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“I've wasted my life!”

~ Plato, the inventor of Philology on his deathbed

Often called the bastard stepson of Philosophy, Philology is an immoral and perverse desire to study the demonic utters of the non-English. The absurd and utterly un-Christian people that choose to devote their lives to this study often do so due to previous trauma, be it emotional or blunt-force. Thus, dazed and confused, these hapless people fall prey to the many 2 careers that a degree in Philology offers. They are, by their own warped sense of logic, led to believe that a Philologist is able to lead a richer and more fulfilling life than, say, a Banker or Insurance Agent, when, as any sensible person realizes, all three of these careers offer nothing but a lifetime of hardships and self-loathing. Sadly, most philologists fail to realize this before it is too late.

Invention[edit | edit source]

The inventor of Famine Philology

The Greek Philosopher, Disney icon, and possible celestial body Plato is often credited with the invention of this horrible scourge. Although many believe that Plato was the first Philosopher to acquire a love of language, this is not the case. Plato accidentally invented the term "Philology" after a particularly long binge-drinking session. After a peer discovered the egregious typo in his manuscripts the next morning, Plato invented the now-universally accepted definition of Philology in a successful attempt to cover his ass. The term is the combination of two Greek words: "Philos", meaning "love", and "Logos", meaning "stackable bricks". The invention was received with tepid applause from the rest of the Philosophical world, but, strangely, Philology began to grow in popularity. It is often speculated that the growing popularity of Philology was the key reason that Greece was eventually overtaken by the Roman Empire. The Romans, of course, were well aware of the nonsensical nature of Philology, and were more content with the saner hobby of strapping people to two-by-fours and slowly suffocating them. Yet somehow, even past the end of Greece, Philology lived on.

The Rebirth[edit | edit source]

The concept of Philology remained largely unknown until the seventeenth century, when a young upstart prick known as Martin Luther began translating texts from Olde Buggerish to Engrish to help Tasmanian independence. Thanks to Martin's so-called "heroic" actions, he unlocked a gateway back into the hellish nightmare that is the study of languages, and exposed a new generation to the horrors of the foreign tongue. To his credit, Luther himself tried to stop the spread of Philology in his later years, but was overpowered in his attempts by the vile and immoral Humanists, who wished to use the homosexual anecdotes contained in the ancient Greek manuscripts as recital material during their many orgies. Thus, Philology was passed down through the heathens, to forever plague mankind once more.

The Rosetta Stone[edit | edit source]

Rosetta Stone, the both-famous-and-infamous tabloid journalist, has become an international martyr for Philologists everywhere. Much like Jesus Christ to every good, adequate, or half-assed Christian, they see Rosetta as a role model; the pinnacle of human existence. Most Philologists carry small Stone Column replicas in their pockets, and often mutter a prayer to her daily, comprised of words in over one-hundred and fifty three languages. This prayer is simply one long sentence, and, roughly translated, it reads:

"This is where the octopus shat on the goat. Please take hat from underneath giant marshmallow tortoise. The sun will surely be green. Praise Allah."

Present Day Use[edit | edit source]

Philology is used presently for absolutely nothing. Then again, it has never been used for anything remotely worth mentioning, and it cannot be said the World feels any impact due to its current absence.

Did You Know...?[edit | edit source]

  • If you rearrange the letters in "Philology", add a few, and then take a few, you get "Lucifer".
  • Nietzche used Philology as proof that God is dead.
  • Philology sells drugs to your kids.

See Also[edit | edit source]