HowTo:Revive the Dead

Did your wealthy Uncle Hiram bite it before you could dupe him into leaving you everything? Would you like to deprive your annoying born-again neighbour of heavenly bliss? Do you miss nagging and verbally emasculating your husband? Don't despair! Contrary to the prejudices of the so-called scientific community, death is curable. You don't have to be Jesus, or a witch; just follow these instructions and you too can beat the Reaper. (Warning: Do not attempt literally to beat the Reaper; he can kick your arse six ways from Sunday.)

Confirming The Dead

According to the book Revive The Dead For Dummies, the first thing to be a successful dead reviver is ensuring that your subject is really dead, not sleeping or overdose. There are several ways to accomplish this tasks. Okay; let's start with the easy ones.

1. Check the heartbeat - Place your index and middle finger on your subject's armpit and ask your subject to breathe. If your subject is not doing what you've said, you can continue.
2. Show some explicit images - First, check your subject's status (straight, gay, semigay, etc). After showing them, check if there are any changes to your subject's reproductive organs. Only works if those parts are still attached, and the subject is in one piece. Note: This method is effective on virgin subjects.
3. Cultural shock - Ask some black metal dude out on the street to perform a death ritual. He will know what to do. If your subject wakes up and says "Hey, your makeup sucks!", do not proceed. If there is no response, or he/she gives other comments, consider your subject dead.
4. Money trick - Drop a large-denomination banknote to the floor and wait for your subject to claim it in 10 milliseconds. However, this only works for certain people; even this may revive them.

What You'll Need

• Shovel, sack and alibi (if burial has taken place)
• Bathtub
• 3 pots fresh-brewed Columbian coffee
• 3 cases Red Bull
• 5 kilos melted 100% dark Belgian chocolate
• Bagpipes (don't worry if you can't play; that's actually more effective)
• Cross and holy water (just in case)

What You Do

If the revived looks like this, kill it immediately.

1. Combine coffee, Red Bull and chocolate in bathtub.
2. Undress body (no funny stuff now) and place on back in tub, making sure entire body including head is covered.
3. Play bagpipes as loud as you can, watching for signs of movement from body.
4. Within 30 seconds, there should be a pulse. Within 1 minute, the fingers, toes or both should begin twitching. Within 2 minutes, the eyes should blink and then open. Within 5 to 7 minutes, the person should shoot up out of the tub yelling, "Oi! Quit making that bloody racket!" Do your best not to scream or pass out.
5. If 10 minutes have passed and there are no signs of life, you'll have little choice but to play Murray Head's "One Night in Bangkok" on a loop at full volume, preferably through headphones resting securely on the body's ears. This is highly dangerous and should only be undertaken as a last resort. If no headphones are available, you must wear ear protection or you may become permanently insane.
6. If the person revives as a zombie (look for pale, rotting skin and repeated requests to munch on your cerebral tissue), use the cross and holy water to disintegrate. Do not make further attempts at resurrection.

After Revival

The revived person may initially appear confused, disoriented and frightened. It is important to provide compassionate reassurance. Offer the person a towel and bathrobe and speak in gentle, soothing tones. Stay with the individual and wait until he or she has reoriented and calmed down. Once this has occurred, you're free to shove a will and pen in your uncle's face, taunt the Bible-thumper with "Nyah nyah Jesus kicked you out of heaven," or tell your husband you've married his best friend who can at least get it up.