Happy Thoughts
“A happy thought gave me the will to charge the Forbidden City and kill everyone in sight.”
“In soviet Russia, happy thinks YOU!”
“Thinking happy thoughts makes your brain not think of bad thoughts.”
Contrary to popular belief, happy thoughts aren't always about flowers, cotton candy, or happy little chirping butterflies. A happy thought is entirely subjective. An individual happy thought might not be a happy thought to someone else, and vice versa. A perfect example of a happy thought for one person and not another is that the one person might think about the other as say, being on fire, and that might not be a nice thing for the other one who is thought of as the one being engulfed in flames. The one thinking about setting the other on fire with a flame-thrower or well-placed explosive and short fuse, is a happy thought to that person alone. Whilst the other would think that such a thought was not happy at all, but rather horrible. Those are evil thoughts. Or considered evil thoughts by the person who would be lit up like a torch by the power of your happy thoughts. That is how it generally works. Meanwhile someone could be thinking about happy things that have nothing to do with bad things toward anyone. And those are the happy thoughts of people who have no enemies, no ex-bosses, no ex-lovers, no involvement in criminal cases. But they're usually very limited with how wide of a range happy thoughts lend themselves. It's just no fun to think about flowers and that sort of thing if there isn't any real trauma in your past to make you appreciate the damned flowers.
History[edit | edit source]
Since the beginning of time happy thoughts have been limited to the small number of people living in the Stone Age and not all were evolved enough to understand or thoroughly enjoy the concept of happy thoughts, therefore they were spending their time doing hum-drum stuff like surviving the elements, the dinosaurs and an occasional continental shift or an Ice Age or two.
A well documented happy thought of God involved an Eden Paradise and the two mortals who would run around naked, chop down the trees and eat the food of the gods and eventually wind up as snake bait was a well-thought-out happy thought that worked. Although no other witnesses were there and could say how these events really unfolded, the written documentation is enough to show that God's happy thoughts had trumped the mortal's attempts of thinking evil thoughts. After being thwarted by the snake they had somehow bounced back and produced a race of people that would eventually be the centerpiece of another happy thought; being flooded out and drowned in a massive rain storm that lasted forty days and forty nights. Happy thoughts are powerful when thought up by powerfully happy beings. Especially God who does, in fact, always think these happy thoughts about everybody. It is a well-known theory that God wants us all dead and is, in fact, trying to kill us. But has since lost interest in happy thoughts on the massive scale it would take to actually wipe us all out. At the same time.
In many archives across the world, stored in dank, dark cellars and musty old libraries there are numerous written texts and books that detail the horrifying bloodlust of the gods in general. A lot of that could be attributed to the singular God since it would stand to reason given his usual wrath and judgement upon the sinner but there are equally contrary versions of events involving floods, lighting bolts, pillars of salt, and the typical face-melting trick. In some of these versions of past events it is said that none of these horrific situations were carried out by God, but instead by Lex Luthor. But there are varied witness accounts recorded all throughout history. Unfortunately none of the past witnesses could properly relate what they saw other than in ancient scrolls and texts. Therein lies the dilemma. Unless lazy excavationists want to get off their asses and get serious about digging everyone up and performing a little necromancy.
There is another theory that God can be misunderstood and misinterpreted – we could look at these documents as a kind of Mommie Dearest record of events written by the mortals who grasped the concept of happy thoughts to reflect on future generations. Thusly making God look like Godzilla or a very bad, ill-tempered, all-powerful being who wants to kill us all at any given moment. A moment of inspiration to thwart God and make him have evil thoughts, or become depressed and denounce his own existence, making the mortals look like idiots for thinking such thoughts. Either way, that'll teach 'em!
Happy Thoughts vs Unhappy Thoughts[edit | edit source]
There is a lot of material written about meditation, focus, the power of positive thinking and happy thoughts. These are all designed to counter the evil, dark, gloomy and despairing onslaught of bad, evil, and not good thoughts. Because these are all thought up and not spoken out loud, there is a subtle, silent war going on in everyone's brains to obtain that level of peace and tranquility. That level is maintained by the best thinkers of happy thoughts and they're usually the victors in the plains of awareness and conscience. Whereas the lesser-abled thinkers succumb to all distractions and obstacles thrown at them, as in perhaps, a car or bus trying to run over them because the driver was abducted by aliens and given orders to kill them so they concentrate more on getting out of the way rather than countering that with a happy thought about the vehicle suddenly changing course and steering right into the other guy's car and smashing up his new ride. And soiling his underwear as an afterthought. An after-happy-thought.
It's a constant struggle between the brain powers. One has to be on their toes to keep a positive level of awareness at all times. Using such devices as voodoo dolls shows a lack of thinking and the ability to produce the happiness hormones naturally and is a crutch, as it were, for those too lazy to use the brain power to come up with brilliant happy thoughts. It is important to realize that a happy thought against an unhappy thought is really all about the willingness to tell your brain that eventually real life pins, the size of railroad spikes will come flying out of the sky and pierce the object of your thoughts. Targets are everywhere, but they are hard to hit when you are using primitive means to get a good shot at them.
Basically war is a happy thought shared by lots of people, so don't beat yourself up over nuking some sorry ass bitch out of existence. It's the extreme of happy thoughts that carry the weight of bad decision making. You could be so happy in your thoughts, manifesting them that you, yourself get blown up. This would then cause one to no longer be able to think anything. Happy or otherwise. Then of course, there is the likely possibility that you will encounter God at some point. And here is where you may well find out that due to your extreme thought process, that God may just one-up you and force you to sit in some cloud for eternity and listen to Christian metal.
Examples of Happy Thoughts[edit | edit source]
- When Dracula tries to bite you, you think of him being eaten by a big-ass spider.
- When some big-ass spider tries to eat somebody, you think of someone who would be tasty to the spider.
- When someone is talking much and won't shut up, you think of that person being duct taped to a tree in the Heart of Dixie wearing tights and a ballerina tutu and unable to get down.
- When an arrogant cosmonaut who stole your position on the space shuttle is waving gayly at the crowd as a hero, you think of him being tortured on the surface of the moon by a madman wielding a gun at all the oxygen tanks, driving the cosmonaut insane with fear and begging for his life.
- When some idiot dumbass is acting like a total tweaking-weezer with a big ego and no brains, you think of him as being tied to a live string of Christmas lights, dangling over a swimming pool, screaming his fool head off.
- When some arrogant asshole is cutting you off in traffic, you think of him as being disemboweled by a crazed chainsaw-wielding midget hidden under the seat he never saw coming.
- When an internet moron is trying to make your life miserable, you think of the fuckwit as being not only dead but a fuckwit that had met his/her untimely demise through a string of events, such as; he/she turned on his/her computer one day and it blew the fuck up, totally destroying his/her HD, data of his/her enemy lists, all his/her porn, and glass now embedded into his/her butt-ass ugly face. Because the explosion had disrupted the neighborhood, the police were called and it just so happened that he/she had outstanding warrants and was thrown into jail after receiving a court order for removing his/her butt-ass ugly face. Then as he/she sat there in jail, a big guy named Hal decided he wanted a bite of the pathetic worm sitting there sobbing like a little girl and suddenly bit off his/her dick or hands. While being rushed to the nurse's quarters, a janitor just happened to be cleaning the floors and the fuckwit's wheelchair took a tumble down ten flights of steps. While lying there at the bottom of the steps with lots of bones broken and bleeding to death and the janitor laughing, a pigeon the size of Mothra perched nearby flew out of the building dropping on the fuckwit's face, leaving it drenched in doodoo, and the fuckwit finally died from choking on pigeon shit. Now that's a happy thought!