Middle school
Most of your problems can be traced back to the post-modern Chinese water torture commonly known as middle school. Most of the time you go through awkward puberty, having some gigantic zit that you can never get rid of. You spend half the day on the can. You get pissed right off when you break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend that you have known for 3 days. You start to think you are the coolest person in the world even though braces caused you utter pain every day.
You made collages out of magazines, girls wanted bras really bad and boys tried to steal condoms. Let's just face it. Life sucked.
The Lessons[edit | edit source]
For some stupid reason we still can not understand, classes are now split up into different classrooms. Yes, no longer do you have just one teacher or two to teach you everything you need to know. You now have six to seven classes you are unfortunately responsible for attending everyday. Depending on your social standing, this can either be a simple task or hell on earth in the hallways.
The Bathrooms[edit | edit source]
Commonly an ignorable place to empty your bladder, middle school bathrooms are hot beds of rebellious "teen" education. Whether it's Chris showing everyone the bag of pot he found in his brother's room, or Laura puking up her lunch in a pathetic attempt to gain attention for her eating disorder, the middle school bathroom is where it all goes down.
Boys will soon find out how some people don't aim correctly. The students become familiar with puddles of piss on the floor and finding a Five Dollar Footlong or garbage floating in the toilet.
For girls, the mirrors take quite a beating, and it's cheaper than therapy about how your mom hates you and your dad calls you a slut. Plus you can have someone hold your hair when you eagerly change dramatically from a carnivore to a "vegan" after looking at a People magazine.
Math[edit | edit source]
If you survived elementary school math, prepare for middle school math. This is what separates the smart kids from the dumb kids. No longer are you taught simple stuff like adding, multiplying, dividing, and subtracting. You are now taught complex formulas and concepts like dividing and multiplying fractions, changing fractions to decimals, and maybe some algebra if you are lucky enough to survive past all that frustrating crap. Oh and guess what? If you don't drop out of middle school and make it to your freshman year of high school...You get even more of this torture Fun right?
Language[edit | edit source]
Among the most important lessons learned in middle school is that of colorful language. Traditionally, boring old English is taught before middle school, but this is sought to be remedied as soon as the new students discover the internet.
After all, omfg gramr z 4 fuckin n00bs! lolz! ;D
History Learning how the world sucks and everyone is greedy is FUN! Rumor has it that history can stop us from making stupid mistakes. Really? Tell that to your classmate who keeps getting sent to the office for behavior problems.
Science[edit | edit source]
Quite possibly the most boring class next to math class. Secretly run by the Church of Scientology, Science class is designed to brainwash America's youth into becoming members of Scientology, but so far is thankfully not working as no one ever takes it seriously.
Gym Class[edit | edit source]
Sports can help you lose weight and teach you that winning is everything. One popular misconception is that you have to shower with your teammates. This is false because only gay people do that. Basically it's the same gym class from elementary school except it's only pain and suffering from here on out. The girls sit in the bleachers and gossip about Justin Beiber while the boys are put through pain in the form of dodgeball, football, b-ball,etc.
Sex-ed[edit | edit source]
A class filled with embarrassed giggles at the mention of the words: Period, Penis, Vagina, Breasts, or Ejaculation. To make sure abstinence is always followed through, the children are forced to watch either a video of a woman giving birth or a slide show of the worst venereal infections that the teachers can find. The girls fall to the floor in mental anguish and pain. The boys have nightmares of castration. However, the videos repeatedly state that "it's perfectly normal".
All of this usually results in either temporary paralysis or the life-long dream to get laid. Then they go home and learn about sex from watching porn.
The Pledge of Allegiance[edit | edit source]
In many American middle schools, students are forced to perform a complex religious ritual called the Pledge of Allegiance. In this, students must leave their chairs and kneel on the floor and face the Flag of the United States. They then recite the following in perfect synchronization:
I pledge my undying allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic, for which it stands; and to the Protestant Church, for which it stands; and I pledge my commitment to destroy all those who stand against our great white Protestant Nation; to destroy Communism, to destroy Atheism, and to destroy Paganism; and I pledge to give my life if needed to protect freedom, and to protect the values of our great white Protestant Nation.
If students fail to recite this in perfect synchronization, they will receive a corporal punishment; however, schools have begun making the recital of the Pledge of Allegiance an optional activity, which has caused Karens to bitch about it protect their children's minds from being corrupted.
