Jimmy Ar'son
Jimmy Ar'son (born April 18, 1906) was the 35th President of the United States of America, serving from 1961 to the present, and the creator of the Jimmy's House of Arson Corporation (JHOA). He is known for his many generous, philanthropic, and pyrophillic contributions in America, his most famous being FIRE, the universal problem solver.
Family History[edit | edit source]
The Ar'son family has its earliest known roots in the Netherlands, specifically in Amsterdam during 1421. Following the trail of clues and ashes, historians believe that the family moved to London in 1666, before relocating soon after to an unknown location in the British countryside. The family unfortunately did not keep very good records, and the next known place of residence was in New York City in 1776. According to several experts, it is likely that the family then moved west to California during the gold rush which explains why Jimmy Ar'son was born in the Orange County rather then the Big Apple.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Jimmy Ar’son was born on Wednesday, April 18, 1906 to a family of poor grocers and part-time mafia enforcers in San Francisco. After the events of the coincidental earthquake and fire which leveled the city the same day Jimmy forced his way out of his mother’s gullet and into the world, the family made the hasty decision to move to Pennsylvania in pursuit of open spaces and places to hide evidence. According to company representatives, Jimmy had his first of several extended stays at the taxpayers hotel of Eastern State, completely free of charge a mere 4 years after he was born to the delight of his formerly proud, now slightly crispy, parents.
Jimmy and his parents worked hard to make ends meet in Pennsylvania, but the complete lack of people who could form a complete sentence, resolve problems without shooting a shotgun, and show restraint when savagely abusing and beating their children, severely impeded their efforts. The family moved from place to place in Will I Am Penn’s state, in the vain hope of escaping the abject poverty and inbreeding that seemed to surround them, eventually moving to Somerset because the overzealous lawmakers with their illogical documents printed about them did not know where or what a Somerset was, much like current government officials do today.
In 1928 a 22 year old Jimmy Ar’son was hit hard with the sudden and tragic death of his beloved parents in a tragic yet entertaining car accident that killed 134 people. The remaining Ar’son, who had gotten a job at the Somerset Morgue for Dead People, terminated his employment and returned to the family household to mourn in the ways of his ancestors. There were no survivors. While trying to cope with the loss of his only family by looking in the attic for keepsakes, Jimmy discovered what appeared to be an old book secreted away inside a hollowed out body.
Old Age and Death[edit | edit source]
According to the JHOA Library of Flammable Knowledge, History and Records, the book Jimmy discovered contained three formulas, two finished and one halfway finished, for medical marvels. Jimmy created his first product, Snake’s Oil, one week after finding the book and his second product, the cigarette, a week after that. For this Mr. Ar’son was given the honor of having simultaneosly created the cure for, and the cause of, cancer within two weeks (a world record that he still holds to this day)! While Snake’s Oil cured baldness, appetite, and internal digestive organs, cigarettes cured ugly, feminism, gay, not-sex appeal, and lungs. With a heavy hittting combination like that, it came as no surprise when Jimmy Ar’son struck it rich and soon surpassed even Andrew Carnegie in terms of wealth, influence, and union busting.
Company folklore maintains that the partially finished formula in the book was actually the partially completed secret forula to “FIERE”, the original problem solving solution. During the 22 years in which he helped America’s children, war efforts, and ratio of people per unmarked grave, Jimmy Ar’son was diligently working on perfecting this third formula. At the age of 44 he achieved success, and founded Jimmy’s House of Ar’son, and while he continued producing high quality cigerettes from children he did reame Snake’s Oil to Motrin in an effort to appeal to people who had not yet played Metal Gear Solid and therefore did not understand the reference.
However, tragedy struck for both the nation and Jimmy Ar’son on January 3rd, 1961 when Jimmy Ar’son, now 54 years old and about to be sworn in as President of the United States, was killed by an assasins bullet while giving a speech on the rim of the Big Hole. Eyewitness reports vary, but the government has publicly stated that the idea of Jimmy Ar’son rising from the canyon engulfed in hellfire and snatching hapless young sniper Jerry Springer with a whip of flame, as fanciful and double-minus ungood. Regardless of events, Jimmy Ar’son remains the most popular president in American history, with a 101% approval rating before he was even elected to office. When the nation learned that he had been shot and that John F Kennedy was being sword in instead as an hillarious practical joke, his ratings nearly tripled to a whopping 301% for some reason.
