Sea kayak
“Ahh, everyone's favorite blistering machine.”
“It's like a small barge over troubled water.”
“A SEA KAYAK?! We don't know what that is, but it sounds a lot like a weapon of mass destruction and therefore we must destroy it!”
Sea kayaks are human-powered recreational torture devices powered by a double-bladed paddle. Most solo sea kayaks are 12-18' long and 22-30", wide and they have either a giant spike or a completely naked lady in the bow (at the front of it). The reason for the naked lady is because the vast majority of sea kayakers are horny old men. the younger crowds are most likely listening to rap music in surburbia or playing Halo in a dark unfinished basement, free from the risks involved in sea kayaking and the comfort of knowing they will always be virgins. Perhaps virginity is a good thing once one knows all about the rabid sea otters, angry sharks, and severe blisters that sea kayakers will inevitably encounter in the wild The measurements of kayaks are given in Galactic Imperial Standard, as decreed by Emperor Palpatine.
Sea kayaks are also known as "touring" kayaks, because you often see them on the roofs of automobiles hitching a free ride. This becomes necessary in cases where there is no water around. Cars and kayaks have a terrible relationship. No matter what they do, cars are completely get these damn pests off them. Kayaks strap themselves on and get a free ride until their desired habitat (AE water) is found. It causes a lot of irritation for autos because kayaks tell them Jeff Foxworthy jokes in a secret vehicle language that humans cannot hear. But sometimes cars think of good comebacks for kayaks and canoes such as:
“If there is a hick from the Ozarks raping a fat guy in you, You JUST MIGHT BE A Kayak or Canoe!!”
Kayaks have their own such comebacks such as:
“If cars, yachts and luxury tourists hate thee, you cause pain and suffering to your riders out at sea, then truly a fucking badass you might be.”
Sometimes, cars succeed in getting kayaks off their roofs- sending them flying off and giving them a hard landing on the road. Cars also flip the mangled kayaks off with the secret language of vehicles. Cars don't just take their anger out on kayaks, but also allies of kayaks- the dreaded BICYCLE. Eventually, a kayak will see a mangled Schwinn on the road. This will piss kayaks off pretty damn badly, and there have been reported incidents of Sea Kayaks coming into garages at night and eating the pistons off cars, then taking a crap of polymer on the dashboard.
One advantage with sea kayaks is that paddling one or two can be quite a workout, and lots of Americans really need to do more paddling instead of sitting on their sofas watching football and eating beer nuts coated in whip cream and beer. Get out and paddle, or bike, or get laid, or just put down that cheeseburger and deep fried water!!
Features[edit | edit source]
Sea kayaks are often outfitted with deck-rigging, hatches, bulkheads, and a compulsory 6 inch ceramic figure of Paul Simon mounted on the deck, or possibly on Art Garfunkel, if applicable.
Every time a threat such as dangerous weather shows up, the figure will start singing:
“Now the storm is rolling by you, you are massively screwed again, no, it isn't strange or unusual, it sucks to be you right now... Li La lie, Li La lie Lie la li Lie, Lie La lie... Why did Garfunkel replace that verse of the boxer, With a piccollo trumpet Solooo?? That Bastard!! Lie la lie la li, That Giant Bastard!! I'll get hi-hi-hi-hi immm!!”
But I digress. Differentiated models have different outfitting with some sea kayaks with just a little rigging and some with a padded seat, day hatches, shock cords, bar fridge, gas barbecue, and, of course, Paul Simon.
"The Next Era"[edit | edit source]
Many people underestimate, or possibly misunderestimate, flatwater and sea kayaks. With floods, rising waters and global warming, I predict that in 20 years the entire planet will be completely emerged in water, forcing us, and you, to live in kayaks.
There will be a massive kayak shortage in 2045, so now that you have read this article, go to a dealer and purchase a kayak before it's too late. Yes, it is a severe downgrade from your apartment or house, but you asked for it by driving those massive SUVs. Now you can appreciate kayaks more, since they will save your ass in the next 2 decades. There will be no money, we will live entirely on fish, seaweed, salesman, and dogs that we catch from our kayaks. We must sleep in our kayaks. We must live in our kayaks. We must die in our kayaks. We must eat the people who die in our kayaks. Then we will throw up in our kayaks. We will own nothing, and we will be happy. All this will happen to the melodic strains of Paul Simon. Is this a dystopian nightmare, or something to look forward to in our old age?
