Peru
 |
Our horrible english accounts for all the chela we drink.
Anyway if you prefer it in spanish go here |
Republic of Perú Republic of Lima and Other Unknown Territories Perú | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| |||||
| Motto: "¡Ay cómo era grande!" | |||||
| Anthem: Pollada´s sorrow, El especial del Humor opening song, El pio pio | |||||
 | |||||
| Capital & Largest City | Lima | ||||
| Official language(s) | Quechua, Spanish, Spanglish, Ah Yungayish, Aymara, Conchatumarish and other weird languages | ||||
| Government | Inca, Patriarcal | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Laura Bozzo, Seleccion de Futbol, Ceviche | ||||
| Currency | The Luca (AKA Lucrecia or Solano) | ||||
| Religion | Adoration of the Sun, surf, football and Alan García | ||||
| Area | Lima + Your House + Unknown territories | ||||
“Whoa, I can get 12 DVDs for a luca!”
“Whats a Luca?!”
“Oe, si pes, es que manyas, que puta si pes, manyas?. Y puta, esa webada salio y, chucha, si ps.”
“Undoubtedly”
“Ay como era grande!”
“Hey! I make the spanish quotations here!”
“Que paaaaaaaaaase el amaaaaaaanteeeee!!!!”
“Greatest investment ever.”
“¡Chileno conchetumadre!”
“El Perú es un mendigo sentado sobre un banco de oro.”
“Tu tranquilo nomas que la vida es una.”
The Republic of Lima and Other Unknown Territories - which occasionally goes by the name of Peru - is the only country that has proudly made its stand against Imperialism by preferring their own national fizzy drink Inca Kola over that uber-evil, teeth-corroding, hellsent carbonated beverage known as Coca-Cola (ironically enough, most peruvians aren't aware their favorite soda was sold to the Coca-Cola Company on 1999. Gladly, it was recovered later from their evil grasp).
Peru is located in a jolly neighborhood where no battles have ever occured. For real. The five countries bordering Peru are: Brasil, Colombia, Ecuador and the magical twin-brothers: Chile and Bolivia.
Toponym
The name Peru was actually given by the Chibchas of Guajira Peninsula in Colombia. When the Forces of Mordor asked the Chibchas about where they could find gold and silver, the Chibchas, very wisely said that there wasn't any in Colombia but there was a lot of it several miles southwards in a place called Piru which was by the river called Viru. The Chibchas didn't know about any Piru or Viru, they just made that nonsense up, all they wanted was to get the greedy Forces of Mordor out of their backs.
Years later the city of Piru was identified to Macchu Picchu, the River Viru as associated to the Ucayali, and the whole Incan Empire was recognized to be this one land of Peru that the Forces of Mordor seeked so desperately for.
History
In the Beginning
In the beginning, fire was discovered by Matchsticci Viracocha ("Fósforo" Viracocha in the ancient Peruvian language) after whom the Sun was named.
Racist bigots have always believed that Macchu Picchu was built by aliens because they don't think Native-Americans could ever built such a monumental, luxuous city. This is how all these silly theories on the Incas being descendants from aliens from outter space began.
The Incas started their (kinda short-lived) rule in a territory filled with anything one could have wished for: gold, silver, bronze, adamantinium, platinium, steel, lots and lots of molibdenium and other metals discovered or uknown until today, to some seriously weird animals (again, they mistaked Pikachus and named them Vizcachas). From this wealthy condition the successors of Pacha Cuty Pie (Tupac One Inca, Tupac Too Inca and Juaña Capac) gradually took all over Peru and expanded their rule from Southwest Colombia to Central Chile and from the Pacific Ocean to the borders of the Great Chaco - until something evil arrived.
Conquest
When Huayna Capac was writing his Will, he noticed the Inca Empire was too much large and wealthy so he decided to be generous to his two sons Atahualpa and Huáscar and had the Empire split in two: the Northern half, with its capital in Quito, was left for Atahualpa, and the Southern half, with its capital in Macchu-Picchu, was left for Huáscar. However, sooner after Huayna Capac's death, Atahualpa let show what such a greedy man he was and killed his own brother and his nephews so he could take that all for him alone.
The High-Priest of Viracocha announced the coming destruction of the Inca Empire because, when Atahualpa murdered his own bethren, he made fall a terrible curse on the Incas and Peru.
