Plies (rapper)
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“ Plies? awesome. Superfluous. Inordinate. Unoriginal. Hackneyed. Clichéd. Corny. Songs? Passe'. Repurposed. Shallow. Done to death.... best use for physical CD? Break in half. ”
“ Daayyyyyyyy-Uuuummmm! I wish dat swong Soft Ass was abat me! ”
“ I SO FUCKIN REAL IT AINT FUNNY! I DAH REALIST OF DA FUCKING REAL! U AINT EVEN SITIN THER NIGGA! U AINT REAL! U DONE EXIS BITCH! SHUT THE FUCK UP FUCK ALL YALL FUCKIN NIGGA ASS MOTHAFUCKAS! TAKE OFF DAT THOWNG YUH C*NT CUZ I REAL”
“ What is this guy saying? It sounds like he is making similar noises to that of an infant newborn trying to learn to speak. I just don't get it! ”
Algernod Lanier Washington (born July 1, 1976), better known by his stage name Plies, is an American classical music composer. He is considered by some to be the Beethoven of the 21st century. His musical ballads are heavily influenced by Mozart and Beethoven and tend to emulate 16th century music of primarily Germanic origins.
Early years[edit | edit source]
I'm sure you know this, but if you turn the dictionary to the word "real" you will see Plies there. He is the definition of real. There is nothing realer than him in the world. He is so real he makes real things look fake and makes fake things look real. He is 100% real nigga and you will never be as real as he is so deal with it. Your jealous, shut the fuck up, get the fuck away! I can't hear you! Are you talkin to me? Cuz I don't hear shit!
With that said, let's move on
Algernod had a difficult life growing up in Fort Myers, Florida, an area ravaged by crime and violence. There are many shootings in this region, mostly caused by NRA members suffering from dementia. These goons live in the retirement home next to Washington’s beachside manor. He attended Miami University and transferred to University of Central Florida. However, college wasn’t pimpin enough for him so he dropped out in his sophomore year and disappointed his parents who paid the tuition.
In 2007, "Plies" as he then called himself entered the recording studio as a new rap artist. Few people know this, but Plies began his music career as a rapper. This was his only other option besides living on the streets. Actually, living on the streets was unfathomable for this wealthy man. He would have been living with his parents. He recorded with “Slip n Slide records.” Yes, Slip n Slide records. The names of all four albums he recorded have something to do with how “real” he is, probably due to his tough childhood and real life experience which shaped who he is today.
You know, in Florida.
He never gained enough fame to have a memorable rap career however. A brain hemorrhage would later lead to his newfound classical music career, which he is best known for.
Rapping Career[edit | edit source]
Like few other musicians, Plies (who use to go by Piles) began his career with a message he planned to spread and an objective to change the world. This is unlike most musicians who write music just for money or fame. Plies is a man who puts great pride in his lyrics, considering it first and foremost over beat and vocals. It is clear that Plies has accomplished the goals he laid out. People thought there was no WAY he could degrade the already decaying rap industry. People thought he was CRAZY when he vowed to make American culture even worse. Those people, were wrong.
This Florida born gangsta writes a wide variety of lyrics that include:
Here’s a sample of his lyrical genius in the song [expletive]
“Bet if I [expletive] it would [expletive]. Put my [expletive] that would [expletive]. Run my [expletive] that would [expletive]…..[expletive]”
There is also a wide variety of musical range in his songs. He even writes love songs from the heart. These touching love songs include lyrics about the following topics:
Plies has gone by many aliases to get away from the cops. This is due to his tendency to play shuffleboard with retirees without permission from the nursing home staff. The name “Plies” is one of these aliases. However, he is not good at creating these names. He once went by “100% Real Nigga” and “Da Realist” but they had no credibility. Nursing home resident, and close friend of Plies, Gladdis Montgomery told interviewers that these names are not an accurate description. She told interviewers, “Eh! Plies is a splendid young man and experienced shuffleboardist, but my horny grandson writes that type of material. He works for that World of Warriors game or something. Huh? Who are you? Where am I?”
“ I SO FUCKIN REAL YUH C*NT ASS PEES A SHIT!”
Concerts[edit | edit source]
If you plan on going to a Plies concert, be sure to bring a bullet proof vest and a face protector. He really puts on a show. In a Gainseville concert in July, 2006, Plies performed for several hours straight. The concert was coming to a close without any problems for him. However, there was still another rapper who needed to perform. Plies, not giving a fuck, continued his gig until his mic was cut at 1:45.
This infuriated Plies. Fifteen minutes before closing, Plies ordered his posse to open fire on a packed crowd of 1,000 people who came to see him. [1] There were no fatalities, but a few of the Algernod's fans were injured. Plies was arrested with his entourage, but he received a slap-on-the-wrist weapon possession charge. The electric chair would have been more sufficient.
In other concerts, he has been known to show up drunk, 10 minutes before closing and slur out some drivel before passing out. This is at least a step up from the time he ran away from a fight with Miami rapper, Trick Daddy in concert and got his ass kicked. Its clear that all he cares about are the fans. The fans he curses at and drunkenly slurs his songs to before making attempts at their lives.
