UnScripts:King Lear

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King Lear is part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions


Act One

I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map...

Act I, scene i

Gloucester: I wonder who Lear will give his kingdom to. By the way, this is my stupid bastard son.

Kent: Sweet.

Lear enters.

Lear: I am going to split my kingdom in three so I can live more easily.

Goneril: I love you a lot.

Regan: I love you more.

Lear: Yay, my kids love me... (to Cordelia) What about you?

Cordelia: I cannot say how much I love you.

Lear: Fuck off, then.

Kent: Calm down, you're being unreasonable.

Lear: You can fuck off too.

Burgundy: Wait, I don't want to marry Cordelia now. I won't get any money.

France: I'll take as many chicks as I can find. I am French, after all.

Exit all but Goneril and Regan

Goneril: Lear is a tool.

Regan: Let's screw him over.

Now tell Santa what you want for Christmas.

Act I, scene ii

Edmund: I hate my brother. Hmm... I know, I'll tell my dad that he's trying to overthrow him!

Enter Gloucester

Gloucester: I believe you. I will kill Edgar.

Exit Gloucester

Enter Edgar

Edmund: Dad is trying to kill you, run away!

Edgar: Gosh, Dad is starting to be a bit of a turd lately.

Act I, scene iii

Goneril: Oswald, piss off Lear.

Oswald: Okay.

Act I, scene iv

Kent: I will disguise myself.

Enter Lear

Kent: Lear I want to serve you. (trips Oswald)

Lear: You're awesome!

Fool: Hey Lear, you're an idiot.

Lear: Come say that to my face.

Goneril: Yo Dad, I'm taking some of your knights back.

Lear: Screw you, I'm off to Regan's.

Act I, scene v

Fool: Lear, you're still an idiot.

Lear: Shut up.

Act Two

Act II, scene i

Edmund: Run Edgar. (cuts himself) Dad, Edgar tried to kill me!

Gloucester: I believe you. Edgar must die!

Edmund: Nice.

Karate!

Act II, scene ii

Kent: Oswald, you are a massive cunt. (beats him)

Regan: Kent, what the hell?

Kent: Uh, oh.

Act II, scene iii

Edgar: That's it, I'm getting naked and changing my name to Tom. (strips) Alright!

Act II, scene iv

Lear: I am angry. No I am not. Yes I am.

Regan and Goneril (together): Now you can't have any knights.

Lear: Damn.

Act Three

Act III, scene i

Kent: Lear is in a storm... Shit!

Pla plee plo pli plu!

Act III, scene ii

Lear: I hate you, rain! I hate you so much that I hate my daughters. Do your worst.

Fool: Go indoors.

Lear: No.

Kent: Yes.

Lear: Okay.

Act III, scene iii

Gloucester: French people are coming to kill us. Oh yeah, and I'm going to look for Lear.

Exit Gloucest

Edmund: I'm telling.

Act III, scene iv

Lear: My daughters are bitches.

Edgar: I'm Tom.

Lear: Hey, you're pretty cool.

Gloucester: Lear, come with me.

Lear: Only if we get to bring the naked guy.

Gloucester: What?

Act III, scene v

Edmund: Gloucester is a Frenchie.

Cornwall: Let's get him.

Heh heh heh! It's a candle!

Edmund: Oh, my poor father. How could you do such a thing? (aside) Sucker!

Act III, scene vi

Lear: Let's all act like crazy people.

Edgar: Okay.

Lear: I sentence you all to eat my boogers! Take that, you sucky daughters!

Edgar: And I thought I was a weirdo.

Act III, scene vii

Regan: Take that!

Gloucester: Stop that. Ow ow ow!

Servant: Hey, you meanie!

Servant dies

Gloucester: I'm blind, you monster.

Regan: No one cares. Now, go smell your way to Dover.

Gloucester: Oh, good comeback.

Act Four

Act IV, scene i

Edgar: I will lead you to Dover.

Whup whup!

Gloucester: Naw, just take me to a giant cliff.

Edgar: Yeah, that makes more sense.

Act IV, scene ii

Goneril: I want you Edmund.

Edmund: Ew, no.

Albany: You're a horrible person.

Goneril: You're a coward.

Albany: I know you are, but what am I.

Messanger: Cornwall is dead.

Albany: Awesome.

Act IV, scene iii

Gentleman: Cordelia's sad.

Kent: Lear is a whackjob.

Act IV, scene iv

Cordelia: (to soldiers) Find Lear.

Doctor: Oh, he's probably hiding in a cornfield like a crazy person. We should give him drugs.

Messenger: The British are coming! The British are coming!

Cordelia: Let's kill the English!

BLARGH!

Act IV, scene v

Regan: I want Edmund in my pants.

Oswald: Yuck!

Act IV, scene vi

Gloucester: I'm gonna kill myself. (falls down)

Edgar: You survived. What a miracle! The gods must love you.

Lear: Me like flowers! Fie, fie, fie! pah! pah!

Oswald: I'm gonna kill you, Gloucester!

Edgar: Oh no, you don't.

Oswald: I'm dead.

Act IV, scene vii

Cordelia: Oh, my father.

Lear: Chicken!

Act Five

Act V, scene i

The end.

Regan: Edmund, you're hot. Sleep with me.

Goneril: No, sleep with me.

Edgar: Psst, Albany. Everyone wants to kill you.

Albany: Well, this sucks.

Exit everyone except Edmund

Edmund: All the ladies love me... I'm so cool.

Act V, scene ii

Everyone fights. The French lose (what a surprise).

Act V, scene iii

Lear: We've been arrested.

Everyone dies

Finis