The curse made through reality when, just few years later, the forces of Mordor, which arrived from a far land to steal everything, rape, murder and enslave people, bring Perú the impure Catholic religion, etc
Independency
After a lot of wars, Orcs from spain where finally defeated by Toledo Skywalker, then he just run off to Europe, leaving Peruvians alone without knowing the word Democracy, to rule them all by themselves.
Pisco War
War in which two brother countries fight just for the tips that dad left them. Chile won that war only because Bolivia (Peru's initial ally) went crying to its mom. Also called The Pacific War because the war actually was a tetris match. Peru was armed with a little boat, which defeated most of the cabros (chileans). Peru's downfall came when the bloddy Chileans defeated the little boat, decided to keep it and never returned it to peruvian soil (since they didn't have anything else to be proud of). This war trophy can still be view in Peruvian... sorry, the now chilean soil. and is said to emit a sort of chant that goes, "¡Porompompom! ¡Porompompom! ¡El que no salta es un chileno Maricon! ¡Porompompom! ¡Porompompom!". The most remebered hero of this war was Flavio Maestri.
Recent Years
Actually Peru has the funniest government on the earth. The only country in which you can win an election by flashing your butt with a number 13 painted on it (it does not need to be particularly beautiful, it just needs to be big and you must flash it... it works ask Suzy). It is well known that Peruvian presidents have managed not only manipulate the constitution but have also taken it for a night out, given it a ruphie and then raped it. If you want to get rich fast and have several bank accounts in Switzerland all you have to do is become president (ask Vladi, for a quick start, how to manual). The lastest peruvian presidents have been:
a)Alberto Fujimori (self-called "the último samurai") who became famous with his slogan "YUCA PA TI" (cavassa for you) which he stuck in many peruvians' asses... After his 10 year reign (government) in the first years of which he achieved to make his own coup d'etat he fled to the land of sushi where he could not be extradicted. He is also know for having a half-deamon half-something else intelligence advisor (See Vladi)
b)Toledo Skywalker XXVII de Karp (self proclaimed last surviving Inca of the empire and first Peruvian indigenous president). Famously known for having children outside his marriage,marrying a Belgium red-headed transexual (Eliane Karp), making his shamman (witch doctor) embassador of Nicaragua and placing his numerous family in strategic positions (like 69).
c)Alan García (current president) [doesn’t know that 2+2 is 4].Also known as Pinocchio, better known as the peruvian president around the 80s who statizied everything, made Peru one of the countries with the most inflation (19868439563487694386.8979%) by priting more money, fled to live in Paris and came back to say sorry... and peruvians voted for him again.
d)Alejandro Melian (El chaski) Is the unknown president.. He is left unknown and no one knows were he is... it is said he is somewere driking some chelitas with Ale, Mafi,Mafer, La Geisha, Majluf, and Rodrigo somewere... He walks barefoot everywere and likes carrying ppl before eating them up. El chaski as he is known likes runnig on rocks and enjoys doing rock surfing (a sport made by him and his mental friedns) it is made up of him barefoot taking hold of the back of the cuartimoto (fourwheeled motor bike) and using it to surf over the stones (like water skiing only on stones) He doesnt feel anything cause he has a layer of dead skin under his feet called callos... Right now hes somewere doing something.
Geography
Lots of big, long, thick, bushy trees in the forest and very deep craters in the mountains
"Poblation"
Lima
Lima was founded by the first colonial governor of Peru, Francisco Pizzaro, who was too much lazy to climb the mountains up to Macchu-Picchu (the former capital), so he prefered to govern Peru from the coast. Lima is the city of wonderland, there is all you can find, polladas [meaning of popular hood parties], very good and cheap cocaine and strikes for anything. The mayor is Abimael Gusman [before he was in a peace group.]. Lima has a population of 30 millions (5/4 of the population of Peru.)
Limeñitos sin roche
They live in the most expensive areas of Lima, next to a mountain with green pastures. In spite of this, they are very kind to all the poor people (as long as they don't stink). You can recognize a "limeñito" because they proudly sniff through a "perfect nose" (as in surgically modified) and their favorite word is "nice" or "piojaaa". They usually spend their summer in Eisha (asia) with all the "nice" people of Lima there are lots of nice girls and nice boys there and if you are a "choolooon" theres NO WAY you can be friends with them.
