Lacrosse

“At least lacrosse players get to play with balls and sticks”

~ Michael Jackson on Lacrosse

“Duke lacrosse team, baby!”

~ Dick Vitale on rape

Lacrosse sport which one plays instead of playing pussy sports in the spring like tennis or Baseball. The main goal of the sport is unclear except to lay people out, but the primary aspects of it include men chasing after each other with lethal butterfly nets.

The only people who gave a shit about Lacrosse are WASPs, white people, Ivy League colleges, Canadians who are transplanted far south or far west (Scottsdale, Arizona), and former ice hockey fans who lost interest in the NHL.

History

History says that the raving madman in question may have been Aztec or Mayan, but no one is terribly sure. Lacrosse saw a surge in popularity when Pope Julius II declared ex-cathedra that "baseball is gay (sic)". Since then, there has been a significant amount of enmity between baseball players and lacrosse players.Laccrosse players are more commonly known as Lax-Bros or Kick as guys who pass baseball players balls with lond metal sticks imported from china.

The true origins of lacrosse were recently discovered by sir Chuck Norris during his exploration to hunt down all things unmanly. The truth is that a group of very effeminate young men were catching butterflies with nets when suddenly a baseball landed in one of their nets! The young men immediately panicked and starting throwing the ball to one another screaming "ooooo This ball is from a man sport, save me!!!", eventually one of them threw the ball into the nearest hockey net saving them from harm. After doing so he screamed "ooo guys, i quite enjoyed handling that ball." so they continued to play until it became a well known sport played by the camp and effeminate.

Sub-culture

Although a helmet and pads is required for lacrosse, there is very little full body contact, but hey, that's Americans for you, and contact mainly consists of stick-checks. After a game there will be very little talk about goals or saves, but rather "laying people out," the way lax bros say hitting. Even though a flag was thrown it will be the talk of the team for days.

Traditionally, on-field attire includes high socks, or black Nike mid's. "Lax flow," or hair flowing freely from the back of the helmet in a mullet-like fashion, is just as essential to a lacrosse player as their stick skills or speed. Flow is even admired by opposing players.

Off the field, lacrosse players can be seen wearing Brooks Brothers, plaid shorts, and boat shoes, and on casual days, a reversible pinnie of their favorite liberal arts college, a backwards hat, and mesh shorts with sandals or Air Maxes (see Brantford Winstonworth). There are some, however, who portray the mannerisms of the laxer without actually playing the sport, who are considered posers. They often will deny their appearance, but at the same time show it off to others around them.

96% of lacrosse players develop an addiction to smokeless tobacco, most notably Skoal. "Lips" are packed before, during, and after games. The better the player, the more he is expected to be able to "pack". This is considered to be really "chill".

YA! Its no wonder Lacrosse is Canada's favorite summer sport...eh?

Rules

Before one can join their lacrosse team, a waiver must be signed stating that you like Dave Matthews, OAR, and 311.

Players attempt to score as many goals as possible while staying totally "chill". Being chill includes referring to teammates as bro's, brah's, and broskis, and making sweet nicknames for underclassmen. It also means running hard through ground balls, never raking, and always putting extra finness on passes and catches, maintaining a constant swagger. It is not uncommon for someone with no athleticism, yet incredibly chill, to have a natural ability for the game of lacrosse.

The most important thing for a lacrosse player to remember is that most people don't know what the fuck is going on during a game, even though it is just as simple to follow as basketball. As long as you try to hit someone and run hard you will look cool playing it. Invite as many girls to the game as possible.

Other

If a girl dates a lacrosse player for the sole purpose of receiving sex, the girl may be referred to as a "laxstitute" or "laxitude". This definition can be supplied in a surprisingly large number of circumstances. The "Laxstitute" is found rarely in nature in the Baltimore area (Washington, DC not included). They have high success rate in captivity and have since thrived when kept domestically.

The Baltimore Blackhawks and Washington White Wolves are some kind of sports rivalry. Dem bitches be triflin.

Whatever happened to the Albany Yuppies? Oh wait, they folded out of business! They are the opposite of the NY Yankees. LULZ.

Positions

• Goalie: The goalie is usually the fat fuck who is not athletic whatsoever on the team and usually stands in the crease of the goal and yells at his defenders as to what (sex) formation they should be in to stop the attackers from undeniably scoring on him. The goal is smaller than your computer screen and the other team still scored.
• Long Poles: These positions are defenders who obviously became such to make them feel better about themselves. They usually have no idea what the fuck they're doing and simply run at you with 9001 ft poles. Considered "Fucking Dirty Brah" if you score with the pole.
• Midfielders: These guys are athletic yet beyond stupid but are team players as half of them can't handle the ball for shit which is why they lob it to their attack or, as is usually the case, the other team. Usually referred to as "middies." Real pussies as they are the worst ones to take a hit (not that long poles ever even have the balls to go up against on, let alone any other position)
• Attackmen: Two words, Selfish Faggots.

National Lacrosse League

They are the highest-level or the "pros" of lacrosse. Champions: Les Cariboux du Quebec.but dont belive this for this is not soccer

Major League Lacrosse

Well according to warrior lacrosse it's 2025 so pro lacrosse players live rockstar lifestyles with huge cribs, private jets, and epic babe fests, while they're making seven figure endorsement deals in front of jam-packed stadiums. But wait!!! It's 2010 and most players are playing for free! Oh, there are 6 teams, one of which always plays on the road like a travelling circus. There's less defense than the NBA all star game and the cheerleaders weigh as much as the players.

Indoor League Lacrosse

The LULZ of Lacrosse being played indoors, because they are weak to play outside like real men. Champions: The Colorado Mammoth. Please pay big bucks to attend their home games...or they'll be as extinct as actual mammoths.

See also

• Ball
• GSBLaX
• Los Angeles Riptide Lacrosse team.
• Mark Steenhuis is a fucking beast