The Stereotypes[edit | edit source]
You WERE (whether you like it or not) one of these people:
The Popular Chick[edit | edit source]
They rule the school but everyone hates you cuz you're a bitch. You wear tight, low cut shirts and drainpipe jeans. You will lose your virginity in a month to some twenty year old guy who promised you to be number one on his friends list. You are a cheerleader and take school spirit too seriously. You're a picky eater and date only jocks despite the fact they treat you like crap and slap you too. You say "like" way too much. You swap boyfriends with your friends every few days. You are too daft to realize middle aged men including the janitor pretending to clean up near your table are staring at you. You are going to be a soccer mom and be bored until you have an affair. you are usually followed around by a pack of your "friends" and you all put on an act for the rest of the school, pretending that you "love each other like sistersss" but actually genuinely fear and hate each other.
The Jock[edit | edit source]
You are popular but can't read or write. You wear polos and constantly "pop your collar." Sometimes you feel the need to layer the polos and pop all the collars at once. You're on the football team and think you're all that. You talk about sex too much to get attention, but have no idea what you are talking about. I mean, a girl blows when she gives a blow job, right? You get nerds to research it for you. You curse too often and use "dude," "shit," "fuck," (or any variants) as a filler when you can't think of a proper adjective/adverb/noun/etc. You will attempt to get laid when you hit puberty, but will find yourself lasting around 30 seconds, if you do, in fact, get laid. You go on Facebook and put class of 2017 when you graduate from college. You live in Nashville and don't know what Tennessee is. You upset all of your girlfriends by yelling at them. You are as confused as a man in Harlem on father's day. You don't have to worry about marriage or kids. It will never happen! All the popular chicks are going to go to the sensitive guys in the end.
The OK Kids[edit | edit source]
The popular kids call these young teens "okay" because they don't cause problems and "aren't that bad." The OK kids don't care that the popular kids went through puberty much quicker, making them realize you don't have to be cool to be popular, you just need a sweet pair of boobs (if you are a girl) or talk about sex a lot (If you are a guy). The girls dress in jeans or skirts with t-shirts and don't flash random people. The guys always carry around a skateboard and have scabbed elbows from always falling off them, but they're smart enough to have an okay conversation with their older siblings high school friends. They daydream of driving a car and a permit. They are probably the only normal kids in school and will finally break free from their public school career to be awesome college students. They also have normal families, and most of them have siblings, since their parents liked them enough to decide to have more kids. Just kidding. People like this don't exist. Well, they do. But you can only encounter them in..... The Twilight Zone.
The Emo Kid[edit | edit source]
Short for "emotive hardcore." You of the emos have your own genre of music, fashion, argot and other trappings in a futile attempt to prove their uniqueness. You take irritatingly similar pictures with similar faces, often including peace signs. You post bulletins on MySpace with song lyrics as the title and usually tend to be some boring quiz on yourself. Sometimes you are sad one minute and pissed off the next, most probably due to the useless bullshit you are constantly thinking about. Stop it. Actually take that knife and do it. Either that or shut the hell up.
Wannabes[edit | edit source]
Since most kids enter puberty around Middle School, their way of thinking starts to change. They start thinking if they don't do drugs, alcohol, pot, or have sex, no one will like them. Truth be told, All you have to do is be your own person And you will be just fine. HA! Who are you kidding?! You won't get anywhere in life if you don't at least lose your virginity.
You often have no friends or self-esteem and you often hang around the "cool kids" because you think that you actually have a shot at being popular. You don't follow the fundamental logic that one or two friends are better than none. So you try to become popular and fail in the process. You laugh half-heartedly at the pranks and jokes that "popular" kids play on the "losers", but often are completely oblivious to the fact that the real joke is on...ahem...YOU. You stand right next to the table of the important people at the cafeteria even though they aren't your friends. You try to dance with them at the school dance but you are outside the circle. You read teen magazines to figure out what on earth they are saying. BUT You finally get popular when you start dressing like them.
The Religious[edit | edit source]
OMG! God loves you! You can't stop loving your religion. If you are not allowed to do something religious at your school, you shove it in peoples' faces. You wear youth group t-shirts all the time, YOLO shirts, and shirts that say motivational things, and carry around a bible. If you had a MySpace, it would be full of bible quotes. You mostly hang with your friend at your church/temple youth groups. Not anyone at middle school. If anyone fails to meet your religious requirements, you preach your beliefs and try to guilt-trip the victim into attending church with you.
