Red Screen of Death
The Red Screen of Death (abbreviated RSoD, sometimes called "Red Screen of Doom") is the most deadly thing in existence. A cross between the Red Ring of Death, The One Ring and the Blue Screen of Death, it is a common form of critical stop designed especially to work with the advanced hell software included with Windows Vista. A common reaction to the RSoD is cardiac arrest. RSoDs may also be a symptom of Bonzi Buddy, the best thing to ever exist (Nobody cares if you disagree with this
The Red Screen of Death can obliterate everything. This includes Samurais, Pirates, Ninjas, Cockroaches, Chuck Norris, Ubergrues, Ninja Pirates, You, Everything and even Death himself. It's that powerful. Luckily, the RSoD will destroy itself. Otherwise it would instantly obliterate the universe.
No one has ever seen a RSoD, since the victims of it are killed before the light reaches their eyes. The light is killed as well. But this is a good thing since the sight of the RSoD can suck out the victims souls. In the case they should lack souls it will create souls just to suck them out. In some cases it will turn you into a bisexual zombie afflicted with AIDS.
What it really is
The RSoD is actually a LED screen glitch that sends out infrared light with the wavelength of gamma radiation, even though it is not. This is why it kills you without seeing it. Because it's invisible, while if you took a picture of it, the camera would be destroyed. The glitch can happen if you don't have a LED screen, as it is also known as the fire that you see in your face as you spontaneously combust. Not only that but any fridge in a 500 mile radius would spontaneously explode for no apparent reason. BUT this spontaneous fridge combustion effect is used as a power source in many other worlds, it is also known as W.E.I.R.D. Weirdly Eccentric Interstellar Roaming Dlopp. This Dlopp is Like Bill Gates but only smaller, particle size, you usually have quite a lot of Dlopp in your Bio-system. This Dlopp is more like particle size Tony Blair (than Bill Gates) - Moderately clever, very smiley and only a small bit eccentric. But when they becomes weird, eccentric, interstellar and roaming they becomes dangerous and the wavelength of the Infa-Gamma radiation reacts with the gasses of refrigerators and more importantly, You. The official formula is something like this:
How to Cause
You will need a computer stuck on the Blue Screen of Death, a Red Ring of Death, and a serious deathwish to even think about doing this in the first place. What follows is a secret ritual known only to Bill Gates, although it can also be triggered by simply smashing your broken XBox into your computer screen.
What it does
The RSoD is a form of Critical Stop for Vista's hell software. But, unlike most critical stop errors, The RSoD will shine red light beams out of the PC screen forcing every XBone within a 10000000000000-mile radius to do the same, only in the form of a ring.
As soon as the RSoD is shown it will delete everything on your computer (including those pictures of your little dog when it was a puppy). This is why Macs are a lot better.
On occasion, (nearly all of the time) The RSoD will also display text about the penis, Microsoft, Paper, Microsoft Sam, Televisions, Xboxes, RSOD, Clouds, Computers, The Penis, Noobs, Lego, Blue's Clues, CDs, Idiots, Clouds, Televisions, The Penis, Headphones, Paper, Computers, Clouds, Forks, Spoons, Noobs, The Penis, Clocks, Movies, Keyboards, Computers, Televisions, The Penis, Televisions, CDs, Clocks, Paper, Clouds, Idiots, Morons, Noobs, Lego, Microsoft Sam, and, The Penis. Mainly, the penis. Especially on national Penis Apreciattion Day. Also, Very rarely, It will display text about toasters. However, it will only display text about toasters if these conditions all match up:
- It's snowing outside.
- It's a leap year and It's Febuary's extra day.
- You are running Windows Vista Starter with Hell Software Version 22.214.171.124.126.96.36.199.188.8.131.52.184.108.40.206.220.127.116.11.1
- The temperature outside MUST be exactly -33.5 degrees Celcius.
- You MUST be living in Anchorage, AK, United States.
Then you will get text about toasters and how to suck your penis in a bin on an RSoD.
But what about those red beams of light?
The strong red light beams an RSoD sends out are extremely dangerous, as they are brighter than the sun itself, and they beam off of any objects, thus, creating a chain reaction. Xboxes are sensitive to this and will crash with a red ring when the RSoD comes up on a pc. The Red RING of death on an Xbox beams out the same deadly rays, causing another chain reaction, and thus forcing every xbox in the world to crash with a red ring of death.
The Red Screen's dangerous light beams can be deadly if they touch you, but don't worry too much, There are ways you can avoid getting killed and/or fatally injured when your PC displays an RSoD.
How to Avoid injury from an RSoD
No one knows how to avoid the deadly RSoD. It helps to get away from computers, but given there is a computer within a 50 mile radius you are still at risk. Throwing away your xbox is beneficial because the RSoD will have no red ring and be forced to revert to a BSoD. You are still vulnerable if there are other xboxes nearby.
To avoid injury from an RSoD, you must follow these simple instructions:
- Get away from the PC. Go into another room and close the door. That's the best thing to do.
- If you cannot find shelter within your home, get outside. Make sure you don't have any xboxes around though.
- If inside, get under a table or find shelter somewhere. If outside, The best place to go is your car. If anything strange happens you can just drive away.
- Once you've found shelter, wait 2-4 hours for the computer to shut itself off. Windows does this so your system won't run too long without crashing.
- You can now go back inside your home and repair any damage. Be careful though, the RSoD contains deadly neurotoxins that may have been released. If they were released, they will appear as green splotches. Clean these carefully and be sure not to get any on yourself.
- And now that's how to survive the RSoD.
