Megabyte

One megabyte from this one will take your head clean off!

A Megabyte is the act of consuming a theoretical quantity of food defined as "a bite that is too big". It is also the name for that theoretical quantity as well. Slightly smaller than a gigabyte, and bigger than a niggabyte, the megabyte exists in that realm of "used to be good, now is seen as shit." A megabyte is traditionally defined as a singular bite containing more food than can actually fit in the biter's mouth. Mathematically, this is expressed as:

1 Megabyte = (1 Chomp × Ego²) ÷ Remorse

When remorse begins to approach zero, the megabyte suddenly becomes an infinite factor thanks to a sudden fluke in how math works, often resulting in choking, grabbing of the throat, gargling noises, and death.

History

Prehistoric

The earliest recorded attempts at a megabyte are believed to date to the Upper Paleolithic period. Archaeological evidence suggests that early humans, upon successfully hunting the mammoth, immediately attempted to shove the entire animal into their mouths. This practice is now known as "proto‑megabyting", and is a leading cause as to why they were on the lower end of the evolutionary totem pole, right underneath the chipmunk.

Cave paintings discovered underneath Paris, France, depict a stick figure pointing at a mammoth with a speech bubble reading something akin to “bro, watch this.” Most scholars and historians agree this is the earliest known example of both overconfidence and accidental suicide.

Da Vinci's "Megabytus" sketch

Classical and medieval developments

During the Beginning Ages, or whatever came before the Middle ones, philosophers spent long periods debating the ethical implications of the megabyte. The great philosopher Play-doh described it as “a bite so huge that it exceeded the very form of bite itself,” while Aris-turtle categorized megabytes as "bad ideas in practice, though quite impressive in theory, and fascinating to behold.”

In the Middle Ages, megabytes were largely suppressed by the Church, which considered them a severe form of gluttony. Illuminated manuscripts discovered underneath a monastery from this time period show people attempting megabytes with bread loaves larger than their heads, often followed by hastily inscribed notes translating roughly in English to: “twas worth it.” Records show that the Black Death barely held a candle to the Megabyte Epidemic of this time, where approximately 5,000,000 people died as a result of a large piece of food being jammed into their largest facial orifice.

The Great Fork (17th–18th centuries)

The invention of utensils by a frustrated megabyte survivor temporarily stalled innovation in the field of large food size consumption technology. Forks encouraged smaller, more manageable bites, threatening the very existence of the megabyte itself, and causing the death chart to show a troubling rise in survivals. This period, known as the Great Fork, saw a sharp decline in megabyte attempts all across Europe and the "civilized" world. Thankfully, other less developed continents such as Africa and Asia retained the "old ways", ensuring that a significant portion of the global population would continue to kill itself off in order to have a megabyte, and keeping it alive and well. The lesser known Spoon period came and went with no positive or negative effects, due to it being impossible, or at least very difficult, to take a lethal megabyte of liquid.

The Digital Schism (20th century)

In the mid‑20th century, the term megabyte was independently rediscovered by computer nerds and geeks who got bored in science class at a community college. Seeking a metaphor for “a lot of something,” and not about to ask the English majors for help, they borrowed the word "bite" from eating. However, due to their chronic cases of indoor existence and a grade average of a C- in spelling and grammar, they typed it out as byte, accidentally inserting a y where an i should have been. When confronted by the angry English majors, the scientists refused to correct the error thanks to a sunk‑cost fallacy, severely overblown egos, and the fear of having to reprint textbooks. As a result, byte remains in use to this day, despite being etymological nonsense resulting from a typo.

Applications

Alright fatass, lets see you try

Culinary

Megabytes are most commonly attempted in environments where confidence exceeds the structural integrity of a given food. Typical scenarios might include, but are not limited to:

• Burgers, particularly those advertised as “single stack” despite clearly containing multiple layers, vegetable based structural supports, and at minimum one item not meant to be eaten at that height (or in any scenario, really).
• Burritos labeled "hand-held”, a term here meaning “theoretically hand-held if gravity was an ignorable policy and the eater had 4 hands and 3 arms.”

