HowTo:Lower Your IQ

What is an IQ, and why would I want to lower it?

An IQ, or Idiocy Quotient, is an arbitrary number by which the government attempts to discern how stupid everyone else is. The higher the number, the more they will try to kill you. Therefore, you should attempt to lower it as much as humanely possible.

On a completely related tangent, lowering your IQ makes you more irresistible to the opposite sex.

Now that I have been completely informed, how do I lower that pesky IQ?

I am glad you asked, my gullible best friend! Fortunately for you and your friend(s), I have taken the liberty of compiling a course specially designed to send you to the bottom of the sex kill list and to the top of the kill sex list!

Before You Begin

Please remember to follow all of the following instructions to the letter, number, or otherwise appropriate symbol of your choosing. Deviating from these professionally-written instructions will result in death.

OK, Let’s get started, shall we?

Please scroll down to the course of your choosing corresponding to the approximate amount of IQ you wish to lose.

1 to 5 Points

For this course you shall need:

• A cutting implement (preferably a butter knife).
• A limb; that is, an arm or leg. If you don’t know what one is, or are not sure if you have one, congratulations! My work here is done!

Directions:

1. Take cutting implement in hand, blade facing you.
2. Place implement on a limb.
3. Use cutting implement to sever limb.

Possible side effects:

• Loss of a limb
• Bleeding
• Broken implement
• Death

Wow, death is a side effect? you must be thinking. Fear not, as our studies show that only 45% of the time is death fatal. The other 55% of the time, death results in narcolepsy, stoppage of the heart, lungs, and brain, and usually slow decay. And, only 75% of the time is it irreversible. For more information see HowTo:Revive the Dead, zombies, and Elvis.

Furthermore, believe it or not, death gets rid of your IQ completely and you will spend eternity banging angels and/or demons, depending on how you’ve lived your life. But since death is only reversible 25% of the time, it would be much better to get laid here and then spend eternity banging angels and/or demons, depending on how you’ve lived your life, to maximize your fun-time.

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6 to 10 Points

For this course you shall need:

• A toothbrush (preferably a battery-powered one)
• A nose

Directions:

1. Take toothbrush in hand, head facing you.
2. Insert up nose as far as you can reach.
3. If your toothbrush is battery-operated, turn it on. If not, brush the inside surface of your skull.

Possible side effects:

• Loss of nose
• Broken toothbrush
• Death

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11 to 25 Points

For this course you shall need:

• Money
• Any mode of transportation

Directions:

1. Buy a ticket for a concert by any of the following: Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, N*SYNC, Hanson, K-Fed, Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, or anyone who’s appeared on American Idol.
2. Attend said concert.

Possible side effects:

• Insanity
• Loss of lunch
• A case of fanboy/girl-itis
• Death

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26 to 50 Points

For this course you shall need:

• A cutting implement (preferably a buzz saw)
• Reproductive Organs pertaining to your species

Directions:

1. Take said organs into hand. Take said cutting implement into other hand.
2. Make several small cuts into said organs. For females (or lesser-gifted males), anywhere in the area will suffice.

Possible side effects:

• Castration (males only, hopefully)
• Pregnancy (females only, hopefully)
• Bleeding or Pain
• Death

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50+ Points

Warning! The following course is extremely dangerous and, unlike the above, completely irreversible! Only 3 out of 10 people who attempt this course survive, and only one has survived taking it twice! He now suffers from extreme pedophilia as a result!

Possible side effects:

• A developed fetish toward any of the following: prepubescent boys, squirrels, and/or grues
• Extreme paling of the skin
• Sex change without surgery
• Extreme insanity
• Death
  

Note: While death in most instances is the added bonus, death from this method results in an eternity in which you are subject to 24/7 Michael Bolton music. Most unfortunate.

In order to determine if you stand a chance of surviving this course, you must be satisfied with the prospect of a negative IQ. If you prefer to think positively, then you won’t stand a chance.

To determine whether or not you think positively, take one cup and fill it halfway with a liquid (preferably milk). Tie cup to a compass (preferably the kind with a needle). Climb to the top of a tall building or tree (at least 7 ft tall) and jump with the cup and compass. If you survive and the cup you chose was made of glass, congratulations! You might be able to survive this course. If you survive and the cup you chose was made of some other material, you will never survive this course. If you don’t survive, congratulations! You have achieved death, through which you can finally be happy.

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For this course you shall need:

• Barbed wire
• A television set

Directions:

1. Take barbed wire and wrap around any body part. This is EXTREMELY important as it shall numb the pain from the following steps.
2. Tune television to either preschooler’s programming or the Disney Channel.
3. DO NOT WATCH MORE THAN ONE (1) CONSECUTIVE HOUR OF TELETUBBIES OR THE WIGGLES. DO NOT WATCH MORE THAN FIVE (5) CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF ANY OTHER PRESCHOOLER’S/DISNEY PROGRAMMING OR ELSE YOU SHALL DIE!!!
4. If you start having strange urges (i.e. slamming yourself in the face with a fish), IMMEDIATELY change the channel and turn off the television.

If you follow these instructions exactly as I have written them, you MAY survive. Maybe. The odds are stacked against it. As a healthier alternative, I highly recommend you repeat any of the other courses until you lower your IQ to the desired level. There are better ways to die (see How To Die).

Troubleshooting

1. I have completed every course and I still can’t get any! What should I do?
   • See the article How To Get Laid for more help.
2. I have followed every course and my IQ hasn’t changed! What should I do?
   • In such rare cases, there is nothing that can help you. Fear not, for it will not take long for the government to find and kill you.
3. I have followed every course and the government still wants to kill me! What should I do?
   • If the government already has you in their sights, there is nothing you can do to resist. Kill yourself and don’t give them the pleasure of doing you in. See How To Kill Yourself for ideas.