Hero Wars

“He just can't do math right!”

~ Captain Obvious on This game's Main Character

“I'd rather count how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, and then shove the stick up my asshole, than play this shitload of fuck!”

~ The Angry Video Game Nerd on Hero Wars

Hero Wars is a puzzle game with a story that takes place in a fantasy world were no one can do Math properly. It follows Jin Kazama as he attempts to save many girls of his harem from monsters such as Your mom, Your Dad, Skeletons, Demons, Tentacle Monsters, Vampires, Ghouls, Zombies, and God (Who would rather want you to stop playing this game!). Unfortunately, because he can't understand how 420 is a greater number than 69, he always gets his shit rocked no matter what he does.

Story

Jin meets up with his harem, only for them to be captured by a tentacle monster and taken away from him. Armed with only a sword, Jin then battles this monster in an attempt to rescue his harem. The monster's number however, is 69,696,969,696,969, a number far beyond Jin's number (which is just 21). He is then thrown into the abyss and has to fight his way up until he can face the Tentacle monster and kill it. while there he has to solve math problems to finally kill the monster.

This fails however, as Jin is then kicked in the balls by a skeleton (whose number was over 9000 while his was 420), which then kills him. The tentacle monster then rapes Jin's whole harem, while also taking their virginity (which was 7885) in a hentai-esc Tentacle sex session as a celebration for victory against Jin Kazama. The harem would be defenseless as they are all then impregnated by the tentacle monster in the vagina and uterus. They are then pushed down a hole, while the tentacle monster still continues cumming inside them for all of time.

True Ending

Assuming if the Skeleton that kicks Jin in the balls doesn't kill him, Jin will destroy the skeleton with a sword and the skeleton will die. In the final battle between Jin and the Tentacle Monster, the Tentacle Monster dies and Jin happily marries all of the women of his harem and has a total of 69,420 kids. But after that, he faces god, who kills him regardless of the number that Jin has.

Happy Ending

Just kidding, this doesn't exist.

Gameplay

Just don't suck at math, unlike Jin Kazama, who apparently sucks at math. Anyways, the gameplay involves figuring out what the greater number is between the lesser and greater numbers, if Jin has the greater number, then he wins a fight. If he doesn't, then he dies, thus redoing the puzzle. The puzzles are apparently hard, because the ads for this game said so obviously. Anyways if you're good at math, you'll be able to beat this game relatively quickly, but if you aren't like Jin Kazama is, you'll have to try multiple times.

Things to look out for

• Every time the numbers "456" and "450" are used, the tentacle monster has it's balls busted.
• The Pyramid of Doom is broken in half, by the Tentacle Monster. The top half points to the North Star, so it represents where it's been, which is represented by the North Star. The other half points to the constellation Orion, which represents where it will go, which represents where it will be.
• This game is going to be a waste of your time (If you think otherwise, then fuck you). That is, unless you are into math. In that case, then you will probably like this game.

Reception

This game was very poorly received due to everyone thinking that it was an RPG Game on its cover, when it was a puzzle game. The game also sold about -10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 copies, due to all copies being recalled due to the game receiving a poor review on RPGFan, and due to GameSpot calling it the worst game of all time. ITSLYM frontman and former US president George W. Bush has claimed to have liked the game, but this is unconfirmed.

This game is a massive waste of time, so stop playing it.