Post Mortem Presidential Actions[edit | edit source]
During his tenure as the 35th President of the United States, Jimmy Ar’son’s policies include all unfavorable wars that started after his death, all impopular descisions made by the 36th, 37th, 42nd and 43rd Presidents, and any tax increases. Upon learning that Jimmy Ar’son made these descisions, the public embraced them and they all rose in popularity by 70% from 0, and all the aforementioned Presidents houses burned down.
Jimmy's House of Arson Corporation[edit | edit source]
FIRE™ is the very latest in problem solving technology from JHOA corporation, the makers of NAPALM™ and C-FOUR™. According to company officials, FIRE utilizes an innovative “scorching” procedure in order to neutralize any potential problems. The exact procedure itself is a closely guarded secret, and the JHOA has employed several discreet lawyers to sue indiscriminately in order to keep it that way. The products created by the company are used worldwide, most notably by the United States government who use FIRE, NAPALM and C-FOUR to great success in matters as important as foreign wars to as trivial as population growth (like in Somerset, PA)
List of JHOA Products[edit | edit source]
FIRE: “Have a problem, make it GTFO, set it on FIRE, just give it a go, hey!” -advertisement jingle FIRE is the most widely used product by the JHOA Corporation, and is widely available to the general populace. As a universal problem solver, FIRE has been praised for its ability to solve problems such as a leaky faucet, overdue mortgages, and college tuitions in one application depending on who is inside the house at the time.
NAPALM “Those Vietcong Neighbors, well, their Asian, okay? Give em a blast from their past, with NAPALM today!” -advertisement slogan NAPALM is a relatively old member in the roster of JHOA products, with its earliest known usage in the critically acclaimed Vietnam War and Korean War eras. Marketed as a form of FIRE that sticks to problems that “just won’t stand still”, NAPALM continues to have high market value in many third, fourth, and first world countries around the globe. Also useful for removing pesky forests, bugs, flesh, and whatever else happens to be in the area.
C-FOUR “Is there some guy, who deserves to die? Do you wanna just blow his ass, into the sky? Well with C-FOUR, worry no more, just detonate, and bathe in the gore, C-FOUR!” -advertisement jingle C-FOUR is one of the newest additions to the products manufactured by JHOA, and has been blasted by critics, who were never heard from again, for not “solving” problems but instead blowing them up into small, identifiable pieces. The company has responded to this by pointing out that C-FOUR is not labeled as a problem solving solution, but as an effective way to be rid of someone annoying. A favorite of the U.S military.
GREEK FIRE “Is there some retard in your pool, taking a crap, and you can’t set him on fire, because he’s all wet? With GREEK FIRE the water, will turn into flame, and the problem is gone, regardless of rain!”-Advert. GREEK FIRE is a product that is used for solving water based problems that ordinary FYRE has trouble resolving. Using an oil-like substance, GREEK FIRE burns through water and ices in a matter of seconds. Commonly used to warm up children who complain about being cold in the winter when they go out with no clothes on.
INCENDIARY PILL “Are you feelin sick, are you feelin unwell? Did you tell your migraine that you’d see it in hell? Take this pill, kiss the children goodnight, the fire in your tummy will make it all right, tonight…” -Advert The INCENDIARY PILL is a specific type of medicine, as all products in the FIRE line are considered medical products by the U.S Food and Drug Administration (FDA), used to soothe upset stomachs, grumbling stomachs, stomach pains, and stomachs. Some independent researchers, whose names were withheld by request, likened the INCENDIARY PILL to a .50 Incendiary bullet before being humorously and ironically killed by a volley of .50 Incendiary bullets fired from a helpful JHOA employee who was subsequently interviewed by the police, and the electric chair.
OPERATION FIRESTORM OPERATION FIRESTORM is the most expensive product ever created by the JHOA Corporation. While it has never been purchased, the official product description defines FIRESTORM as the “solution to everyone’s problems, everywhere, forever”. According to skilled hackers who obtained several top secret documents from the company’s mainframe, before they and their families were sued indiscriminately by unknown lawyers, FIRESTORM involves the simultaneous launching of every ICBM on Earth with unknown target destinations. In addition, FIRESTORM has the distinction of being the only product that comes with a 1 month waiting period, so that company employees can move into their new underground housing. Due to widespread public curiosity, JHOA scientists released this webpage showcasing the effects of FIRESTORM.
