Even though it seems like it should be, this article is not part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See real HowTos
So you want a road trip, eh? Well, you came to the right place. Uncyclopedia's always the right place to come to. Back on topic. There are many different types of road trip, from the general "see the sights" road trip to the specific "bragging rights" road trip. I've gone on the second one and it literally takes months of preparation. It's pretty great once it's up and driving, however. What? You think it's "up and running"! Well, there's much more driving than running involved. So you're wrong, and I'm right! Ha! Haha! Ha! Anyway, with practice you can be just like me.
Sample Road Trip Routes
The best road trip route is United States Route 66. Everyone in the contiguous United States knows that. What, you don't live in the contiguous United States? Then why are you reading the English Uncyclopedia? We originated the English language! Haven't you ever been to English, Indiana? I have. So you're not reading the right Uncyclopedia! Ha! Haha! Ha! Anyway, if you can't get to Route 66, just leave your house and start driving. Only stop for the essentials. The essentials are: breathing, food, water... and that's about it. There are others, but they're either disgusting or hard to pronounce. You should stop driving after about a week. Then all you have to do is return home. Instant road trip! "Instant" here meaning "two weeks." The best part is that the surprises never stop! You'll be saying "I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish," and "I'm sorry, I don't speak French."
History of Road Trips
We probably should have gotten to this first, but nobody cares about the history of road trips. Except me. That's why I started this section. Therefore it's not true that nobody cares. But I just said that nobody cares. Therefore I said something that wasn't true. Therefore I'm wrong. But I can't be wrong, dammit! That would violate the laws of physics! Very well, I no longer care about the history of road trips. Ha! Haha! Ha! Let's move on.
Road Trip Gear
First off, you need roads. You can't have a road trip without roads. Roads are to road trips what acid is to acid trips. Next, you need a vehicle. It can be anything from an RV to a motorhome. If you use any other type of vehicle, you will die from starvation, alone and penniless, on a backwoods dirt road in the Midwest. Why? Because I previously mentioned Indiana, which is in the Midwest. It's a type of a subliminal message. Sneaky. Actually, there's a chance of you not ending up in the Midwest. A very large chance. Anyway, if anyone, anywhere, finds your corpse, they'll inform the improper authorities. That's a pun on the phrase "proper authorities" by the way. I like puns. You should too. They make me laugh. Ha! Haha! Ha! Anyway, I haven't actually written anything about actual "gear" yet. I should probably start.
Actual, portable, road trip gear
I don't have much to say about actual, portable, road trip gear except that you should bring some with you. Here's a list of some good gear to bring with you.
- Those "essentials" that I mentioned above
- A permanent copy of this article
If you only bring one of these, make it that last one.
Othernational Road Trips
Road trips are not exclusive to the U.S., although they should be. I cringe whenever I see some Brit talking about road tripping in short, easily quotable, one-liners. Anyway, some people hate road tripping in their home countries so much that they come to the U.S. so they can do it here. They claim that the reverse also happens, but that has to be all lies. What reason could there possibly be for Americans to road trip on foreign "motorways" and "autobahns"? None, that's what.
I laugh at your silly, pitiful attempts to take over the United States, foreigners! Ha! Haha! Ha!
Yes, you in the burgundy. You say that this wasn't a really good Uncyclopedia article? You're saying it'll get deleted? You're asking why I'm repeating everything you said? You're beginning to get creeped out by my perverse demeanor? You're clicking the "Back" button on your browser? You're no longer here? Well, I'm not taking any more questions. So this is the end of the article. So I should go now. Well, I'd better say goodbye then. Goodbye.
walks away, gets hit by oncoming RV, last words are "Ha! Haha! Ha!"