HowTo:Save the world
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“They Suck”
“Not that anyone would actually wanna be one, fehh losers...”
“Everyone wants to copy off me, damn them!!”
“Seriously, why is everybody making up quotes for me?”
“I'm not fuckhead, SHUTUP”
“bitch”
So, you want to become a super amazing, crime fighting, cape wearing loser hero. However, it is not just all the cape and boots that make a hero "tick" per say. Several things must be accomplished in order to call your pitiful self a superhero.
It may not be apparent to most regular folks, but being a superhero is a serious business, not just because of the damages they can cause, the buildings they destroy, or the people they kill, but because being a standard "hero" is not tax deductible. So therefore, you must show your self to the government that you are not going to randomly kill people or destroy things. But, that you will do those because you are chasing after or trying to find a suitable villain. Being a superhero, counts in the government as doing community service and charity.
However, after saying that, I must confirm whether or not you are a true superhero or a super-wannabes Noob. If you are a true superhero such as Batman or Jesus completely skip this article, as this article is intended for super-wannabes, errmm I mean noobs. If you are a beginner, then please move on to the following section.
Super Needs[edit | edit source]
As I mentioned earlier, a true super hero needs certain things. Wait...what? I didn't mention that? Ah, well. Anyway, a good superhero always, always, and I can't stress this enough, always needs a cliche` city in order to protect. They also need something to fight, after all, a superhero is just super, if he/she has nothing to kill. And, that villain must have a name that contrasts you and your super abilities.
Another thing a hero needs, is a billion crappy one-liners or catch-phrases such as "Ur about to get pwnd" or "I'll be back". The final largest thing a good hero needs, is some super-power, like shape-shifting or super-speed. Once you have assembled all things necessaries, you have yourself a decent crime-fighting syndicate that will be on ABC Family as a B/C rated show that will last for about a week. Plus, you get tax-breaks!!! YAY!!!!
Superfails[edit | edit source]
Throughout all of history, people have had such incidents where they completely screw up. Also known as "failures", or "fail". You would usually associate "fails" with normal, everyday people. However, this information is retarded. Because heroes, whether super or not, are MOSTLY, still human and fuck up. Many of these "fails" have been recorded over time and will be passed on.
The biggest size fail of all time was a Presidential Size-fail: President Bush that simple. Fails involving super heroes are not always just action fails but they could be clothing fail or a conversation fail. Fail could also include; running into buildings while flying, blowing up a home instead of an evil-lair, or killing civvies instead of the bad-guy. EPIC FAIL!
Saving the World, Advanced[edit | edit source]
Ok, by starting reading this article, it means that you are a more true "hero" who has saved the world 2-3 times. It also means that you have a sexy-ass uniform. It also means that you have successfully found an enemy who is willing to fight you under the Superhero Relations Act (See Next Section) under section 14, article 6, paragraph 3 that says "All superheroes must be able to present a willing arch-enemy. From-The Guild of Calamitous Intent. WHAT? You don't have ANY of these. Well, that means we have 2 choices;
- We kill you (Don't worry, I won't)
- You read this section (I strongly suggest that you pick this damn section.)
Ok, so you picked number 1, errrr, I mean number 2. Well, actually, by even reading the first section, you have all the knowledge of things you'll need to be a successful hero or villain.
 This article is quite random. You might want to edit it so that it's actually about something! |
Superhero Relations Act, aka, really gay law[edit | edit source]
The Superhero Relations Act, as mentioned in the last section, governs superheros when it comes to lawsuits. But, as I type this, a crazed lawyer points a gun at my head forcing me to type this sentence to his liking. So, it started when the Superhero known as Mr. T destroyed the entire city of Boise, but then again, no one cares about Idaho because all they have is potatoes. But, i digress, upon destroying the city, he proceeded to blame everyone for being a fool and then ran off. This then started global wide panic (especially in Mcdonalds) because of the lack of potatoes for French fires. This then caused all of the obese people of the U.S. to for no reason attack the city of Tokyo, which caused the death of millions of fat people from Godzilla who was attacking Tokyo, again for the millionth time. Which caused the U.N. to intervene and capture Mr. T which also resulted in 259951 U.S. Marines to die by Mr. T, who was eventually captured. He was tried, sentenced to Life in prison without parole, but then he escaped killed 467 people on his way. Thus creating this Act to limit the diplomatic abilities of Superheroes, in other words, its a really gay law. * Gunshot in background *
Super-Zeros[edit | edit source]
Somehow, I survived that, but if you are still in school (I.e. High school or Middle School) you'll get a kick outta this. Ever had those people who are just jealous of you and your awesome achievements. not counting on all the achievements you've had outside public life. Such as beat up the bully and get the girl. Well, even superheros have those too. Basic copycats who want to get in on your famous-ness. Mostly, these copycats can turn into great super-villians, or they can sometimes just be basic annoyances. some of these copycats include;
- Wallgreen's (copycat of CVS)[1]
- Reverse Flash (Arch-Enemy of Flash): Looks exactly like Flash but with opposite color schemes.
- Frosted Flakes (The Generic Brand of Frosted Flakes): With no difference from the GOOD Frosted Flakes, except for everything.
- BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES, stupid pickles, they are the ones that don't do anything but mooch off their friends and watch TV all day, douchebags, I hate them
Super Powers[edit | edit source]
Now that you have gotten the basics down, its time to pick more advanced stuff, like you super powers, please note that the more people you save and more super villains you defeat with less super powers, makes for a better movie, so try to pick only a few
- Flying; the most basic and generic super power, pretty straight forward, just be able to fly REALLY FUCKING FAR
- Shape-shifting; My personal favorite, be able to transform into anything with any power, kinda cheating.[2]
- Jesus; Need i give anymore info, you can do literally everything, and anything, available only to the one true son of God
- Super Strength; Be able to finally open that jar of pickles or open a can of beans with NO can opener! Or be able to rip your shirt off dramatically in the beginning a fight (On a side note, that jar of pickles better not be bread and butter)
- X Ray Vision; More commonly known as the pervert's dream, be able to peep in the ladies locker room or to see peoples organs and shit, fun to play with
- Teleportation; Be like that blue dude on the second X-Men who says Bible quotes before teleporting, useful to get out of sticky situations
- Nuclear Anomaly; Totally NOT stolen from Fallout 3, you totally DON'T have the ability to explode like a nuke when you want
- Generously Sized genitals, because wearing tights all day, people will eventually look at places other than your face. Women Super villains don't stand a chance.
Notes[edit | edit source]
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