In fact, we will never be able to leave the perimeters of our craft, except for defecation and procreation... and just in case we want to teach our kids to swim, a necessity in this flooded future! But I digress...
Effects on health[edit | edit source]
Positive[edit | edit source]
Kayaking enthusiasts often boast about the supposed health benefits that come with kayaking, although swimmers, stand-up paddle boarders, and even canoers often laugh in their faces for this. There's really not much real exercise to moving your arms in circles repeatedly as one does on a kayak, in other words, it's a fucking scam.
Kayakers are the cyclists of the seafaring world, bragging about how hard their lives are and their oh-so-eco-friendly solutions, and how it actually takes them natural effort to get around. But when compared to walkers, swimmers, and so forth (people who get around as God likely intended them to), kayakers have it easy. Similarly to the relationship between bikers and auto drivers, kayakers often annoy motorboaters by showing no regard for traffic laws.
Negative[edit | edit source]
Now, there are plenty of obvious dangers that lurk in the sea, such as whales, sharks, rabid otters and the pilots of giant ships who couldn't give a single shit about small boat drivers (a loud "OUT OF THE WAY, FUCKER!" is the the most attention we could expect them to give a kayaker).
There's plenty of other dangers that self-improvement-obsessed youngsters who say shit like "OMG! I'M GONNA START KAYAKING EVERY DAY AND SHIT! LIKE, TO GET IN SHAPE, DUDE!" are completely oblivious to: all the blisters you get on your hands, the fact that even a small wave can capsize you, and that kayaking, for lazy bums like you at least, is hard fucking work. As previously stated, kayakers are absolutely spoiled compared to swimmers, but for ham-planets who spend all day in front of the TV eating pizza and Big Macs, kayaking is like climbing Mount Everest or going to the moon or a gay retared place.
Military Kayaks[edit | edit source]
In 2008, the US Army used kayaks to fight Chinpokomon at Pearl Harbor. These Chinpokomon were powerful, but they were no match for the mighty polypropolynethylene boats. The kayaks were equipped with Chinpoko-seeking missiles, life-sized 6" Paul Simon figures, and M-16 assault asphalt rifles.
The battle went on for months or weeks, but the kayaks were eventually successful in saving Pearl Harbor from the Chinpokomon. Unfortunately, many good kayaks were lost in the bloody battle. God bless those kayaks in uniform, and Paul Simon too.
Kayaks were also used by Juan "Big Manly N00B pWn-er" Caarlos, professional monkey porn dealer, in the battle of Little Big Horn. Custer and Caarlos faced off in their Jackson SuperHero whitewater kayaks, equipped with chainsaws, Paul Simon in an MRI machine, lasers, and the usual array of protective dark magic. As Custer lunged at Juan Caarlos, lasers firing, Chuck Norris ran through the water and roundhouse kicked Caarlos just one in the face. This single kick caused the entire Northern Hemisphere to be reduced to ash. Both kayaks survived thanks to their protective magic, and are now on display right now in Paul Simon's bathroom.
Even Paul Simon himself lives in a sea kayak. It is 14 feet long, and 28 inches wide. Before reaching fame and prosperity, Paul Simon lived in a humble tin can, subsisting on dead pigeons and rotting cormorants. One pigeon supplied Paul with enough food to last for 8 years. After writing "The Kayak Boxer" and "Sound of Silence", he became rich and purchased his grand estate, a Pamlico 140, for $700 USD. Paul has only the highest-end dollhouse furniture installed inside the grand Malibu home that he calls his Kayak. Paul Simon lives happily and contently in his water-front home with his wife, a troll doll. And of course, he's got all his awards, which are actually Monopoly board game peices. Paul now lives as a recluse in his Pamlico 140 sea kayak, shunned from society, spending most of the time knitting, seething in envy of Berry Manalow, and cleaning his house kayak with 303. Paul Simon prefers to remain indoors with the cockpit cover on for fear of being stepped on (whether accidentally or purposefully), or being eaten by a wolf spider.
