HowTo:Have fun without alcohol

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The source of all joy, pain, and irreversible fuckups you will regret forever.

Got a hangover? Have a vague memory of sex with an inanimate object last night? At this very moment are you struggling to read these blurry, swirling words in that endlessly spinning room of yours? Take a big swig of water, buddy; it sounds like you need to learn how to have fun without alcohol!

Preface[edit | edit source]

Everyone knows that alcohol is bad for you, causes you to make a total ass of yourself, can lead to tragic accidents, and even ruin entire lives. The list goes on. But dagnabbit, that’s what makes it so nagdabbin' fun!

However, is it absolutely necessary for having fun? Absolutely not! …Probably not. I think. Okay, maybe it is. ..No, wait; it isn’t, it isn’t, it isn’t! And we’re gonna prove it right now! Yes, you and me! We’re gonna prove it to the world that you can in fact have fun without alcohol.

…and no, we’re not going to have sex. That's for next time

For starters, how about a brisk hike in the woods?[edit | edit source]

Ahh... Woods.

Ahh… How about these woods! Have you ever seen so much… wood?

Huff… Huff…

Yes, nature. Nature is just so… natural, you know? Hey, did you pack some Cheetos or something? No? Oh. You know what tastes good with Cheetos? A nice, tall, cold …oh, sorry! My mind just drifted a bit there…

Uh oh, is that a rain cloud I see? No? Are you sure? I tell you what, I saw a movie about the Boy Scouts once and when I see a rain cloud there’s no mistaking it. Let’s get the hell out of here before we get drenched.

Alright! Now we’re home. How about some HALO?[edit | edit source]

Yeah! Yeah! Ah! Oh fuck! No! No, no, no!


Fuck, you got me; I’m pwned.

Phew, that was great… HALO is one fucking game, I tell ya.

What time is it now? 8:30 PM? Well, heh, I guess we still have some time on our hands now, don’t we… The night is young!

So… are any chicks coming over?[edit | edit source]

No? Oh. Are you a chick? If not, could you try to be?

I’m not your type? You think we should just be good friends?

Okay, on to plan B.

Boring… boring… lame… gay…

What's on TV?[edit | edit source]

Let’s see… a Judge Judy marathon… Some old bag cooking pasta and spinach soufflé… Jerry Springer has born again christian transvestites with pet dogs that can shit on command…

Hey! They’re showing the Drunk Olympics on ESPN 3!

Nah… Better not. That’d remind me too much of good times…

Oh, oh, oh! But not that I’m saying we’re not having a good time now! We are, right? Right?!!

I’ve got it! Tequila shots![edit | edit source]

You got some salt?!!

…Huh? Oh. Oh, yeah.

Little bitch!

Hey, I think I see a chipmunk outside![edit | edit source]

Got a fucking GUN?!?!?

Ha, ha. Just kidding. Let’s just calm down now.

I saw the funniest thing on TV last night![edit | edit source]

No, wait, was it on YouTube? No, I think it was Fox News. Oh, no, no wait, it was YouTube! It was like, this guy was talking about Britney Spears or something, and he’s like...

Hm. Thinking back on it, it really wasn’t that funny after all…

Did you see Uncyclopedia’s feature yesterday?[edit | edit source]

…Yeah, wasn’t too great. Must’ve been mega-whored

Hey, I just thought of something![edit | edit source]

…Nah, forget it. Where would we come up with sixteen albino spider monkeys and a medieval siege catapult anyway…

. . . . .[edit | edit source]

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That’s it, we’re shooting up baby!![edit | edit source]

Hardcore narcotics aren’t alcohol, right? Right? This is TOTALLY not against the rules!



Yeah…. Not drinking alcohol is the best….. It’s the best shit….

Congratulations… We made it. We made it, man…