“ It's his name on the wall you know.”
“ John's on the show everybody...... John tell us what happened, dont want to put words in your mouth and I dont want to mention your previous assault charges. I know what you have done.. Hi, I'm Jeremy Kyle and you're SCUM!”
“ Hello, this is the Jeremy Kyle Show Associated with SCUM!”
“ People ask for the Truth and they get 96% of it”
“ At the End of the Day I am SCUM”
Jeremy 'King of the gypsies' Kyle (born 7 July 1965) is a British radio and television broadcaster, best known as a pretentious dingbat, infamous envelope magnet and host of "The Jeremy Kyle Show". He is the self-appointed 'people's hero' for an entire generation of generic, pale, blank-faced inbred youths who swagger around wearing clothing from Primark and donning glistening gold jewellery which could rival Mr T in terms of weight, only cheaper and nastier. They occasionally appear with their mothers on the show, who have three rows of teeth, sagging tits and smell of piss. About the most ironic thing about this talk show host is that he has a certain dark secret that easily rivals any of the so-called SCUM his show exhibits. In fact, just Google his name and look at the first few results, but you didn't see us, alright?
The brain-dead lowlifes who sit and watch the atrocious programme he presents applaud him for his brilliance and sheer masterly conduct, for it is clear - despite Kyle being in no way qualified to resolve any human issue whatsoever - that he does something right. Indeed, were the great Kyle ever to act contrary to his utterly modest temperament and run for Prime Minister, they would at once cling to him, hearkening to his every word and following him like rats would follow a merry, musical, flute-playing rat of an even larger and fiercer proportion and temperament. The secret of Dr. Kyle's success is his avid knowledge a new wave of psychological research by the likes of B. A. Stard et al (2009) which shows that the best way to resolve social problems is to expose people's entire lives to a television audience for the purposes of entertainment, and then to have a sneering, pompous, hypocritical tosser query their every thought, movement, gesture and value in a general environment which would make a MacCarthyist witch hunt look like a 2-year-old girl's sleepover. When accompanied with the ever-truthful lie detector test (so truthful that courts don't even use it in criminal cases!), as well as a plentiful range of jeers, laughs, and general banter from both the surrounding crowd and the accompanying "contestants" that the untrained psychologist would hazard could only exacerbate any problems, Mrs Jones and her three husbands, six daughters and twelve aunties (some of whom are the same people) are of course guaranteed to make it up after the show, merrily waltzing into a gleeful future together - and all thanks to the efforts of good old Jezza!
Now, the narrow-minded amongst you probably think this theory ridiculous, but Jezza has naturally answered every query, concern and critique even before it has been conceived by us mere mortals. Why does it have to be HIM on this show, as opposed to someone who's actually trained to solve these issues? Why, if he's such a motivated, selfless being, does he not devote his life to quiet social work, counselling or care, like the thousands of other trained people who do so every day, away from the cameras, for a fraction of the money he gets? Why is it appropriate to SHOUT at people and call them scum - how can that possibly help resolve an issue? And surely, if a relationship has reached the stage where one partner is accusing the other of having steaming sex with her next door neighbour's dog's teddy bear and it's BLUMMIN GRANDMA, it's time to call it over, rather than deduce who's right and wrong in a public theatre and then spit in the face of the person who's wrong? Isn't that clearly more appropriate and productive?
Well, if you think that, you're SCUM! That's his answer! How dare you say those things you dithering idiot!? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? ASKING QUESTIONS LIKE THAT YOU RETARDED ARSE! NOW FUCK OFF, AND DON'T COME BACK!
... Oh, Pardon me.
How Jezza got so angry
Jeremy Kyle is known for his anger towards his guests. He usually shouts at those who have cheated, stolen, lied, gave birth to kids they don't know about etc, but few know of Jeremy's dark, dark, dark past. He too was once a chav, living in the streets of a random generic run down area. It all began when he was 11 and 6 months old. His mother, a drug addict, locked him up in a dark cupboard, after getting the idea from watching Harry Potter. She thought that he might turn into a magical toss-pot, much like Harry, and bring in fame and fortune to the family, to pay their debts to the pimp, but unfortunately, Jeremy was not magical. His mother left his "dad", to go back to her ex....who was ACTUALLY Jeremy's dad. Yes it is rather confusing, but Jeremy's life is shrouded in mystery. His real dad, Bill Odie returned to Jeremy, to help raise him after his mother died from an overdose from watching Trisha Goddard. Bill Odie realised that Jeremy was going off the rails when he discovered one day that he was teabagging heroine. Bill Odie called in the local priest to give an exorcism. Once they were satisfied that there was no evil spirit in Jeremy, rather it was a desparate cry for attention, they set up the "Hi i'm Jeremy Kyle and you are scum" foundation, to raise funds to set up a morning TV show, aired at times when most of the working, earning and intelligent population would be at work. Unfortunatly, they suceeded in earning the target amount, therefor, Jeremy Kyle is now expelling his rage and trauma on other chavs, whilst killing the nations' minds and braincells.
