HowTo:Understand a Lady Gaga Music Video

Too much exposure to this picture may cause you to contract visual food poisoning, as was the case the day after the 2010 VMAs.

Yes, yes. She is the craze of the media. Her music is infectious. It urges other people to to dress up like her (to no avail, and usually an arrest). And it makes small childeren spontaneously combust. Yes, Lady Gaga is truly a pop culture icon. But, there is one lingering problem. Despite running an effectively successful musical monopoly of akwardly inserted French lyrics and well-publicized public appearances, Gaga seems to have an obsession, or possibly a sexual fetish, for bizzare videos that accompany her music. Shot on medium-sized budgets, distributed on the video sharing site YouTube and gennerally written off as "artsy fartsy", these videos strike the average viewer as actually rather insane. "My god!" he or she, usually he thinks. "What the hell is she doing with that blowtorch?" Such questions are plentiful, but can be answered. Doctors normally prescribe copious amounts of Valium, Xanax, LSD or hard liquor, and find that this cures many people of ever even watching the abomination. But you, like many other conscious Kyrgyzstanians, want to keep your frontal lobe/liver intact, and wish to go beyond the final frontier, getting to the point where you understand these videos. But you still find yourself traumatized at the mere mention of a Lady Gaga music video, do you? Don't fret! Although the following proceedure includes countless rewatcing of these five minute snuff films and lots of mutilation, the end result is productive and positive, and totally worth it: you will be able to understand Lady Gaga's music videos! We’ll use Bad Romance as an example.

First, get over the fact that what you just witnessed probably wasn't legal to film in the first place

As we all know, seeing repeated images of scantily clad women is a good thing. However, there is just something about a scantily clad woman dancing and clapping simoultaneously, lighting beds on fire and killing (mildly) innocent men in cold blood that causes ourselves to be overtly disturbed. Although it may be hard at first, repeated exposure to these images is extremely necessary in order to get over even the initial shock of the fact that you are watching this filth, which is probably why 302,302,869 people have already watched the music video to Bad Romance alone. Repeated watchings dulls you to the extremely blaspheming nature of a Lady Gaga music video.

Although it takes coaxing to press the “Play Again” button on Youtube, you will find that friends and/or Jack Daniels lessens the effects. If it just becomes too much for you, watch a therapeutic Katy Perry or Kesha music video, as the bland pop garbage and cleavage present here will also soothe Gaga's grip over you. Another popular method, which is also quite simple, is to remind yourself that Madonna still does it, even though she is living proof that dinosaurs once walked the earth. Despite having no effect on those aged under thirty years, this train of thought normally makes you realize that “yes, you can do this; I’ve survived scarier”.

Analyze the video for symbols

Once you have recovered/recuperated from the initial horror of watching a Lady Gaga music video (this was detailed in the previous step, although it is understandable if your eyes have melted), you should prepare for the next part: watch it again, although at this point you need to start to look for patterns and symbols in her videos. This can actually distract you from the main incestful goings-on depicted in the videos, so try and make it a regular habit. Things to look out for include swastikas, text along the lines of "Join the [evil group] before [monster] eats your [precious body part]" being promenantly displayed and, of course, directions to your local Army recruitment center.

Below are a selection of frames from the Bad Romance video. If you want to accomplish your mission, study them until your nipples bleed soup.

As you can see, there is a flaming bed. This is sometimes associated with fire, and maybe light if you're feeling out there.

Lots of shiny, sparkling diamonds, now also in convenient hat form.

Hmm, what's that hand sign she does?

Once you have collected your evidence, move on to the next step.

Make logical conclusions based on the symbols you have found

Feel free to kill yourself, but not yet.

Well done. You have made it through multiple viewings of Gaga's videos without dying or catching cholera, but you're far from understanding these labrinth-like videos. Still, now that you have some symbolic meanings in hands, go and Google some of them. You will probably be given a couple of million hits within 0.15 seconds per search; this is common and expected. The most sensible thing to do would be to carefully check each result and keep going until whole pages of them are pornographic websites or something to that effect. But because you’re probably lazy as hell, you're just going to pick out the first few links that come up and skim through them way too fast. Pretty soon, you find that:

• The fire shows illumination, and illumination rhymes with Illuminati.
• The flaming bed was used to kill Gaga’s lover (or his pet skeleton, I don't really understand it).
• Diamonds, with their refractive properties, are rudimentary prisms.
• Galileo and Newton toyed with prisms, and both were Illuminati.
• That hand sign supposedly covers one of Gaga’s eyes, showing the All-Seeing Eye.
• The All-Seeing Eye is an Illuminati symbol.

Analyze the data and make conclusions

As is mentioned above, there is undeniable evidence that Lady Gaga is in fact, a part of the Illuminati. Furthermore, with her battalions of creepy clown dancers and insane make-up staff, she is planning on killing off all men from the face of the earth via combustible mattresses. As you can see, it is easy to watch and understand a Lady Gaga music video. You can easily apply these rules to any of her music videos, from Telephone to Alejandro to I'm Actually A Palestinian Transvestive (2011). All you need to do is follow these simple steps and

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE DONE IT!

And you've survived, to boot! You can now boast to your friends that you have seen the true meaning in Lady Gaga's music videos, and that all their supposed theories were just petty pale imitations of their shadowy true meaning. Now that you've completed this program, you can happily move on with your life, or enlighten your friends. We recommend you check yourself into a therapy session with a thoroughly trained psychologist, because if you have submitted yourself to that much Lady Gaga music video-ness, then chances are, you've probably completely and utterly lost your mind. But remember: this program was completely essential for the eager Gaga video-watcher to understand Lady Gaga's videos, and despite the heavy amounts of mutilation involved in the process, there was no other way whatsoever.

See Also

• Lady Gaga
• Illuminati
• Nelson Mandela's Bathroom