Jim Davidson (comedian)
“He knows how to treat a woman”
“I took the wife out last night; one punch!”
“I used to my laugh until my sides hurt, when Jim mimicked me in his act. The subtle portrayal of me as naive and dimwitted yet, in some vague way, threatening brought to mind some of the more emotive performances of a young Olivier. I was both surprised and deeply shocked when someone suggested that I should find it offensive, as I've always thought of him as a great spokesman for interracial harmony.”
Jim "The Cunt" Davidson OBE (born James Cameron Davidson on 13 December 1953) is a well known British racist and wife-beater; he is also an alleged comedian, possibly the greatest alleged comedian in British history. He has been married and divorced to several women who still bear the scars (literally). He is currently married to well-known glamour model and page three stunner Robert Kilroy-Silk.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
During the 1970s, Davidson made his name as a standup comedian. Much of his humour poked fun at racial stereotypes through characters Davidson portrayed on-stage, such as "Chalkie" a West Indian man who spent all his time lusting after the audience's white daughters and promising to give them "a taste of de chocolate lovin'" in his 'hilarious' Jamaican accent and "Joseph" the hook-nose Jew who stole the audience's money and pleaded not to be gassed at the end of the performance. After complaints that Davidson's act was racist, a fan responded saying "I fought in the war for the freedom to make the sort of jokes Jim makes on stage!"; however, it was later discovered that this fan had fought with the Waffen SS.
At a showbiz party in 1989 Davidson devoured a hamster, bones and all, in front of horrified guests after drinking some punch spiked with LSD and believing that the hamster was "cheeking 'er Majesty GAWD BLESS 'ER!". He used his contacts on Fleet Street to frame Freddie Starr for this outrage.
In 1995 he was reported to the Broadcasting Complaints Committee for telling two black contestants on The Generation Game that they "hadn't done too badly for a pair of darkies and I know this show's more of a challenge than chucking spears and dancing to savage drumbeats".
In 1996, he courted the highest amount of complaints ever for a TV show when he allowed a swan to fellate him while he was presenting The Generation Game. Jim protested that "That swan don't mind." and accused a "bunch of people who've made it their business to have a go at me" of "stirring-up trouble over a harmless bit of family entertainment." He refused to deny or confirm the claim that the swan had swallowed his rancid racist gametes.
In 1997, Davidson said he would leave the country and "never return" if John Major lost the General Election. Major then stated he would be backing Tony Blair and urged the whole nation to do the same. Blair won the election, with everyone but Jim voting for Blair's New Labour party. Davidson's mother later tried to recall her vote claming she had been confused and thought she might as well vote for Paddy Ashdown. At the high court of appeal she was denied the right to vote for Ashdown, who also backed Blair after Davidson's comment, stating "we might as well have a Labour government, if it means that cunt Davidson leaves this country we're all winners".
In 1998, he released a memo to his staff saying that as part of his upcoming stage show he wanted the dead body of a "black man" saying that he planned to end the show by "snorting cocaine from his negro cadaver". Interviewed about this in The Daily Mail (following his interview with the police) Davidson was adamant that "I just said I wanted the dead body of a man, I didn't tell anyone to kill them, there's no harm in that. I mean, the dead bloke wouldn't be needing it." and said that the specified-race was important "for contrast reasons with my stage set, although I suppose that's racist now!" however he backed down on the taking of cocaine "It seemed clever at the time, but now I admit that drugs is wrong".
He also released a DVD in 2000 entitled Why Sex With Dogs & Other Animals Is Not Wrong, With Jim Davidson which opened with Davidson sitting in a chair with a Labrador at his feet addressing the camera, saying "A lot of you out there probably love animals like Fido here. Well, I also love animals; so much so I feel a need to penetrate them". This DVD is now regarded as a collectors' item, since all known copies were seized by the police shortly after release. Both of his fans handed in their copies. His intended follow-up DVD Jim Davidson: Love A Duck never got beyond the planning stage although the police seized the plans too.
Jim attracted controversy in 2004 when an investigation by the Daily Mirror discovered he had a 30 strong army of slaves living and working on his sugar plantation in Kent. Davidson protested in an interview on the BBC's Newsnight, saying "There was no harm done! I didn't beat them or nothing and I put a roof over their 'eads. Slavery's okay, it says so in the Bible. No one minded until these do-gooders came along and spoiled everything. Now my slaves are out there in the big wide world. If one of them gets hit by a car or something.. well... it won't be on my 'ead. That's all I'm saying".