Both the radio and TV show have always dealt with sorting out the lives of those poisoned by their own stupidity and ignorance. The participants of the show with the problems are often refered to as patients (as being a chav is a medical problem). Viewers/listeners have a sense of self satisfaction that they are not as "scummy" as the people they are watching/listening to.
In 2010 his show reached over 60 viewers, 2 of which are employed.
The Radio Years
Originally 'patients' were treated via a special telecomunications line, namely a telephone, in which the very Jezza would speak to the other person, who in this case has been called the caller. The programme was broadcast via radio waves, and went by the name of Jezza's Confessions. The host would then tell the caller/patient what he thought was the problem, and would then repeatedly humiliate them into relinquishing the disease. This however was not a success, due to the lack of radios in the United Kingdom, and as a result all five people with a radio would listen to the show. The programme then moved to television in the hope of greater success.
The TV years
The Jeremy Kyle Show, as it's now called has been highly successful in the UK, with literally SCUM, cured by the great Jeremy Kyle. It is now broadcast on ITV1 and ITV2. It was previously broadcast on Sky One, but was turned down for being too 'not Lost' (Sky One's main progame).
The main purpose is to show other members of the British public what not to do, and show visualay what could happen if you did infact let yourself go, loose your job and become a leech on the benefit system. Shock tactics have been very successful to those who do own their own television sets and has always provided a degree of entertainment, mush like a modern version of a victorian freak show.
The show also features the legend of Graham Stanier. Graham Stanier's work on the set of The Jeremy Kyle Show is second to none on solving the problems of Britons. Graham's work is described as 'curing the cancer of Britain'. If Graham took up dentistry the Jeremy Kyle show could fix ALL the problems suffered by its patients.
Regular Patients featured on the Jeremy Kyle Show are mainly found amongst the following groups of people:
- who's this sexy mo'fo
- The unemployed.
- Young mothers (ages 6-15).
- Young Mothers (all the others).
- People from Byker, Newcastle
- Lazy people.
- People who wear caps inside.
- Really fugly peopele who are middle aged with bad teeth.
- Young Chavettes who are called "candice" or "chantelle".
- Women who wear nothing more than 18 layers of mascara and consider it an outfit
The problems diagnosed and solved by Jezza typically involve disputes between family members, lovers (who are also sometimes family members), ex-lovers rivalries. The show also covers paternity disputes, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, child neglect, paternity disputes and domestic abuse.
The Jeremy Kyle Show was Eventually banned after editors found that Jeremy and Graham were breeding the 'morons' that were on the show. The editors said in a news report: "I had my suspicions, i mean, how could there be so many ugly bastards in the world, sometimes you see a decent one until you hear them talk and see that they have no teeth in their heads" Graham was never to be seen after the day of the ban of the show.
Lie detector and DNA tests
Sometimes, justice is much harder to deliver than some would originally have thought. Just sometimes, extraordinary tools of this divine justice process must be brought forth to unleash upon the unwitting and generally idiotic SCUM featured on the show. These implements of the great righteousness are known as the Lie detector and DNA tests. Although 47% accurate most of the time, the lie detector is proven to work always on SCUM. The 3% failure rating is in fact superfluous as it is obvious when aforementioned scum are lying. However, "Jezza" does not require the lie detector as he is 100% accurate, 100% of the time. The lie detector results are merely a show trial for the "doubting thomas'" of us all.
When unsure of father(s) of the spawn that is secreted on a regular basis from the female variety of the scum, the DNA test must pick up the gauntlet and wade through the genetic swamp provided by that once innocent nine year old. Unlike its justice delivering counter part, the lie detector test, and much similar to the great Jezza himself, the DNA test is 100% accurate. Always. For ever and ever. When the primordial soup from which they were spawned has been analyzed, their muddy chromosomes are matched up to prove that the child was in fact parented by none other than 13 separate men. All of them, SCUM.
Using these tools of truth 'Jezza' has, in thousands of cases, proved himself to be the supreme judge, jury and in some very rare cases, when felt necessary, the executioner (by means of harsh humiliation).
Some may think that most of the unscrupulous individuals featured on the Jeremy Kyle show are beyond the pale, beyond redemption and worst of all, far beyond the help of a good dentist (many couples often with only one complete set of teeth between them). However, the one key to their painful journey to retribution is the panacea of humanity known only as METHADONE. Methadone has been known to cure everything from marital problems to bad dentistry, from underage parents to nymphomania, from being an ugly chav to being complete and utter SCUM and most commonly cured of all is Methadone addiction.
Once accused of being Britain's most wanted and well known dealer, Graham Stainer is the distributer of this elixir of ecstasy (may contain ecstasy). He is often found expressing his love for handing out methadone regurgitating the following phrases:
“Marital difficulties you say, on to the methadone project ye go.”
“Im very sorry for you loss Mrs. S. Cum, here, we're going to prescribe you some methadone to help grieve your loss”
“I Am FUCKING Legend”
Don't pre-judge, ladies and gentlemen, but Methadone was invented by the Nazis after they got tired of Bayer's success. Pharmaceutical moguls Bayer had dominated the drugs market in Germany for years, with their flagship product Bayer's Junior Heroin ("The Sedative for Coughs, Colds and Crying Children"). Feeling outdone, the Nazi scientists set about creating this miracle green panacea: methadone. Due to its shameful Nazi origins, Methadone is continually praised by prominent Scientologists, most famously Tom Cruise, who confused it for mouthwash and became addicted instantly (shortly before appearing on Oprah Winfrey).
