“They're so... green and voluptuous, they get me so hard.”
Gregor Mendel was an Austrian priest and scientist. He is considered to be the father of modern genetics because he sired most of them. His theory had no evidence when it was created, mostly because Mendel was a crack whore. However, the theory was proven almost a century and a half later to be correct. Scientist still to this day cannot explain how this is possible, except for maybe that sometimes even the most avid crackhead is right.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Mendel was born in 1822 in the Austro-Hungarian Empire. His father, the simple owner of a sandwich shop, went bankrupt in the failing Austrian economy. The Mendel family was forced to relocate to a remote farm in the modern Czech Republic. There, his father developed a fatal attraction to tomatoes, which as we all know are the Devil's bastard potato children. Mendel's father was on a slippery slope, the Austrian government caught him molesting the juicy red temptresses. Because the government was so disgusted by his actions Mendel's father was sentence to death by firing squad, the incident left deep scars within the young Gregor's mind.
Teenage years[edit | edit source]
The death of his father for being a sick fuck haunted Gregor for the rest of his life. As a teenager he was very awkward  and was also very quiet, shy, and unusually smart. He was one of those people who would have "got off" to anime had it existed back then. As he got to that age where the hormones start to flow for young men, he discovered he had a large amount of strange sexual fetishes. His mother called them 'phases', and that all young men had them but in reality they worried her. Listed below are a few of Mendel's choicest fetishes
- For a little while he thought that he was a lesbian stuck in a man's body
- He also had a urine fetish for a little while that was evident when he drank the contents of his family's chamberpot daily
- After he got sick for drinking piss he switched to cannibalistic-dominatrix fetish
- he liked to also watch others have intercourse and beat his meat outside their window, until he got arrested for it of course.
Late adolescence[edit | edit source]
In his late teens Mendel's mother tried to find many vices for her sick perverted son some actually helped his psych (for example bank keeping), but other careers which Gregor was forced to take up caused him to plunge deeper into his perversion (such as gardening and becoming a Catholic priest). Eventually Mendel's widowed mother became weary and gave up trying to find a vice that could contain her son's twisted fantasies.
Scientific career[edit | edit source]
College Professor Days[edit | edit source]
When his mother stopped trying to give him careers Mendel went to college to become a biology professor, he decided that education was the perfect field for a pervert who wanted to get some poontang. Just days after he was hired at an institute in Olomouc, he was fired for sexually assaulting several female and male students as well as the potted plant at his desk. He fled the Olomouc area to join a monastery in Brno.
Off to the Monastery[edit | edit source]
Mendel knew well that Catholic clergymen were traditionally sexual deviants. He protected himself from "unwanted anal penetration" and "the clap" by carrying a vial of Gypsy tears and a Golden Desert Eagle in his sphincter.
He took the duty of head gardener at the monastery cultivating multiple species of plants and testing their sexual limits. His self-proclaimed greatest discovery was that pea plants could be fashioned into the most effective "pleasure devices" of the time. Also he found something out about genes or something.
His Fellow monks were amazed and in awe of Mendel's erotic escapades that he was soon promoted to abbot of the monastery. But Mendel would never stop his hedonistic experiments with vegetables. His genetic research evolved as well, he published some paper or something on pea plant genetics. It is considered a seminal work by modern science.
Excomunication[edit | edit source]
Pope Pius IX discovered Mendel's scientific work and was outraged that an abbot would publish such sacrilege, he immediately traveled to Brno to excommunicate Mendel himself. He found Mendel enjoying a particullarly intense sexual experience with his favorite pea plant Monica, a monk, an alter boy, and a spade. Pius was dumbfounded, Mendel was an even more sick and twisted pervert than the Holy Father himself. Pius was famous in the Vatican for raping women, children, cardinals, and spiders and he was able to see that Mendel was obviously upstaging him.
Were Mendel not a man of science he would have been promoted to Cardinal immediately, and possibly in line to the Pope's successor. However, Pius was outraged by Mendel's blasphemous works and jealous of his extreme perversion. Pius would paint Mendel as a simple man of science and keep the stories of his erotic innovation forever in the shadows.
With nowhere to go Mendel traveled to Vienna. He became somewhat bored with plants and moved on to honeybees. He published some more science shit too.
Late life[edit | edit source]
In his old age Mendel he suffered from erectile dysfunction and was unable to to continue his sexual deviancy unless he used a complex and precise application of Popsicle sticks and rubber bands. He decided to search for other work. While in Vienna he met and befriended Dave Grohl who was touring with his band the Foo Fighters which was in need of a bass player. Mendel knew nothing about music, but Grohl convinced him that playing the bass took no musical experience whatsoever. Mendel joined and would go on to record the bands next album There Is Nothing Left To Lose But Your Virginity.
Death[edit | edit source]
Mendel's body was found molesting his mother's corpse in her grave in 1884. His body was disposed of by being thrown into a lake and forgotten. Still, some deny that Mendel died at this time, eyewitnesses say he was seen courting Ernest Hemingway in Milan in 1917. Hemingway was interviewed in 1925 about his relationship. He had this to say.
It's been so long since I last saw him, and I've had various other partners. Italian whores, English whores, French whores, Austrian whores, American whores, German whores, my wife, who is a whore, F. Scott Fitzgerald, his wife Zelda, who is a bitch, and of course Windemere. Now if you don't mind, I'm off to a speakeasy to get shitfaced and satisfy my lewd urges.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- think Jew fro
- this actually started his interest in biology
- largely believed to be the first emo