WARNING: AN RSoD CAN CAUSE A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION. ONE SIGN OF THE COMPUTER EXPLODING FROM AN RSoD ATTACK IS IF IT DISPLAYS TEXT ABOUT UNCYCLOPEDIA. IF IT DOES DISPLAY THIS TYPE OF TEXT, TAKE SHELTER IMMEDIATLY. GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. NUCLEAR EXPLOSIONS CONTAIN THE DEADLY GAMMA RADIATION AND IT'S BEST TO GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE.
How to treat wounds from an RSoD.
On the off-chance, even after reading this, you could still get wounded from the deadly RSoD.
To treat burns and injuries from an RSoD, you must first follow these instructions:
- Call a paramedic for extra advice.
- Apply an anti RSoD solution to the injured area.
- Apply a damp washcloth over the injured area.
- Apply more anti RSoD solution on the washcloth.
- Continue pouring the anti RSoD crap until the washcloth turns a bright green.
- Take away the washcloth and allow 4-6 weeks for the wounds to heal.
- Get a new PC.
How to avoid it
Actually there are many ways of avoiding the deadly RSoD. One way is to fuck yourself, send a video of yourself NAKED to YouTube, Microsoft, and Facebook, and eat Stilton cheese for the rest of your life. Another is to avoid Windows Vista. Vista is the only Windows version that includes a Red Screen of Death. If you have Vista, then you are advised to follow the precautions below:
- Don't leave your PC on too long. Windows automatically shuts off the PC after 2-4 hours so it won't run too long without crashing. This automatic shutoff can cause an RSoD on the next bootup. Don't put CDs into your computer. They can activate the CD drive. Once it's activated it can send a signal to Vista's hell software. The command will reboot the system if Hell Software is installed (and it will be). The reboot can cause a deadly RSoD.
- Avoid clicking the icon that says: "HELL". This will start hell software, thus creating two instances of the program running at the same time. This will almost surely cause the PC to crash with a BSOD, causing a system reboot. The PC will then display an RSoD.
One of the best ways to be fully protected from an RSoD is to hack into the system and disable hell software. This will not stop the RSoD from ever appearing, but it will stop all of Vista's shit that causes an RSoD. Here's a list of Hell Software torture that would be disabled:
- Microsoft Manager, a robo-admin that can do anything at all.
- Windows Memory Functions, an extension to hell software that causes a memory failure every so often,
- Automatic Shutoff, a little "feature" that makes the system shutoff every 2-4 hours.
- Windows Genuine Disadvantage, a utility that prevents non-MS products from functioning on your system.
- BSOD extensions, a pack of extensions that make the BSOD cause an RSOD on reboot.
- System Terminal Information Systems, It will crash your Hard Drive.
- Piss Agent, Causes random crashes freezes and errors at random times.
- Microsoft Book, it will keep a record of everything you do to cause more frequent crashes.
- Microsoft Mail, a rouge E-Mail program that really does the same thing as MS Book.
- Microsoft Bug Termination, Creates random bugs in your software but pretends to terminate them.
All of that will be disabled if you disable hell software; however, Hell Software is extremely hard to disable and you might accidentally disable something else.
Disabling Hell Software
To disable hell software and all its shit, you must first open the system directory. In earlier versions of Windows, the system directory was simply C:\WINDOWS\system32\. But no, in Windows Vista, the system directory is a hard to find hidden system folder filled with system shit including hell software.
First you have to locate the system directory. The partial system directory is the original C:\WINDOWS\system32\. But all it contains are optional components and secondary device drivers. The new system directory is where all of the really important crap is.
To locate the system folder, you must show hidden files and folders. However, please note that Vista's partial search engine will not find anything not within the C:\Users\ directory. Anyway, open Windows Explorer and navigate to the directory:
And delete Hell software's Piss agent.
Now navigate to the directory:
And delete Hell Software's Windows Genuine Disadvantage.
Now navigate to the directory:
And delete Hell Software's Microsoft Manager.
Now navigate to the directory:
And delete Hell Software's Microsoft Memory Functions.
Now navigate to the directory:
blah blah blah blah. Just delete everything in the dicks_cache folder!!!
Anyway, you can delete the components one at a time, or you can just delete Hell Software altogether!!
Well, once you've disabled Hell Software, your chances of getting an RSoD have been reduced.
Wasn't that fun?!
You probably got an error message promting that hell.exe and some of its components where ont deleted. Next, you must purchase the program ANTIHELL.EXE. It will open so you can edit hell.exe's text code. It was written in C+++++++++. So you must know all the C codes!!
Remove the lines of source code at the bottom. It says: include: msman include: winterm include: bsodext include: msbook include: automaticpower include: MSdisadvantage include: pissagent include: msemail include: systerm include: MSmemfunctions hell.exe_NODEL_ IF_DEL_THEN THROWERROR: _icon=|=hammer.png_title=|=Deletion Error_text=|=You cannot delete this file and some of its components._=|=winerr-code 77890 "+" reg_cd code 77890 MS_err# valid=77890
After that you might think it's as simple as pressing save and rebooting! But, NO!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!! You must click the button labeled: "save this program but shit on all the others." Now click compcrap, click textsave, click nowshit, click fullsave, and finally click on scabertshuload.
Now everything can be deleted. You are now 92% safe from ever getting an RSoD. There is no possible way to be 100% safe, but 92% is good enough, isn't it?
Benefits for mankind
Although this is still under tests on the S.O.D.A. (Screen Of Death Agency), the RSoD can be useful for humanity since, as it destroys preety much everything, one could, theoretically, throw all those people who just live to annoy everybody else, including You, inside a closed room isolated with some metal extracted from pluto (where the RSoD loses its power due to cold temperature), where it would also be a RSoD infected computer, thus ridding mankind of all those annoying people who nobody wants around.