HowTo:Avoid catching West Nile Virus

The dreaded spreader of West Nile Virus.

We've all been annoyed by mosquitoes at one point or another. They buzz in our ears, suck out our blood, and take all the fun out of having sex outside. But now, more than ever, it has become crucial that people know how to avoid getting bitten by these little bastards. Why? The answer is as simple as three words: West Nile Virus.

History of West Nile virus

West Nile Virus, nicknamed "Diet Malaria", is a disease that is transmitted sexually between mosquitos, and since mosquitoes have immense difficulty finding condoms that fit them, it has run rampant throughout the mosquito population. The disease was first found in african gerbils, though it only manifested itself in gerbils as a slight ear infection. Apparently, at some point in history, a mosquito and a gerbil mated, and the disease was transferred between the two species to mosquitoes. Today it can be found on any continent, including antarctica (where the seven-foot high "Wooly Mosquitoes of the South" are known to terrorize indigenous penguins).

Why West Nile Virus is dangerous

The first sure-fire sign that a mosquito is infected with this dreaded disease is that it starts foaming at the mouth and making odd chirping sounds. An infected mosquito experiences an abnormal increase in sex drive, and will attempt to have intercourse with almost anything it sees. This increase in sex drive can be fatal. Some mosquitoes have been known to attempt to have sex with animals of other species, from other insects to human beings. Judy Milius, a 90 year old woman from Alaska was gang raped by a group of over a hundred infected mosquitoes last July. There are many other similar cases of people being ruthlessly sexually harassed by sex-starved mosquitoes. After several more weeks of being infected, the mosquitoes are usually infected by a deranged madness, and usually end up flying into people's eyes with small explosives strapped to themselves as a means of "fighting the power," or sucking blood until they explode. The disease can easily be transmitted to human beings. Once a human being has been infected, they usually die within several seconds.

So, how do I avoid getting bitten by mosquitoes?

Terrified of getting infected by the virus now that you know the horrors it can cause? There are many very simple procedures one can follow as a means of avoiding at all costs the dreaded virus. They are outlined in detail below.

Option #1: A natural herbal remedy

All that is required for this procedure is a knowledge of plant life. You see, mosquitoes are naturally revolted by the chemicals inside poison ivy. By following this simple procedure, you can use this to your advantage. The first step is to find some poison ivy. For those of you who have a knowledge of plant life, you will know that poison ivy can be identified by the subtly ridged leaves, the light pink stem, and the large, red formation on the leaves that resembles the phrase I AM POISON IVY!!!!!!!!. However, if you are incapable of recognizing poison ivy based on its appearence, a test may be necessary. Wiping your anus with it should do the trick. Once you know you know you have found poison ivy, gather as much of it as possible and smear it all over your body. The ideal option, of course, would be to make a garment out of poison ivy that you can wear everywhere, but not all people have access to sufficient amounts of the plant to make a fully-fledged item of clothing. Rubbing poison ivy all over you will leave an oily resedue that naturally repels mosquitoes. What's more, it has a pleasing scent that's sure to charm the ladies! Howvever, if you are incapable of finding poison ivy, no need to fear. There are many other options that are open to you that are just as effective at fighting mosquitoes.

Option #2: Quarantining your neighborhood mosquitoes

This solution has been employed successfully in various parts of Canada and Switzerland, though it can at times be difficult to pull off succesfully. This process involves the quarantining of mosquitoes to avoid the spread of the disease. In order to do this, one must first catch mosquitoes, a process that can be long and frustrating. One way is to lure mosquitoes towards you standing naked in the middle of a wet area (preferably a swamp). Cutting some part of your body so as to attract them is preferred, but not absolutely necessary. Whenever a mosquito approaches you, shoot it with a tranquilizer or lasso it. Laws regarding treatment of detainined mosquitoes are very strict, so it may be necessary to bring your captured mosquitoes to a professional veterinarian and spend several thousand dollars so you can be absolutely positive that the mosquitoes in question are infected. If they are, you may then quarantine them, following the guidelines laid out by the Center for the Humane Containment of Debilitated Insects or Crustaceans (guidelines including, but not limited to: making sure every single mosquito has its own room that is at least 18 square feet in size, ensuring that each mosquito has a flush toilet, a toothbrush, and a television, and regularly talking to the mosquitoes so they don't get lonely).