Cobradores
People who collect the "fee" while riding on a bus. This fun ride can be to work, school or anywhere. They are are very polite, charming and well manered. They even have their own "cutsie" dialect, which you get to learn while you enjoy this unforgettable experience. Some examples would be, "¿habla vas?"; "¡al fondo hay sitio!"; "pie derecho"; "apéguése"; "hay asiento, hay asiento"; "baja, baja"; "dale, dale"; "pisa pisaaa!"; "subeeee"; "ya entrate ya"; "el medio esta luca, pe choche"; "chama chamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"; "angaaamoo, angaaamoo", "avanza pa tras", "golpe avisa", "retrocede pa delante" and "avenida ssssssszzaaaalaveeeeeerrrrriiiii".
Others unknown territories
People live in log cabins or straw houses. Their diet consists mainly of corn, llama cheese, potatoes, cheetos and cuy (guinea pig) in unimaginable styles (deep fried, sauteed, roasted,etc). There are the people who basically work very hard so Lima can eat.
Arequipa
Also called "the White City" for all the bird poop that is accumulated on the main plaza and most of the churches. It's located on the South West of the country. They love themselves more than anything else and have a strong pride and love spicy food.
Chiclayo
This city is full of friendly people who live in pyramids made of clay and straw. This "recyclable" houses have to be rebuilt every time El Niño becomes naughty.
Highlands
Is what white people call "the mountains". Their inhabitants have a weird accent, speak in a weird language, and smell funky too. A lots of llamas and alpacas get confused with the natives just as lots of dogs get confused with the white people.
Cuzco
Un lugar dnd se va a hacer cosas... arto interesante no creen? a verdad, en inglés.. Yea this is were people go and you knowowww they well FROLICK AROUND and then go and see stuff... and theennnnnnnnn tehnnnnn Well THey go somewere and then PAFF se MADE CHOCAPIC!
Jungle
Also known as the enigmatic "La Selva". Their natives have an awful accent due to the consumption of monkey, turtle, alligator and other yummy stuff.
Cajamarca
La Cajamarca, also called Geisha land where little Sofias run and dance all over the fields chasing BoBs an animal one of a kind that are commonly "wenasooooos" but very very "atorrantes" ("ohh i'm the most perfect person in the world!" they say). Cajamarca is where peruvians invented the cajas.
Outside
You always find a Peruvian everywhere; they live in colonies populating territories. The most important colony its the Spanish peruvian colony.
Common Peruvian Phrases
"arriba, al centro, a la mierda" --- (Before drinking)
"De ley" --- for sure
"habla" --- hello, what's up?
"broder,bree,broer" --- Dude
"PA LA MIERDA"-- Drunks
"q weeeenaaaaa" --- that's a good one
"ese conch" --- you're a player
"hablao" --- talk to you later
"de la reconchasumare" --- fucking great
"avenida arequipaaa!" --- (the mating call of combis)
"huevón" --- someone with bigs testicles (not used literally, more like... "balls no brains")
"cha tu mae" --- mothafucka
"d pm" fucking great
"JPP & JTT" zebra, cookies and cream, dice, dalmatian, choco chips, stracciatela, pedestrian pass, coffee & milk, uncoverd oreo cookies as thee is only 1 black person involved, prisioner clothes, mime, ying-yang, black & white movie, starbucks
"pasame la botella!!-- Pass me the bottle, for lets drink till morning
"a la mierda" who cares
"apanao" usually done on birthdays, you gang up on the poor dude's birthdays and kick him to shit
"Barney NEGRO" cuando se hace grande es realmente sorprendente
"i-i-i-invita-a pe-e" --> way of asking for food like a "cholo"
"Se me sale el topo"--- When you have to poop urgently
"Mani, mani"--- litteraly means peanut (used to describe someone with a microscopic penis)
"atake final" done when a guy jumps and pokes you in the stomach, really painfull
"Webero" Extremely painfull flick to the scrotum with knuckles.
"choro" black guy who steals shit from you
"¡pasa naa!" --> booooooooriiiinnnnng!!!!
"¡conchudo!" --> used for someone who takes advantage of you.
