cars or more then park them on the pavement driving at 50m/h round the race track or estate. 2.All BBQs or parties must end at 10:30 unless it’s in their own garden. 3.On Saturday mornings to get rid of that cheap cider hangover the grass must be cut and Sliver cars polished for next week. 4.Sundays must be spent watching kids from the window while successful wasting whole day facebooking your child’s friends father/mother round the corner. 5.All curtains must be closed and doors locked buy 19:30 after rushing like a maniac to get home from the office to sit in front of their 46” sky TV.

BOFA or Bridge of Allan[edit]

Bridge of Allan (Gaelic for I drive a 4x4 and my head is stuck up my arse so get out of my way)

The mighty Allan the council kindly built flood defence 15 years ago but just like any council initiative they didn’t fix the problem just moved it down stream 400yards. Ivory /slave Merchants and Vinegar distillers settled here 1843. One of them went to India and stole Cleopatra’s needle which is now situated on the banks of the Thames it should have been erected in Bridge of Allan but lucky for Tesco’s who have plans to open a satellite store on the area kept for the Egyptian relic. Really nice sunny days can be ruined by going to one of the several cafes here. What a terrible shame all the overpriced shops have or will soon close for cafe to take its place

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See also[edit]