In 2005, it was revealed that Davidson had been a member of the BNP but had been expelled for "bringing the good name of the party into disrepute".
Davidson has also courted controversy by beating-up his good lady wife. Asked to talk about this incident, Davidson said:
"I actually went to throw a bowl at her but ended up smacking her about until I broke her ribs instead. We did laugh about it afterwards. Well, I did. She even played it up in the following days by groaning and coughing-up blood more than she really needed to when we were out in public. The silly bitch."
Since then, however, Davidson has gone to great lengths to stress that he does NOT beat women on Sundays, due to his strict Hebrew beliefs.
It's a little known fact that Davidson has done gigs for annual general meetings of the Communist Party of Great Britain (Marxist-Leninist) and the British Socialist Workers Party (Student-Stupidist). For the latter, he recycles his old Jewish jokes as "Zionist" jokes and finds they go down well. Asked to explain why he performs gigs for the extreme-left given his conservative politics Davidson claimed "I don't care much for their politics but I love the colour of their money. Basically, I put cash above personal convictions. I think that makes me the best sort of conservative." He has also done stand-up for the BNP ("I'll always do it for them for free", said Davidson in 2006, "even though they threw me out, they're a lovely bunch and very much misrepresented. If you saw the tears of joy rolling down their face when I go into my "Chalkie" routine well... people wouldn't be so quick to call 'em thugs"), and UKIP. Whilst hiding from Gordon Brown in the United Arab Emirates he entertained the rightwing Islamic political movement "A Jihad And A Cup Of Tea" who Davidson claims are "lovely blokes when you get to know them, with a sensible attitude to a lot of things. Don't buy nothing off them, mind, coz them arabs always rip you off.". The JaaCoT movement repayed the compliment, with their spokesman calling Davidson "A very funny man who will sadly go to hell."
In 2000, Davidson was booked to entertain the delegates at that years Conservative Party Conference. The then party leader William Hague defended the choice by saying that "We needed a comedian that wasn't funny, as people were still pissing themselves at the 'howlers' contained within our manifesto and Jim seemed the best antidote for that."
He allegedly fired two of his roadies for "loving the AIDS monkey which ain't natural". He then punched them in the face and set fire to them, cunningly covering himself by adding "no offence".
Jim Davidson was arrested in 2002 for trying to rob a cornershop with a spade. He walked in with it concealed by a plastic bag and a terrified assistant screamed "He's got a gun!" to which he replied "No, it's a fucking spade, fucking political correctness gone mad!". Come on, Jim!
In 2005, Davidson refused to perform his stand-up act after discovering that there were wheelchair users in the front row. He defended this decision saying:
| “ | Part of my act is to take the piss out the front row and when I saw them there I knew I couldn't do it. I mean, those cripples have got no sense of humour and they'd probably have started crying or dribbling or whatever it is they do. Also, I think they're a fire hazard but you can't say that because of political correctness. | ” |
In an interview with the BBC three days later he apologized for his comments "Yeah, I know the stuff I said about cripples is wrong. I know that. To make up for it, I'm letting in negroes half price next week! Can't say fairer than that, especially as they're paid less than normal people."
Entertaining the forces[edit | edit source]
Davidson is called upon regularly to provide 'entertainment' for British forces serving overseas. The Sun, a noted fan of Davidson's "humour", regularly covered these gigs with the headline "JIM HAD OUR BOYS IN STITCHES". However, Davidson has since stopped drinking and learned to control his temper and the British Army have learned to give the smarmy little cunt a good kicking.
Television work[edit | edit source]
Davidson has "starred" in two sitcoms - Up The Elephant And Rimming Its Arsehole, in which he played a cheeky cockney chappie in a graphic sexual relationship with an elephant and Homo James! in which he played a cheeky everyman who spent his days throwing bricks through the window and pushing shit through the letterbox of a gay neighbour called James. Both were cancelled after police action, although Homo James! remains a cult favourite in the Middle East. In particular: Norwich.
In addition to this, he presented the BBC's gameshow Big Break (ironically, not his big break) in which he broke the legs of people who hadn't taken their hats off in front of the Queen, with the help of John Virgo. The BBC received record numbers of complaints during the first series when the opening titles, which featured Davidson's grinning visage and footage of broken limbs over a disturbing theme-song by Chas and Dave, caused many of the nations' children to cry.