"champiñon" you have an amorfous head like a flower
"vete a la mierda" fuck off and die
"cachete guerra" --- lol, you know who! xD
"Rosada" a crazy bitter pink seel who likes clapping
"Markham College" a zoo full of different kinds of animals who are forced to work under the command of papi tafur
Caballito - a super gilero
"pavo" You don´t have friends and you do not go to have fun
"Kanu" a black motumbo guard that will kick your ass if you piss him off.
"Tabuco" a person that has little balls and no penis, ALSO HAS LEPRA
"Fleik" -> Meaning girlfriend, majorly used by markham arabs to describe their favourite 'concubina'
"Pollo" The most motumbus man on the universe apart of God. He is at the same level with Chuck Norris. Both are motumbusen!
"fercho" The fucking retard that is paid to drive you around town
"Wichasoo" Fucking awesome!!!
“ Wich” Means its cool, frequently being used in the phrase “pa toa la jente wich” or in English “ For all the cool people” An entirely different alternative can be used though which is when you call a person wich while meaning to say witch. Often said to people who have a third hole(I don’t mean respiratory hole) on their noses
“Cabeza d Huevo” Basically means you have a world-sized head which happens to be egg shaped. (Ex: Ponche , Huevo Ruiz)
Progress In The Past Few Years
Alberto Fujimori and Alejandro Toledo piggy banks have gained a LOT of weight (also, check their bank accounts in Switzerland.)
In 2006 Moisés Humala was unanimously elected to the offices of President and Grand Marshall of the Avenida Arequipa Gay March. Upon assuming office however, he realized that the treasury had been looted and then abolished by his predecessor Alejandro Toledo Ohio. He then decided to resign in favor of Alan "Chanchote" (big pig) Garcia, expecting an economic miracle akin to the boom during the administration of Alan "Chanchote Joven" Garcia during the late 80's.
Abimaél Guzman has struck a deal with the courts, he is now to serve out his remaining life sentence working as a stripper at Piso 14 in exchange for receiving toilet priveledges and a liter of ron Cartavio every week.
Nightlife and interesting places in Lima
Lima (the capital) is known to have a horrible nightlife. Nowhere else in the world will you spend your nights drinking chela with Racumín (rat's poison) or getting raped in the ass. There are several clubs/discotheques located around the city that serve as hot spots:
Noctambul
This is a very toxic club. The standards have dropped dramatically lately. Sometimes you find shit all over the floor and on people's faces. This club was respected a couple of years ago but now it sucks, never go here, unless you dont have any personal dignity. Before it went down you could easily find "Giusy" there, perreando with cholas and having some good time. He is a complete fumeke but now he has stop a little bit. Girls who had a drink of him know what I'm talking about ;)
Mario Fasce wishes to one day become the owner of Noctambul. He now calls Noctambul "home, sweet home".
Eisha
Eisha (pronounced "Asia", written "Hacia") is the "ficho" place were many limeños go to hang out and have fun. It is in the middle of nowhere and has nice beaches and some good houses. Eisha has many mini clubs, like playa blanca, cocos and others. It is widely considered that Cocos, Playa Blanca or Playa Bonita are the best places. Lately eisha is being invaded by pueblo that either rent a house there between 20 families or just go to the beach that is "public"
Klubb
A pretty decent club. Sometimes becomes crowded as hell and the wait is long, but it is worth it. Be sure that you will be obtain Herpes because there is "harto agarre" and many Limeña sluts.
La media naranja
This little brazilian spot is home of the brave and valiant. If you are peruvian and have not gotten drunk in this place, then you are a fag. It is the best place to drink before going someplace.
La calle de las pizzas
A street where people drink, dance and fuck whores. It was filled with transexuals 5 years ago but now it got cleaned up to only women selling their body. There are a lot of little bars and "huecos" where people go and dance and make out. Has a hot waitress by the name of Jazmine (35 leks la hora ;). If someone dressed up nicely comes up to you and offers you some putas, don't worry, it is normal.
Juanito
Named after its owner and founder, he is a moche pre-inca (definition can be found below). It is a place where teens go there to get fucked up, piss drunk and break bottles like little children until the gay bouncers kick them out, but hey some ppl actually decide to dance. It is the place where everyone meets on friday and saturday during the summer in eisha (Asia). Strictly speaking this place is supposed to be for people over 18 but in peru, you can do everything!!!!