Option #3: The Illegal Option

This is an extreme option, and can be very dangerous because most countries have very strict laws about killing mosquitoes. If, however, you are willing to undertake this method, then go ahead and read on. Mosquitoes can be killed by a variety of methods. It is widely agreed, however, that the most effective way of killing a mosquito is by poisoning it. Getting a mosquito to ingest poison is NOT an easy task. The simplest way to do it is to buy several pounds of insecticide, preferably the deadliest, most acidic form of pesticide you can find, and inject it into your bloodstream. Then, a mosquito will die the instant it tries to suck your blood..

Option #4: Self-Modification to confuse mosquitoes

Mosquitoes are naturally attracted to certain aspects of human beings; evolution has taught them that if they fly towards things that they recognize acting in a certain way, then they will get food. If you have any desire to avoid being bitten by an infected mosquito, you will have to somehow bypass their natural mechanisms for finding food sources. Mosquitos are attracted to breathing, particularly the carbon dioxide we exhale. Therefore, if you stop breathing, mosquitoes won't recognize you as potential prey, and therefore the risk of being infected with the disease will be brought to an absolute zero. Of course, it takes a substantial amount of effort and commitment to stop breathing altogether. A good strategy is to hold your breath for as long as possible, and every time you give in and take a breath, punish yourself by running into a nearby wall or tree. Eventually, you will have mastered this skill enough to be able to stop your breathing for any period between 5 minutes and the rest of eternity. If you lack the tremendous willpower to be able to master your most instinctive behavior, there is a much simpler alternative, and that is to swallow any object roughly the size of a bottlecap or a cork. This should be able to block your windpipe, preventing you from breathing. That'll get those pesky mosquitoes off your back!

Option #5: Be a reformer!

In today's remarkable world of medical advances, doctors have found new ways for mosquitoes, ticks, ants, and cockroaches to practice birth control. However, these methods are widely misunderstood among mosquitoes, who generally think of birth control as something that only the planet's sluttier insects, like ladybugs and wasps, use. Be an educator! YOU can prevent the spread of this disease amongst mosquitoes by becoming an advocate for mosquito birth control! In Montgomery, Ohio, a woman was absolutely terrified about West Nile Virus. Then, one day, she started educating her neighborhood mosquitoes about birth control, handing out leaflets encouraging abstinence, and the use of mosquito condoms and other innovative forms of birth control. After about eight years of spending twenty-three hours a day talking to the mosquitoes in her backyard, birth rates among the mosquitoes had dropped by an astonishing 0.001%!! You can make this sort of impact in your own community! Get out there and start talking to those mosquitoes!

Option #6: The One and Only sure-fire option

Have you tried all the other options, and had none of them work? Or are you just too damn lazy to go through all the trouble of following those procedures? Looking for a quick, easy, and totally effective means of avoiding getting bitten by those damn mosquitoes? Well, follow this simple procedure, and all your problems will be solved. All you have to do is get a bathtub, fill it to the top with liquid cement, lie down inside, and wait for the cement to harden. You will never be bitten by mosquitoes again, because there's no way a mosquito can get to you if you're encased within solid cement!

What About Domesticated Mosquitoes?

In recent years, mosquitoes have become popular pets. They are sold in pet stores by the hundreds. Now, if your little son or daughter has a pet mosquito that they are fond of, it may be very traumatic for the family if the pet mosquito has become infected with West Nile Virus. However, if your pet mosquito is indeed infected, you have no choice. You must put the animal to sleep. To minimize the trauma for your little tykes, you might want to take the mosquito to a veterinarian, where you can pay $5,000 dollars to have it injected with a syrum that will kill it quickly and painlessly. You can then bury it in your backyard and make a little grave so your kids can mourn the mosquito's passing. It might help the kids if you buy them a cockroach or a flea as a replacement. Another option, if you don't want to take the mosquito to a vet, would be to take it out behind your house when the kiddies aren't around and shoot it. But be warned: it is not a pleasant experience. Many people have experienced emotional distress and extreme guilt after shooting their loyal and trusting mosquitoes. If you don't think you're strong enough, you might want to play it safe and have the little thing put to sleep.

See also

• Mosquito
• Medical technologist

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