Davidson presented the BBC Saturday night flagship show The Generation Game for far too long, taking over from famed necromancer Bruce Forsyth the Everliving. In almost every show he managed to make some mention of 70's prog-rock band Emerson, Lake & Palmer, apparently being a big fan of the band. To this day most people thought he was advertising a firm of Solicitors. Famously Davidson changed the items on the conveyor belt round at the end of the game from such items as cuddly toys and toasters to Iron Crosses and dead Jews. Failure to remember enough of "his glorious majesty the Fuhrer's" items would result in being gassed and used to fuel the BBC.
The BBC has also broadcast a number of live shows by Davidson, including Jim Davidson: Keep 'em Racist! (1985), Jim Davidson:...And A Black Eye For The Lady (1990) and Jim Davidson Entertains The Daleks (a special show for the disabled, 1995). In 2007, however, it was revealed that no-one ever laughs at Davidson's jokes - all laughter heard was pre-recorded and playing from a tape recorder hidden in Jim's pants. Very often they boo or heckle but these sounds are removed in post-production. However, if you watch carefully you can still see when it happens as Davidson gets a murderous look in his eyes.
Pantomime[edit | edit source]
Davidson has performed in several "blue" pantomimes including SHITderella, SHITderella Gets A Fisting (In The Eye), Sometimes Buttons Has To Give 'Em A Slap To Keep 'Em In Line! and Tits? Yes Please!. During one of these performances, a boy scout in the audience responded to Davidson's scripted line "What are you looking at?" by shouting out "A bankrupt wifebeating cunt". Despite Davidson's leaping into the audience the boy escaped and has since been awarded the OBE, the US Congressional Medal of Honour, the French Légion d'honneur and free sweets at his local corner shop for life. It is also likely that he will be canonised after his death.
Film[edit | edit source]
In 1998, Davidson submitted a screenplay for a remake of The Dam Busters that he'd written to a leading British film studio. It was called The Dam Busters and Nigger and featured a much-increased role for the dog, called "Nigger" in the original film and in Davidson's new screenplay. Henry House, an executive at the studio who read the script has said:
| “ | The dog's name was mentioned a lot. There was a five-page letter attached to the screenplay written by Davidson and pointing out, over and over again and quite aggressively, that he felt it was important that the dog's name be mentioned. Reading through the script it became increasingly clear that Davidson wasn't that interested in the story of the original film and seemed to have an issue with the fact that the dog was called "Nigger" in the original film and that "you couldn't do that now". He wrote notes to this effect in the margins and the characters continually mention it; even though the opening scene mentions that the story is set during World War II and the characters are bomber pilots they end up making page-long speeches about how they're fighting in the war and now Tony Blair won't let their kids see a film with a dog called "Nigger". In his attached letter, Davidson mentioned that he was thinking of fathering a child and calling it "Nigger" apparently to, and I quote, "...see what Tony Blair and his Labour Party make of that, then, eh?". I became increasingly worried when the latter pages of the screenplay also had cartoons in the margins depicting a grinning figure who I believed to be then-Prime Minister Blair surrounded by Gollywogs in suits being attacked by a figure I believe was supposed to depict former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher who was throwing knives at him. I didn't greenlight the project. To be honest, I passed the correspondence onto the police. | ” |
Davidson's only comments on this episode were "I hear this Henry House is a coon 'imself. Now, I respect that, but it just goes to show they look after themselves; knoworra mean?"
Recent Sightings of the Dim Javidson[edit | edit source]
- United Arab Emirates - Because of Blair's communist government that wanted to steal all Davidson's hard-earned cash and give it to chalkie and his mates.
- 2007 "Holocaust Denial" rally in Tehran.
- BBC One all the bloody time. For fuck's sake.
- Visting his pal Nick Griffin at a BNP Rally in Bolton.
- The Jimmy Savile enquiry.
Redemption?[edit | edit source]
In the 1970's his act contained a lengthy, indefensible parody of black people where he plays a "character" called Chalky White. Paradoxically his portrayal of West Indian culture in the UK had made Davidson a cult icon in the Caribbean where Davidson had for some years made his home for six months of the year. Last month Television Jamaica (TVJ) paid tribute to him at the recording of a proposed TV show entitled This Was Your Life, in front of an audience of 600 friends and fans.
He told them: "Chalky's going to be with you for a long time yet!".
|- style="text-align: center;"
| width="30%" |Preceded by:
Nick Griffin
| width="40%" style="text-align: center;" |World's Biggest Racist
2003
| width="30%" |Succeeded by:
Captain Britain