Bonzi Buddy

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This fucker knows when you're watching loli porn. Just like Santa.

“It helped me from committing suicide because it made me feel like I had a friend.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bonzi Buddy

“It's a purple gorilla, and it helps you with stuff.”

~ Captain Obvious on 'that purple gorilla'

“It didn't respect my authoritah!”

~ Eric Theodore Cartman on Bonzi Buddy

Bonzi Buddy is a FBI/Mark Zuckerberg electronically-engineered collaboration designed not only to spy on you through your webcam whenever you jerk off, but to also steal information because Zuckerberg is gay for that stuff. The program was made for Windows XD. The project was made by Zuckerberg and FBI Director Robert Mueller, who would later be dubbed "The original Bonzi Brothers".

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bonzi Buddy.

Zuckerberg's idea[edit]

Sometime in 2006, 4 years after XP had been released, Zuckerberg walked into the FBI headquarters asking the douche-bag Robert Mueller to secretly conspire with him on a MLG Minecraft survival lets play a project to steal people's information because Zuckerberg was sick of the daily hackings from the USSR and wanted all of the user info for himself. He said he wanted something harmless that required people to enter their most sensitive personal data so he could use their credit cards on 400 shirts and jeans.

Bonzi's life[edit]


Bonzi Buddy's first time opening his eyes was at the FBI Secret Lab, in Menlo Park, New Jersey. He was soon booted into a floppy disk, that contained Bonzi Buddy's software. Unfortunately, since the lab's PC's all had Intel i486 processors, they spent four days and 17 hours waiting for the 3mb zip file to transfer. Once acquiring the link, The Bonzi Bros released their software, but immediately they were hit with criticism. Companies like IGN, Rotten Tomatoes, the Obama Administration, and Costco were giving out their fair share of harassment. CNET complained it seemed too virus like; why would a simple gorilla that shit out vines and swung across your screen need your social security number? Many others like Pyrocynical and FOX said it was a fucking harmless gorilla, and that we should give it all of our praise.


Studies done at Harvard showed that a male looking at loli and anime porn got more attention from Bonzi than a male looking at school work. Sometimes, a person could hear Bonzi moaning and making sex noises in the background of your PC, but when you closed your window, he would be hiding behind that game of Minesweeper you never finished, doing it to the porn. Should'a surfed incognito.

Bonzi made a feature appearance in the Sonic Boom episode "Expand Dong"


Bonzi Buddy escaped the labs in late 2015, where he had been concealed for ten years. Zuckerberg was shocked to see his only success had escaped, but considered it a non-threat; he said in a press conference that "Bonzi always tried to block my style. But its a stupid gorilla, what harm could it do?"

2020 US Presidential Campaign[edit]

In 2020, Bonzi ran for president against Donald Trump as the Democratic nominee. The well-endowed gorilla of grapish-hue had a very hard time in his presidential campaign, because every woman on earth was sexually harassing him. He fought his way through all of the burdens, and made his way to the final top 2, his final opponent being the incumbent Trump. Bonzi won by a small fraction of one vote, making Bonzi the next president of the US.

Cabinet Members[edit]

  • Petey the Parrot (secretary of Defense)
  • Clippit (secretary of Education)
  • Rover the dog (secretary of Homeland Security)
  • Joe Swanson's wife (secretary)

War on Clippissippi[edit]

On May 29, 2021, Bonzi declared war on Clippissippi, after their Supreme Leader, Jake Paul, recorded a lit dabbed on vlog in the official presidents house. The war is still raging on to this day.