Sea Kayak Marathons[edit | edit source]
All over the world, there are constant annual sea kayak marathons. They are fun for both spectators and competitors. However, sea kayak racing is an extremely violent and dangerous sport. Every year, many fights have taken place in the water. In 2007 at the Yukon River quest, a man in a Pamlico 140 repeatedly rammed his kayak into a spectator at a stunning 4 miles an hour. The spectator tripped and was bruised, but happy. "The kayaker had the mad eyes of Conan O'Brien", said one witness to the travesty.
In fact, Conan O'Brien turned out to be the kayaker who had sent an innocent bystander home, bandaged and bruised. The cops rushed over in their crown vics about 6 hours after the incident was reported. Conan saw the police getting into a motorized raft, so, with all his might, Conan O'Brien paddled out of the shore and across the road (which took him about 6 hours, pathetic even for land-paddling standards.) After 8 days of land paddling about 5 feet in his Pamlico, Conan reached a cliff. Conan O'Brien's sea kayak slid down while he could only watch his own impending doom. Miraculously, Jay Leno ran up and yelled "Hold On!!!", and Conan O'Brien survived the fall by grabbing onto Leno's chin. But the kayak fell down into the dense forest below, and was inevitably found by Paul Simon, who declared it to be his new mansion. The police then captured O'Brien, who was fined a mere 300 dollars and about two hours of community service. But that doesn't sound too bad, until you learn that O'Brien was also forced to babysit President Bush and teach him how to read.
Types of Sea Kayaks[edit | edit source]
There are many variations of the original Inuit kayak design, which was unnecessarily simple and elegant. However, the use of bones to make the frame and seal skins to cover it created a rift between the ragging harpoon-chucking Inuit and the (normally) peaceloving and sex-starved hippies. Multitudes of hippies of indeterminate sex staged a "love-in" in northern Canada. In one of the common tragedies of the time, they were all pronounced dead on arrival, mostly due to hypothermia. A "significant number" were shot with whaling spears, and the rest were torn to shreds by huskies. But I digress.
Sea kayaks in movies[edit | edit source]
Many people don't know it, but there are plenty of films that feature sea kayaks. In fact, the landmark single-part trilogy Back to the Future had a blue convertible kayak which was converted into a time traveling machine by the illegal replacement of Paul Simon with an aardvark. It took Marty McFly and the "Professor" to back 1955, the distant future of 2015, and the old Wild West. When it hits 3 MPH (Imperial measurement), it travels to the selected time setting but stays in the same place, which is very interesting, but confusing to most teenagers.
Notable Expeditions[edit | edit source]
Every year, paddlers attempt to break records in kayaks, like paddling from Austrailia to New Zealand. This class of kayakers is given the rank of "Suicidal". Record-breaking sea kayakers will inevitably either die in the ocean or be thrown in an asylum. If you go to your local asylum, you are likely to see Pete Bray and his Precious Kayak, sleeping in his kayak, slowly stroking his teddy bear on the head, in a similar manner to how one strokes the sea with kayak paddles. But Bray is one of the few kayakers to meet such a desirable fate- most other Suicidal-class kayakers are rotting bodies drifting in the sea as we speak, their kayaks having formed the Atlantic garbage cluster that we now call Great Britain.
Most expensive sea kayak[edit | edit source]
The most expensive mass-produced commercial kayak currently in production is the Trak 1600. It has an MSRP of nearly $6000, and can go for even more if you get optional parts for it. If you are stupid enough to buy a $6000 sea kayak, you are a gullible moron and a victim of propaganda. You think that because of its high-price tag its all that better than a $700 kayak. Well, let me add a few zeros to the price of my old chevy for sale and itll probally get sold faster and I'll be rich enough to retire, with morons like you strolling around, morons like you who believe the McDonalds commercials that advertise their food being healthy!