AIDS Popsicles
Just when you thought AIDS was going out of fashion an ingenious marketing fad is launched by VIRAL TREATS LIMITED!
What are they?
They are fruit flavoured ice snacks utterly swimming with AIDS.
How do they get the AIDS in the popsicle?
It's magic. No...just kidding. They reengineered the virus to survive contact with the air and the hot and acidic environment of your stomach. When you lick an AIDS popsicle the virus will trickle down your oesophagus and enter your digestive system where it will be absorbed by the intestinal walls eventually entering your bloodstream. From there it is only a matter of time until you can have your viral load tested every month!
Why make AIDS popsicles?
For too long the gay community's been having all the fun. It's time to branch out and let a whole new generation enjoy the thrill of having an STD attacking their white blood cells.
Who should try AIDS popsicles?
People who already have health issues and compromised immune systems should be the first to try them out.
Which celebrities are endorsing AIDS popsicles?
We are trying to locate Freddie Mercury because we think HE would make utterly fabulous spokesman for AIDS popsicles. Once we get him signed up we're sure he'll help spread the word!
Should the elderly try it?
Of course they should. They are the demographic with the smallest participation in unsafe sex and needle sharing. For too long they have been ignored and deserve a convenient way to get AIDS
What about babies?
They aren't able to hold popsicles in their hands so you might have to melt down the popsicle and add it to their baby formula or some other clever method of delivery
How much do AIDS popsicles cost?
It depends on where you live. They go for only $4.99 per Popsicle in America however we do sell them in bulk where considerable discounts can be had. Places which buy them in crates of 1000 or more such as high school cafeterias or hospitals enjoy the bargain price of $2.99 per Popsicle. Not only can you save money but you can spread the fun of AIDS popsicles to more people!
What flavours do you offer
A shit ton of fun and colourful fruity varieties will make licking AIDS popsicles irresistible.
Could you be more specific?
Of course we can silly. There is "funky-fruit pneumonia", "bumbleberry lesions" and "watermelon stigma".
Why is it again I want AIDS?
It's all the rage. So many cool people have had it including Liberace. Who wouldn't want to emulate the most fabulous piano playing gaylord ever? You could get AIDS and become as good a basketball player as Magic Johnson! Or you could have an acting career meltdown like Charlie Sheen.
But apart from that are there any other good reasons to get AIDS?
Well you will lose a ton of weight!
Could I order one enormous AIDS popsicle for a fancy party I'm having?
You bet your sweet ass you can. During the holidays we sell a frozen AIDS popsicle in the shape of a Christmas tree which can be communally licked by your guests throughout the night. We will personally deliver it and install an anti-AIDS popsicle-melting device which will ensure you have all night to lick the shit out of it. It was engineered by the brightest minds at San Francisco University (a learned centre of education based in the city of the first AIDS epidemic)!
What if I don't want to get AIDS?
All the cool kids are doing it. Don't you want to be cool like Rock Hudson?
Look...I really don't think it's a good idea getting AIDS!
Our popsicles aren't for everyone. Have you considered our Goey Ghonneria Gourmet Gateau?
How do you stay in business if your clients keep dying?
Well for some indiscernible reason AIDS patients these days in Europe and North America are seeking treatment and living a long life. They prefer taking heaping handfuls of pills every day over the fun of slow and painful emaciation. For our more dependable customers in places like Botswana who cannot afford thousands of dollars of treatment, well they still live long enough to enjoy many more popsicles.
But eventually interest in your product will run out...no?
We doubt that's likely but in any case we are constantly reinventing ourselves. Remember...we came out with the "Ebola Coconut Chocolate Bar". Our company stretches back to the pioneering days of edible virus fun. You may never have heard of the "Plague pudding" but it was our first and most popular seller ever and that was two centuries ago!
What's the future of AIDS popsicles?
We are trying out new flavours all the time and we will soon be branching out into more frozen products. Our COVID Cookie Crunch ice-cream will be in stores soon! We will ensure that everyone can enjoy getting COVID in a pint sized ice-cream bucket even after herd immunity is achieved per the upcoming vaccine. In fact we threw anti-vaccine in it because we care about our customers.
How do you people sleep at night?
At first I stuffed my pillow cases with all the cash I made but it is not as comfortable as you think. Playing relaxing ocean music certainly helps get back to sleep after waking up from constant panic attacks.
If you could sum up your product in only 10 words or less how would you do it?
Welcome to the wonderful world of full blown AIDS!