Technology

In computing, megabytes are primarily used to measure file sizes and misrepresent download speeds. When downloading a file from the internet, a user is informed that it is “x megabytes” and will take “y minutes.” Both "x" and "y" are widely regarded as suggestions rather than factual measurements, as studies have shown little to no correlation between the supposed statistics and reality. In actuality, "x" is a number chosen to look manageable, while "y" is calculated using optimism, ideal conditions, and the bullshit theorem, which goes:

Bullshit = cos2 (x) + sin2 (x) = (eix + e-ix )2 /4 + sin2 (x) = (e2ix + e-2ix )/4 + e2ln(sin(x)) + 1/2     

To put this into words a human can comprehend, a file advertised as 500 megabytes will reliably take 50 minutes, during which time it will:

• Pause at 99% for a minimum of 5 minutes
• Resume at a significantly slower speed than before
• Install McAfee onto the host system

Attempting a download on hotel or restaurant WiFi expands the process to a minimum of 50 hours with potential for even higher download times, while the “megabytes-per-second” indicator will confidently claim it is operating at the exact same speed it was at home.

Health and safety

Medical professionals such as doctors, psychos, and college dropouts in an Instagram comment section, have recently begun recommending that megabyte consumption be limited to approximately 0 per day. Recorded side effects of attempting a megabyte include jaw dislocation or temporary hinge malfunction, a loss of spatial awareness, a sudden awareness of mortality, and a forced reflection on death and just how close the biter is or was to it. The equation used by health professionals to diagnose megabyte symptoms goes something like this:

Outcome = lim(Bite → ∞) [
  ((Jaw Capacity^-1 × Ego^3) + √(Sauce Density × π))^Confidence
  ----------------------------------------------------------------
              (Common Sense + ε)
]

× ∫ from 0 to "I got this" (Calories / Napkins) d(Time)

× Σ from n=1 to Witnesses (Phones Out_n / Help Offered_n)

× (Restaurant Lighting × Dry Bread) / Available Water

× (Hubris − Medical Advice)

× ("One More Bite" / Reality)^Lie

= dead

Linguistic confusion

"Memoir of a Phonophobe"

The word megabyte is a homophone, which is by definition, “a thing that loves phones.” The opposite of a homophone is widely believed to be a phonophobe, a person that fears phones and refuses to answer calls.

Because megabyte sounds exactly like "mega bite", spoken (or yelled) usage relies entirely on context. Linguists categorize this as a High Risk Ambiguity Term, meaning the listener must quickly determine whether the speaker is discussing data or imminent physical danger.

Some common examples to look out for include:

• “This file is 20 megabytes” - Technobabble. The speaker is referencing data, storage, or something that will inexplicably not fit on a USB drive that boldly claims to have enough space.
• “I just took a megabyte” - A fat greedy fuck is hungry and will soon choke to death. Identifiable by muffled speech, visible strain, and frantic hand gestures straight out of a mime routine where the mime is being put in the electric chair.
• “I can fit one more megabyte” - A lie. Disproved within seconds by common sense and the Heimlich Maneuver needing to be put into play.

Written language complications

In written form, attempts are sometimes made to clarify meaning by inserting a space: (mega bite). This effort usually fails spectacularly, as readers will still imagine the wrong scenario, and likely assume the editors just suck at their job and proceed to firebomb their office. Capitalization, (Megabyte), is equally ineffective and just makes it sound like the name of a really lame Transformer's character.

Resolution

In practice, most misunderstandings can be resolved through observation of the locale. If the speaker is at a computer or some sort of screened device, it is probably data. He could be asking for food to be brought to him however, so this is not a guaranteed fact. If the speaker is at a table, it is most probably food related. However, he could be asking for someone to bring him a computer, or computer files/storage, so again, this should not be taken as a guarantee. If the speaker is sweating like a pig in Bermuda, it really could be either, so best to just avoid contact and study up on the Heimlich Maneuver.

See also

• Byte
• Bite
• Choking hazard