Thanks for watching
As a thank you for watching The Jeremy Kyle Show the host, Jezza, likes to reassure viewers that each patient will receive as much help as is possible. Coincidentally, this is known to be the truth. We cant let filthy SCUM back out onto the streets! Britain would get worse than it already is under this shitty left wing pansy government.
Jezza normally finishes the show off with:
"I'm Jeremy Kyle, thanks for watching. Be sure to tune in next time as we eradicate yet more SCUM."
Graham always finishes off anything he does with the phrase; I AM FUCKING LEGEND! However due to this daytime screening this is often edited out. You can see the footage on I-Playboy-TV +1 after midnight.
Criticism of the Show and Jeremy Kyle
Critics of the show have claimed that far from helping the SCUM on the show, it is a cheap attempt to humiliate them and appeal to other SCUM in the population. Critics have cited that Jezza has an IQ of 165, whilst the average of his TV audience is 12, his studio audience 10, and his patients 0.003, making them less intelligent than the average sloth (IQ 60). Critics go on to claim that this creates an imbalance that when combined with his controlling and confrontational style lets him manipulate his patients for the benefit of the camera.
Supporters of the show point out that numerous psychology academics and professionals have heralded the show as a landmark in treatment methods.
“ The Jeremy Kyle Show introduced cognitive adaptation methods that were not previously available to us. I have used these methods myself and A-B testing versus more established psychotherapy techniques show a 63% improvement in the remedial success rate with SCUM”
Some have also assumed that, regardless of the merits of the show, Jezza is a money grabbing heartless shyster.
Actually nothing could be further from the truth. St Jezza donates over £20 of his annual £50m income to charities. His primary motivation for performing the show dates back to his childhood, during which at the age of 12 he appeared on the Jerry Springer show with his mother, her three live-in lovers and the ex-lover by whom she spawned Jezza. The young Jezza found this such a theraputic exercise, especially when his father moved back into the family home to join his mother and other lovers, that he vowed that one day he would himself become a therapist just like Jerry Springer.
Headlines of Previous Shows
- Pet dog, Stop Sleeping with my baby or you're out.
- Am I the father of Jeremy Kyle's son - DNA Test Results (no guest special)
- I wish I had slept with Jeremy Kyle! Here's my amazing true life story.
- I tried to kill Jeremy Kyle! Here's my extensive injuries....perhaps methadone will save me.
- Did you sleep with Bruce just so that he could tinker with the results on the lie detector?
- I caught my Husband in bed with a prostitute..... is he cheating on me?
- I slept with my mothers, best friend's grandmother's slave's daughter's mother's pet dog's neighbor's budgie's egg... so technically i did nothing.
- You made three women pregnant on the same day and the same time, but today you confess openly that you are gay.
- I dress up as a clown and rape people.
- My daughter slept with her stepfather and I want to marry him.
- We've only got one complete set of teeth between us, will our marriage last?
- I'm so interbred, my mum and dad are the same person: ME.
- I'm not a student or old person, can i still watch the jeremy kyle show? No, no you cannot.
- Jeremy Kyle shouts at people! SURPRISE!!
- I'm addicted to The Jeremy Kyle Show, methadone?
- I ate too many Twiglets whilst pregnant - DNA test results
- I Can't Wear A Suit Because My Tie Swears At People
- Am I My Mother's Father? - DNA test results
- I Look Like A Trouser - Accept Me Or Get Out
- My Fiance Sold His Engagement Ring For Eternal Life
- I came home to find my wife dressed as a woman!
- I can't stop ending sentences with the word 'innit'
- Give me your phone or I'll kick your face off
- I'm going to be honest; I don't care if she's cheating, I'm just here for the cash incentive
- Did my wife cheat on me with my husband whilst I was out beating up pensioners?
- Isn't my shell-suit f*****g dappa?
- People keep mistaking my head for an eclipse - DNA results!
- Here mate, sorry to bother ya but can I lend 20p for me bus home?
- I look a complete twat, but all my friends dress like this so at least I fit in
- Can we make this quick because I have to sign on
- At The End of the Day - Lie Detector Results
- My Local ASDA's turned to a Waitrose, so I killed my wife in disgust
- My face looks like a crushed muffin - DNA results!
- My hat tried mating with my head – Lie Detector Results!
- I can't stop saying at the end of the day, at the end of the day
- My mum says a tom cat is my biological father - DNA results!
Jeremy Kyle the Movie
In late 2010 Dreamworks studios is association with Touchstone pictures announced a big budget remake of the popular ITV2 made for TV movie "Jeremy Kyle: Scum", with Bradley Cooper set to star in the title role. Vin diesel is also signed on to the project playing Jeremy Kyle's steroid addicted father. The film is scheduled for release in 2011 the same day as the last Harry Potter film.