These incidents were some of the rapper's only major offenses, as he was never affiliated with a gang. He considers his entourage to be a gang. This puts him behind fellow gangstas like Paris Hilton and Bill Gates.
Appearance[edit | edit source]
“ Fuck you stupid IP! C*nt!”
For obvious reasons, the only black people Plies knows other are his parents and people paid to stand by him. He lives in an area filled with khaki shorts and colored shirts, so you would assume he would dress respectfully. However, Plies sports a crooked cap, bling bling and a red shirt that was stolen from a man who couldn’t fit through his front door. His choice of red clothing may lead to a join drive by operation by the Bloods and Crips. Plies is a true peacemaker.
Aside from his clothing, his physical appearance has some distinct attributes. Plies was born with a facial deformity causing his nose to slowly take over his entire face. However, Plies found that the progress of this disorder was not fast enough. He wanted to prove a point that girls are attracted to ugly guys as long as they fit into one or more of the following categories.
He wanted facial deconstruction surgery, but going to the hospital would require some form of effort. He decided to pay the electrician who screws in his lightbulbs to smash his face with a bat. The operation was a success. His nose was pushed in so far that it became a dent in his face. Also, his mouth was twisted and misshapen. Girls loved his new look, stating “I wanna fuck this nigga!!”
Brain Hemorrhage[edit | edit source]
After his electrician gave him surgery, the rapper began to experience headaches. He continued recording, regardless of this change. However, at one point he reached an epiphany while listening to his music. He had the rapping ability of a goat with Downs Syndrome. Plies ended his career as a rapper immediately and explored other forms of music. He kidnapped singer Chris Martin and snapped his neck. He then took over as lead singer of the popular pop rock band, Coldplay. No one noticed the difference. He recorded a great amount of successful material, such as Viva La Vida and was surprised by his success. However, rock was not his true calling in life.
Recent Year[edit | edit source]
On January of 2009, Plies announced that he was leaving Coldplay. This disappointed many fans, including the ghost of Chris Martin. Plies kept his activities secret during the following months. On June of 2009, he released a shocking album. Tears came to the eyes of many musical scholars after hearing “A Eulogy to Catherine of Aragon.” The album seemed to accommodate the music styles of all the greatest from the 15th through 17th century.
In an interview, Plies explained his reasons for picking this time period to base his work off of. “Throughout the history of this world we inhabit, none have been more innovative or inspiring than the great composers of 16th century Europe. As Galileo looked up to the moons and stars, composers looked down into the depths of their hearts.” He went on to explain, “Modern musicians seem to fancy the classics, as do I. However, The Rolling Stones are but a drop of water in the ocean Beethoven created.”
Soon after, his mind reverted to its prior state. He currently lives in a mental rehabilitation institution and is on suicide watch for attempting to, “Beat dat shit tunes out mah head!” with a brick.
Theories[edit | edit source]
There are many theories surrounding the temporary state of Plies’s brain. Leader of the research team heading the investigation, Professor William Nye, claims, “Brain scans indicate large, irregular gaps between parts of his brain. These pieces must have joined together after the head trauma.” He also hypothesized that Plies may choose to recreationally smoke s new drug called "Marie Johanna".
Others look to more spiritual answers. According to a musical scholar, and part time ghost whisperer, “It is clear that the spirits of dead composers are growing restless over the current state of music. They must have temporarily possessed this young rapper to make a point about the music industry.” This scholar wants his identity to be hidden due to knowledge that ghosts afford the best lawyers.
However, a poll released on the subject shows that 77% of voters said, “Who the hell is Plies?” And 17% said the album was just Plies coming out of the closet and then denying it later. While the causes of this phenomenon are unknown, one thing is sure. This rapper has inspired the growth of classical music and will go down alongside Mozart and Bach in history.
Awards[edit | edit source]
- “A Eulogy to Catherine of Aragon” was awarded “best classical album of the decade”
- The “Most Hypocritical title” award was given to him for “Da Realist.”
- National Shuffleboarding champion
- Seven Nobel Peace prizes
- The "Most Loyal Fanbase Award" for having fans who agree with his decision to shoot at his own fans
- The “Boogieman Award” for being so deep in the closet he found where the monsters are coming out of
- Ten awards in a row for being the best "fish frying chef of New Orleans"
- Awarded "best trick" at a magic show for pulling a Rolex out of his ass.
- Given title of "World's Dumbest Nigga" after reportedly eating his own shoelaces mistakenly thinking they were blunts.
“ DIS SHIT BE REAL AS FUCKIN FUCK MANE. Y'ALL READY NO WAT IDIS! I BUST DAT CAP IN DA NIGGA WHILE I SIP LEAN AND BLOW PURP.”
Real vs Fake[edit | edit source]
In order to truly respect Plies, you need to differenciate between lyrics that depict reality and those of poser fags. Here are some examples:
“Daddy where did you go when I was five? My new born sister left crying in her crib.”
“Killas to the left of me killas to the right. Ima muthafuckin killa too.”
“Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for? Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for? When they know they're your heart. And you know you were their armour”
“Baby please excuse my hands. They have a one track mind to squeeze on your behind. Baby just excuse my hands. Please excuse my hands.”