Product Usage[edit | edit source]
Product Usage: In order to ensure %100 satisfaction and success rates when using any JHOA or FIRE product, the corporation released a helpful guide of situations where it is appropriate to use FIRE, and handy directions of where and how to bury “problem dust”. Because the writer of this article is lazy, they have posted this instruction sheet created in 1959 instead of actually writing a well thought out and logical analysis of the product.
FIRE and You, a Helpful and Informative Guide Created by Your Capitalist Friends At the Jimmy’s House of Ar’son Corporation! Hello there, valued American consumer, and from all of us here at the JHOA corporation we would like to extend our heartfelt gratitude that you have chosen to purchase and or use a JHOA product!!! But don’t go solving your dog's flee problem just yet, oh no sir/madam, if you are going to use FIRE you need to know THE RULES. As every American citizen and black person knows, medicine used incorrectly is dangerous, even with such child friendly products like Motrin and FIRE! But if you follow these simple instructions, we’ll have beaten the Reds in no time and your problems will be solved!
Step 1. Identify Your Problem/Dispose of Receipt The first thing you want to do when opening a FIRE product is to BURN THE RECEIPT. Without this crucial step, Communists will break down your door, steal your children and/or wives, and take your swell new lead lined refrigerator (also the product will not work)! Once that is taken care of, begin to identify your problem. The following is a list of sample situations of when it is acceptable and encouraged to use FIRE. Use FIRE: poor people, rich people, population growth, communist invasion, in case if zombies, black people, white people, communists, greedy children, stomach pains, communist children, insubordination, books, learning, police, general anger, drunken haze, while strung out on Coca-Cola, hookers, war, and Communism(and many more).
A lot to absorb dear America, I know, I know, but you must NOT USE FIRE in these following situations. Remember, the communists have slits for eyes and silly accents, to better detect weakness, and using FIRE in the following ways is a WEAKNESS.
DO NOT Use FIRE: Unsatisfied with JHOA product, anger at JHOA employee, drunken haze which may harm JHOA or employees, JHOA building blocking your view, JHOA President visits, JHOA World Headquarters, any occasion where a JHOA employee may be present(if you tell them to leave it is then acceptable), any project with JHOA money and or enforcers present.
Step 2: Learn the Basics/Employ FIRE Wow, rules stink almost as much as Old Lady Gibson’s rhubarb pies, right? Unfortunately, by purchasing a JHOA product you have entered into a structured and legally binding contract with JHOA International, JHOA Legal Department, and the U.S Department Of Defense and are required to follow all rules and regulations as set forth in JHOA Resolution 9.5 A under penalty of death. Hey kids, who likes ice cream? Adults, who likes tax cuts? Well, in a few short moments those will all be yours (ice cream not included)!!! Anyhow, let’s learn the basics of FIRE. First things first, law enforcement personnel have a hard time understanding FIRE and often misconstrue its usage as a federal crime. Silly Washington, FIRE isn’t a crime, right Lassie? So remember to AVOID CONTACT with police, and the demonic communists known as “firefighters”. They will thwart your problem solving with glee and often subpoenas. If you manage to keep the authorities out of “the know”, then its time to learn exactly how to apply FIRE to a problem. Did you know, intelligent consumer, that there is more then one type of problem? It’s true! In fact, there are more problems then the amount of Chinese people sacrificed to heathen socialist gods, and that’s over 10,007 a day! You might be daunted or even intimidated by such frighteningly large and not-even numbers, but remember America; FIRE is the solution to every single one of them. Most problems are easy to solve, especially if they are incapable of motion or sleeping, just apply FIRE and hold until the target ignites. For problems that either move or flee screaming in terror, apply FIRE to an object you can throw and proceed to throw it at your moving problem.
Step 3: Enjoy! Well America, on behalf of the hardworking capitalist democratic peoples of the free world, loyal employees, and apple pies, we here at the JHOA Corporation wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors. We not only hope that you will continue to use our products, but that you also write to President Eisenhower to tell him how much you appreciate and value FIRE products, and that rumors of JHOA employees and scientists aiding Nazi, Russian, and Chinese communists in producing incendiary weapons of mass destruction are false, untrue, and damaging to America and the rest of the free world. Thank you, and good luck!