The Militant Atheist[edit | edit source]
Our out on your own personal atheistic crusade. You love atheism and only read atheistic books. You hate religious people and have a pathological need to convince everyone that God isn't real. You probably think that you're the most logical person in the world and that you have everything right, even though you don't even understand half the science concept you claim to believe in (but ironically enough, you understand religion more (We're sorry: the previous parenthesis was written by a Militant Atheist)). At the end of the day, you just end up irritating everyone. Well, maybe less than Mormons.
The Loner[edit | edit source]
You're the guy/girl without any social skills. You can't wait to go home where you can sit in front of a screen and not have to interact with anyone. Home is your heaven. People occasionally make fun of you, but you try and act like you didn't hear it.
The Geek[edit | edit source]
You love computers and Terry Pratchett. You can quote any Monty Python skit at will. You have either glasses or braces and everyone teases you. The only thing that differentiates you from a nerd is you don't know C++, but that's okay 'cause you'll have a serious girlfriend before the "popular people."
The Nerd[edit | edit source]
Your voice squeaks every time you use your vocal chords and you advance through puberty very slowly. You sit with the other nerds and play chess. You are often seen wearing plaid, glasses (thick frames optional), highwater pants, and goofy shoes. You can often be spotted at a distance due to your pizza face. You read every Star Wars book, write "fanfics" about it, and day dream about Princess Leia. You will become the next Bill Gates after reading all those gigantic "how to" computer books. You already built the next generation of a computer. An inhaler is in your pocket. You edit Wikipedia and Uncyclopedia. (if you're reading this now, there's a 99.9 precent chance that you are one) You read WikiAfterDark to get sex tips. You carry your graphing calculator with you at all times, safe and snug in its zippered case with your full name embroidered across the front. You also carry a large stack of books to every class, but you'll only use one or two in the course of a day. All the bullies live for you but you can always kill them with a dissing.
That Freak[edit | edit source]
You hate those popular chicks. You way much hate the wannabe. You hate Disney Channel but sometimes watch it. You can't follow that confusing fashion and just acting like you're standing in the middle of a railway and a train is chasing after you. You're not a nerd. You're make tons of jokes of those chicks and wannabe, or the teacher (it might be funny or not).
The Quiet Kid[edit | edit source]
You were really popular back in Illinois. Now, for some random business reason, your family moved to Florida. All of a sudden you're no one. So many things are different and you don't know what to think. You realize - you're the quiet kid. You sit in the back row and obediently obey the teacher. Kids don't really seem to notice you. You're the kid who the teacher has to assign to a group while all the others paired up themselves. You have a really great idea for your group project but decide not to say anything because the other students won't care. At lunch, you sit nearby some friendly kids, waiting to break in at a right moment, but the moment never comes. You are practically the same as them- you play the same video games, watch the same tv shows, everything. But for some reason you just can't integrate into this new society. You loose touch with your friends back "home". You have no one but your family (lol). Time passes, and nothing changes. In a desperate final attempt at integration, you ask a cute girl out. Not knowing who you are at all, she rejects you. You either shoot up a school or commit suicide at age 16.
The Idiot[edit | edit source]
You're white and you think everyone in the world is an idiot. You brush your elvis-hair during all your classes to look classy. You sit alone in the corner in the Boy's Locker Room because you have no one to talk to. When the adults aren't looking, people throw pencils at you. Did I mention your'e white? Even Nerds pick on you to make them feel better.
The Floater[edit | edit source]
You a "SPECIAL" student you get Cs, Bs, and maybe a F but, your not part of any group. You have some enemies and your "friends" or semi-friends are part of different groups so what you do is "float" around these different groups talking to them (but really no one likes you, so no one cares.)
Douchebag[edit | edit source]
No one likes you. You try to act cool, but we don't give a rats ass about you. You come to school in the same clothes every day. Your goal to pass 8th grade, but you never accomplish it due to that one guy. Aw...C'mon! That little shit deserved getting his ass kicked for talking about yo mommy. Finally, You give up and drop out of middle school.
Spas[edit | edit source]
You wear crocs with knee socks and knee shorts. You wear shirts that are against the dress code. You make annoying noises and whenever someone makes fun of you, you just give them the puppy dog eyes. You are smart in school subjects, but only because your mom makes you.
That One Kid[edit | edit source]
You follow people around as you are desperate for attention or enjoy making others squirm or get angry. you inult everything and you never give the person you follow any personal space. the reactions from the victim may fall on a scale between "Doesn't Give A Shit" to "Get The Fuck Away From Me". You have a mentality similar to that of the Douchebag, and you are often homophobic.