La Barra
A shit hole in lima were people go to drink chela like animals. this is a place where you can find teh most drunk and malograda people in peru. commonly full of cholos and perras. if you like chela like hell and musica de ambiente, this is the place to go. Here is were mafi and her friends go to escape from their moms... Chaski then comes running shoeless and gets hammered drunk on some chelitas and goes around carrying people and throwing them through the balcony
Aura and Gótica
Cool clubs where preppy limenos go and have fun for a lot of money. If you are a member of those two private clubs, consider yourself lucky, loaded, and desirable to women. Cholos and other "ew" people aren't allow and they consider themselves lucky just to get a glimpse of the place. Giussepe and some friends of him tried to "colarse", unfortunately they couldn't because Kanu showed them his magic stick.
Polvos Azules and Las Malvinas
Places were you can get everything for really low prices. Polvos is full of piracy stuff like movies, playstation games, clothes and other, while Malvinas has everything stolen, like watches, cellphones, even bikes.
“Thats where i got 12 DVD's for luca-china, those bastards raised the price!”
"Myths"
All Spanish-speaking South America is part of Peru...
If it wasn't truth, why was the whole Spanish South America known by the Spaniard as "The Vice-Kingdom of Peru"???
Isnt it obvious? ;)
...even though Peru is actually part of Brazil
Many people think that because Peru is small, that it actually belongs to the gigantic country of Brazil, but this is nothing more than a lie. Peru is not always small, it's only small when I'm not thinking about sex. And, in Brazil they speak Portuguese, and they have Ronaldiños. In Peru we speak Spanish and we have "La foquita Farfán" and Cuto Guadalupe.
Peru is a very distinct country compared to Brazil. While Brazil has won the world cup 5 times, we have gotten to go to the world cup about 5 times. The main difference is that Brazilians do not drink as much as Peruvians and that they run after huge, gigantic Perus. Brazilians love the idea that they got a Peru at their backs.
Peru Controls the world anyway!!!
After the Freemasons escaped the clone wars on France with the help of Super Mario, they decided to aid the Peruvians Humans and the incan Night Elves to defeat the brutal Spaniard Orcs (see independence war above) After defeating them on mount Your Mom, they went to establish another colony with the help of Washington and Bush. Creating magic circles, the Freemasons summoned a powergul Grue on the capital and owned the British. After their victory on USA, the Freemasons Reestablished on Peru and controled fujimori with the help of the half demon Vladi
Infamous Peruvians
- Laura Bozzo a 67 year old pedifile who has her own talk show on Telemundo
- Conan O'brien also known as Brian Quispe Wamani
- Pikachu also known as Vizcachú
- Alvaro Proaño
- Jaime Gayly
- Celso Cuba - Also well known as Señor CESO
- Your mom a very famous person in Peru; you can hear her being called like 10 times in a single day =)
- Nolberto Solano and his son Jose Giovanni Veracorna
- Timoteo a fucking fat guy dressed like a dinosaur who enjoys fucking young children in his TV program (son of Michael Jackson and Barney)
- Magaly Medina -> A very ugly bitch who never takes off her Halloween mask.
- Manuel Bryce he is the best player of football and he will always be in the first team of regatas(esto si no lo borras no ctm?)borralo tu si kiers yo no lo puse xD
- Toledo -> A 'guaco' prehistorico which's face was made by Manco Capac himself, who thinks the size of Peru's territory will one day become as large as his nose is.
- Charo Paty- it a hairy llama slut no comments for the lama
- Topo a mole who likes to dig
- Luciano a real looser with no social life
- Giuseppe "el quemado"pastorino: Part of the peruvian Mafia,known for selling Durex Condoms for a slice of pizza.Suspected for the assasination of multiple people
- Combi (Manuel Bryce) - has the world's greatest chifon!!!
- Sanchez- a rat who enjoys eating all kind of cheese, famous for appearing in 'Ratatouille'
- Chato- an outlaw who is famous for his long lasting borracheras. put in prison three times not for being drunk but for breaking the law of head size limit.
- Jose Alfonso-A normal guy who looks like mariño.He is in love with a chuyo.He is Sebastian Salas best friend
- Boby: A gringo dog cousin of the orejones
- Salas-A metrosexual geisha
- Chussi,Ceci y Charo Patty the worlds most cheap hoes